gijoe versus cobra and physics


57. At Joe HQ an alarm goes out that a Cobra Night Raven has been spotted over North American airspace! So the Joes go and scramble.......ONE fighter jet. I guess they weren't out of the oil crisis of the 70s yet.

58. Okay, the Night Raven is pretty much a Cobra SR-71 Blackbird (capable of [and probably cruising at if the pilot was smart] Mach 3 flight).... And while under attack by the Joes it launches its mini pod-plane from its back... Is this even theoretically possible? I mean, I know they launched a Space Shuttle off the back of a jumbo jet like this in Superman Returns, but that movie sucked, and that plane wasn't going 3 times the speed of sound...

59. Well, I guess it wasn't going Mach 3, what with that .75 second 180 it just pulled.

60. Really? Did the Night Raven and its pod-plane really just collide in mid air? I didn't just see incredibly shitty piloting like that, did I? And among the wreckage (FLAMING wreckage) is a perfectly spotless, undented, and still blinking Cobra message box. If only Cobra got its engineers who made the message box to make the rest of their weapons and vehicles.

61. Inside the Cobra message box is another matter... A gold bar and an unscrambled, uncoded communication (a piece of parchment) to Zartan. I don't think they thought their cunning plan all the way through.

62. I do like Zartan's Dreadnok recruitment drive: Last man standing is in. Then Monkeywrench BLOWS UP the rest of the competition. That's hardcore.

63. Nevermind.... They have to specifically point out to the little childrens that he only used "stun grenades." Fucking please...

64. And why do ALL the Dreadnoks (old and just recruited) have Australian accents? They're based in the Everglades. And why does Thrasher (who's not even formally inducted into the Dreadnoks, let alone Cobra) already have the Cobra insignia painted on at least four places on his armored car, the Thunder Machine? And he shouts out "Cobraaaaaaaaa!" as his own battle cry too? What?!

65. And then Slaughter and his crew just pop out of the woods and ask Zartan to tell them about their Cobra-financed mission... Umm, why not try sniping the Dreadnoks and taking Zartan and his siblings in for Guantanomo-styled questioning?

66. As Thrasher is chasing down Slaughter, Beach Head, and Low Light in his armored car through the Everglades, the three Joes decide to "make a last stand" in an old abandoned shack instead of simply running into the trees where a giant death machine on wheels can't follow. And just shortly before this Slaughter had made a slur against Zartan's Dreadnoks by questioning if they could read. He who lives in glass houses, Slaughter...

67. The next episode then starts with the three Joes just making it to the front of the shack with the Thunder Machine suddenly braking about 20 yards away, but now (one second later of Joe time) Zartan, his siblings, the rest of the Dreanoks, and at LEAST 16 Cobra Vipers mysteriously appear around the building too, all pointing their guns at the still exposed threesome. Is this the MASS Device in play again?

68. Holy shit.... Did Sgt. Slaughter really just PUNCH a hole in a STONE WALL? Not even a brick wall, a STONE wall. With his fist, and not even his chin. He must have shattered every bone in his hand. He's not just suicidal, he's a total masochist. He probably beats off every night just thinking about all the damage he does to his body every day... Well, he probably beats off with his left hand after this job.

69. Of course, now all the Vipers are gone again.

70. Wow, Mindbender's an absolute moron. In the half-burnt letter that he sent to Zartan and crew (that Slaughter's crew just recovered) he spells out exactly which tombs around the world that Cobra plans to rape for top-shelf leader DNA (not just the ones that the Dreadnoks will be hitting). Apparently everybody at Cobra has short term memory disorder and forgets that Zartan's crew fucks up more missions than Cobra Commander himself, AND that the first message to Zartan was just shot down and possibly recovered by the Joes, meaning that they might go after Zartan to get more info out of him about this big operation! So yeah, give the Dreadnoks a written out, uncoded message about which tombs you're raiding and when. Spectacular.

71. After the Joes learn of the tomb robbing plan they all run out of Joe HQ. To tanks and motorcycles. I realize it's good to be excited about your job, but really, get into a helicopter or a plane or something. You'll get to Siberia, Italy, China, and France a whole lot quicker.

