The Rossman and the Angel of Music (AKA Sarah Brightman) Part II Actually, it wasn't that cool and Mission Impossibly. The Rossman almost blew it from the get go. As soon as we got past the deconstruction on the stage we found ourselves at a corridor with three large passageways and doors converging at the spot. One path went outside to some large semi truck trailers, one hallway went on forever with lots of official-like people walking around and talking/yelling with heavy accents over walky talkies and the third choice was a door that was closed with a big bearded biker/roadie sitting in front of it. So what did the Rossman do? He walks up to the seated roadie and in a horrible British accent asks "Is this where Miss Brightman comes out?" -_-. The man sitting down had no idea what he said and looked up puzzled at us. So the Rossman asked again in the same bad cockney with the same results. I dragged his arse away before he could get us kicked out before accomplishing our mission (which I had just found out was to find Ms. Brightman and have the Rossman propose to her on the spot). We "hastily walked" down the previously mentioned long corridor, but sure enough nobody stopped us despite the fact that we were as out of place as Bill Clinton in a Girl Scout or a gay Boy Scout Headmasters' meeting. It was that bad. No it wasn't. Well, it was close. Maybe as out of place as Timmons with a bunch of cool people ;). But I digress. Anywho, we started looking around the hallway to see if we could snag some sort of souvenir from one of the clothes racks lining the place or if we could find at least an abandoned backstage pass so that we could walk around without any fear. No luck either way (although the Rossman almost got away with pocketing a large red feather boa… he never told me why he wanted it and I stopped asking about it after he started getting defensive). After wandering around like lost sheep who pretend they know where they're going for 4-5 minutes (trust me, that's an extremely long time to be walking around a maze full of rats undetected) we found the golden sign. It read "Sarah Brightman's Dressing Room". The Rossman almost gizzed his pants again. But before we could move to either take a look or just bust in, people started shuffling out of the door like clowns at the circus out of one of those scary little cars. Her room couldn't have been that big, yet I would say 15 or so people flooded out like lemmings over a cliff! And each one stopped at the door to congratulate her on the show. So we decided to set up camp and wait for an opportunity to jump in, meet her and have the Rossman ask for her hand in matrimony. As we waited we raided a nearby roadie stockpile of snacks and sodas and got comfortable. Can you just imagine? The Rossman was actually planning to take that final step into hell known as marriage.... Again. To the left is the Rossman's first wife. Her name was Helga or Ratrophsky or something like that. The Rossman never said if the child was his or if he was simply and truly just (as he put it) "very very very very desperate" at the time. The whole ritual did prove useful though as he finally got his greencard to Pakirustan finalized and a week after his trip to the ex-republic lots of things blew up like in a James Bond movie... Hmmmmm, political espionage made up to look like a happy marriage? Well, it worked for the Clintons.

We had to wait a few more minutes for everybody to stop pouring out of the AoM's dressing room. In the meantime though we got to chat with some perplexed dancers (the cute girls with the hard bodies and great legs that danced with Sarah during a few of the numbers). They were nice and even offered us some beer and pizza in their dressing room (@_@). In hindsight it was stupid of me to decline, but dammit, I had to get engaged that night and nothing was going to stop me! Not even hot, bouncy and bendable dancers! Kare slapped me upside my head and shook hers while she sighed something about gift horses or slutty whores… I can never understand her when she starts doing that. But I wasn't really paying attention to her anyway as the people had just stopped coming out of the room! We both slowly rose to out feet, I took a deep breath and held it as we started walking in what seemed like slow motion towards the opening. Just as I was about to get my first glimpse of the Angel of Music from only a few feet away one last person came out of the dressing room… An English version of Dieter from Sprockets no less! As he was backing out ass first he was talking to my Sarah saying "Don't worry Ms. Brightman, I'll shut your door so you can have some quiet time". He then looked up to see me trying my hardest to look in, but then I turned my gaze to the water fountain just beyond the door hoping he'd be stupid enough to think that I just wanted a drink of H2O and wasn't stalking his singing star. It didn't work. (In an annoyingly tripe British accent) "Hey! Where are you goin'? Wait a minute! Where's your pass?! Oo are you people?!!!? Where's security?!?!?!" I tried to answer all his questions, but they kept coming fast and furious. I said "Well, we're just fans. We don't have a pass, are we not allowed back here? I think security's back down that way. They were the ones who let us back here." He stopped shouting at that and then started to look like he was going to ask me to touch his monkey. He said "Really? Who? Who said you could come back here?! You're not allowed ere ya know!!" I replied, "No, not really. Actually Jack said it was okay." But I wasn't looking at him as I said this. I was trying to see my sweet Sarah through the crack in the doorway to her room. So close and yet so far! It turns out that we didn't make Dieter as happy as a little girl. He did just about piss his pants like one though. As the pig fucker was dragging us away