72. Oh my God, that's hilarious! The Joes just roll a huge squadron of tanks into downtown Paris in order to "guard Napoleon's tomb" when they're stopped by the mayor. No, he's not pissed that American war machines are there (without permission) and not French ones, but only that the big tanks might cause damage to "all zee museums" and "art galleries" and "gay sex parlors" in the area. Jesus, no wonder they folded in WWII when Hitler just farted in their direction. "Don't hurt even one cobblestone! If you do... IF you do!.... We will surrender!"

73. ................And General Hawk complies. Wow. He just wussed out in the face of ONE fat, annoying, retarded frog. GI Joe just proved to be wimpier than FRANCE.

74. Well, Dusty's apparently a mongoloid too. He's guarding some Egyptian general's tomb when one lone truck barrels into the Joe's midst, with one woman in it who tells them that Cobra just attacked her village one valley over. Despite the fact that she speaks perfect, unaccented English, and doesn't look Egyptian or African in the least, Dusty takes THE ENTIRE tank squadron in the direction Zarana (oh yeah, of fucking COURSE it's Zarana) pointed, leaving nobody behind to guard the actual destination that they KNOW Cobra's gunning for.

75. When Dusty et. al. take off, but are still only about 50 yards away, Zarana takes off her costume and wig.... Then she mocks them by calling them "sentimental fools." What? I do not think that word means what she thinks it means, though her actions and vocabulary do mean that Dusty isn't the dumbest person in Egypt at the time.

76. When Zarana enters the general's tomb she starts listening to Dr. Mindbender's instructions on a tape recorder. They are VERY detailed, talking about number of paces, where to find doors, hidden traps (like 3,000 year-old, spring-loaded arrows that still work, and spiked stone ceilings that stab and crush grave robbers when they enter the tomb itself)... The only way Mindbender would know all this intricate stuff is if he had actually BEEN there. And if he had, why not collect the DNA himself?

77. Really? Would an Egyptian general get a tomb this HUGE and full of booby traps when most pharaohs wouldn't?

78. This one always bugged me, even as a kid: Would there really be any usable DNA on a corpse that's been left out in the burning desert for 3 millennia? Yeah, mummies are usually well preserved (compared to other ancient corpses) due to lack of humidity, but without proper preservation DNA can only be viable for only a week or so after death (preservation meaning NOT mummification, but something along the lines of dry ice or the belly of a mosquito stored in amber). Mindbender's DNA-raping devices must be time machines as well.

79. Uh oh... Dusty apparently lost about 5 HAVOC tanks and a couple of motorcycles in his quest to the next valley. He left with something like 10 and arrived at the "next valley over" with 5. I hope that comes out of his retard pay.

80. Hmmmm, Mindbender's DNA-raping device not only turns the bodies of its victims to dust when it collects them, but it captures their wrappings and clothes too. Shit, all that fabric and stuff must be a bitch to sort out later.

81. Cool! The Joes have telepathy! Dusty yells "Not so fast, Zarana!" as she leaves the tomb, but when the camera swivels to his oncoming tanks he's about a full mile away. Zarana, being either stupid or a telepath too replies to him. Well, she must be telepathic because her lips don't even move.

82. Damn! Now Dusty's only down to TWO HAVOCs and TWO motorcycles. He's even lost his planes and helicopter. He's going to be scrubbing latrines tonight for sure.

83. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there go Dusty's last 4 vehicles in the flood caused by the collapsing dam. Meh, at least it was a clean sweep.

84. Cobra just piloted a 4-story tall, 200 yard-long super submarine all the way up the Seine into the middle of Paris... And NOBODY saw it coming. No tourists, no lookouts, nobody along the 200 miles of waterways it had to travel to get to yhe City of Lights... Amazing.

85. Aaaaaaaaaaagh! Paris must house giants! A Night Raven just started swooping in and out of the Parisian streets like they were open skies! It just banked in front of a row of houses and it was smaller than the windows!

86. Well, I do have to give zee mayor of Paris some credit; he did just try to snootily pimp slap the Crimson Guard Twins too.

87. Why would Slipstream have thought that Zarana had drowned in the damn collapse? She was in sight of the Joes when the Thunder Machine made it out of the old river valley before the damn collapsed.

88. And what the hell?! General Hawk just flew away on a rocket belt?! Not even a rocket backpack (THAT I could believe), but a rocket belt. And he flew up to an already flying jumbo jet and boarded it. Jets have to fly at a continuous (very fast) speed to stay aloft... But General Hawk matched it, nay, he flew FASTER than the jet in order to catch up to it and BOARD IT. With this kind of rocket belt technology how do they always seem to suck and fuck up everything all the time up until the last 1/5th of all their stories?

89. Wait... So the Crimson Twins got Nap's DNA, and then what? They just drove away in two stolen Joe vehicles... They either abandoned their multi-billion dollar sub in the Seine, or they boarded it again to make their escape. Even if they could have done a 3-point turn to get that baby pointed back to sea, how could they NOT expect to get stopped before making it to open water 200 MILES away?

90. Quite interesting. The Soviets actually want to participate with the Joes in guarding Ivan the Terrible's tomb! They actually open the Iron Curtain to the capitalist American dogs in order to unite and stop Cobra!.... Though they do only send three soldiers and no vehicles (they borrow one Snowcat) to do so, at least it's a start to ending Cold War hostilities.

91. Why did Flint and his three-man team track through 50 miles of deadly rain forest to get to Montezuma's tomb? Why not helicopter in? Why only 4 men? Is Hawk looking to move in on Lady Jaye? "No, Flint, you won't need more than 3 backup men on this... Yeah, Cobra's hit most of the other tombs with enough firepower to level a small city, but you'll be fine. Oh, and no airlifts in or out."

92. Once again, while GI Joe is traveling the globe in trying to stop Cobra from their goals, why the fuck aren't any other nations raising a finger to help? Well, other than the USSR... Who sent in two soldiers and a fat fuck from the Oktober Guard.

93. Okay, so Beach Head and Mainframe make it to Vlad Tepes tomb and they're staking it out... Then they hear ghostly wailing coming from deep down in the place's bowels... It turns out to be the Baroness acting like a ghost.......... The Baroness obviously made it to the tomb before them in order to set up her little one-woman play, but WHY would she then make a lame ruckus in order to get the Joes to actually go in to investigate?

94. Ivan the Terrible's tomb is apparently a mansion in the middle of Siberia made to look like the Saint Basil's Cathedral. Who knew?

95. Iceberg's black, no wait! Iceberg's whiter than an Osmond Christmas Special now! THAT is the power of Communist Russia.

96. So the Baroness' plan was to lead the two Joes into the crypt, and then down the hallway into a torture dungeon (a torture chamber in a tomb) just so that she could kick Beach Head in the gut and then run BACK to Vlad's casket because I guess she forgot to collect the genetic leftovers before. Genius!

97. Sergeant Slaughter's shooting the shit with Hawk over the radio. All of a sudden laser blasts and explosions start erupting from the transmission, and Slaughter yells out, "Take cover! It's Cobra!" *Ka-Boom!* Hawk waits a few seconds then asks, "Sgt. Slaughter, are you under attack?" I think Roadblock's goofy, horror-struck face is due to his commanding officer's idiocy and not his friends peril at Sun Tzu's grave

98. I may be wrong but I'm pretty sure that Alexander the Great was not buried in a fantastic temple constructed about a half-mile below the surface of the Mediterranean Sea. Honestly, how well preserved would a body (and more importantly DNA) be in the water for a month, let alone several thousand years?

99. Shipwreck is plain awesome. After yelling at Leatherneck and Wetsuit for arguing on the job he goes back to scoping out two bikini-clad water skiers a little ways off and thinks nothing of it.

100. Damn! Destro's coldblooded! He just blew up an entire oil tanker in order to divert the Joes from his job. Remembering $5+ gallon gas just a little while ago my heart sank.

101. I love how Destro goes scuba diving in his heavy metal mask. He's like, "Fuck the top-heavy weight! Fuck corrosion! Screw you, rust!"

102. Once again the Joes send in a less-than-ideally armed group into the battle. Just Slaughter and his mini-tank, and two motorcycle/sled vehicles for two nameless Joes to go defend Sun Tzu's final resting place in commie China. The USSR even sent in some people to help defend their national treasure, why couldn't China? Unless they heard "Hory fuck! That Sgt Sraughter coming in to defend tomb. We no need send noone erse. Fuck, me feer sorry fo Cobra."

103. So Sun Tzu's buried in a giant mound of dirt? Okay, I'll buy that (it's the most realistic tomb yet anyway). But to get to his "DNA" (the most overly-used word in this mini series) Mindbender uses an inch-thick drill from the top and the direct center of the mound and just drills, baby, drills! He doesn't even use his patented DNA-raping device to suck all the genetic code from the dead warrior.

104. When Slaughter, now tankless, proves to be too big a threat for two helicopters with lasers and missiles galore, Mindbender calls in more Vipers FROM A GIANT, CIRCLING SNAKE-THEMED AIRPLANE that was apparently constantly above them FILLED WITH TROOPS this whole time. I am just totally confused about Cobra's strategies most of the time. They obviously need to read Sun Tzu's book before trying to rape his DNA.

105. Oh fuck yes! Slaughter just wound up and SLUGGED a parachuting Strato-Viper before he even hit the ground! That was beautiful!

106. Then Slaughter keeps running with FOUR Strato-Vipers holding on to him, as he beats the ever-loving shit out of a fifth (who was so scared that he turned into a regular Viper for 3 frames of animation just before the Slaughter Smack-down).

107. I guess Slaughter's so full of adrenaline and rage due to the fact that the nameless Joes he was fighting with are apparently dead and gone now.

108. .................Okay, the Strato-Vipers are all knocked out (and Mindbender apparently only brought 5 of them as back-up in that giant, circling plane), so he calls in Tomax and Xamot to stop the American Terminator.... So they LAND their helicopters and charge at the human rhino with just their fists, despite the fact that this has been tried several instances before (once with over 100 ROBOTS) and failed every single time. Slaughter then gives one of them a helicopter ride of his own, causing the other to start pirouetting like a Tasmanian Devil all on his own.... (Remember, it's just a kids' show. It's just a kids' show. It's just a kids' show.....)

109. That's cold. Mindbender tossed a bomb into the empty tomb after he was done. Jesus, that's like taking a dump on your neighbor's bed after fucking his wife.

110. Okay, now Hawk's giant American jet is flying over Central China, and still no commie response.

111. Holy shit! Beach Head and Mainframe were stuck in Vlad Tepes coffin together for 18 hours after the castle/tomb crumbled on top of them?! They must be really close now. I'm surprised I didn't hear a *zzzzip!* just before they emerged gasping for breath.

112. Okay, now I'm positive that Mindbender doesn't know what DNA is or does. He claims that after losing Sun Tzu's genetic code to Slaughter they just need to find "another source of DNA endowed with similar qualities...." Qualities like "knowledge learned from a lifetime of war?"

113. We're told by Hawk that Cobra hit the tombs of other great soldiers and leaders while they were busy guarding the tombs on the list that they knew about: "Julius Caesar, Geronimo, and Rasputin..." Wait, what? Rasputin? The evil, unkillable Russian monk? Granted, he was close to an immortal, but a "military genius"? He was just a crazy fuck who was probably fucking the Czar's wife while giving bad advice to the royal family. Cobra already has Cobra Commander for that. Aren't they trying to get away from those qualities?

114. Ummm, what? Doc and Lifeline (two MEDICS, mind you) are the genius engineers who figure out what the DNA-raping devices are? They don't even take the one that Slaughter retrieved apart in order to reverse-engineer it.... They just LOOK at it and have a full understanding of it. Damn, I hope Uncle Sam approves some raises for those two.

115. Oh, and the two medics already have a computer generated mock-up of the way they seem to think that Cobra will use the stolen DNA to create an army of super soldiers.... Which, honestly, is a ten times better idea than Mindbender's plan to make just one Cobra leader.

116. I can't believe I never saw just how stupid the Joe HAVOC tank is... It's entire front half has nothing but a giant glass canopy above it's two main operators, and the guy who fires the canons SITS ON TOP OF THE THING without even a thin layer of glass to protect his ass. Who fucking designs these things? Have they never seen combat themselves?

<< Go Back to Page Uno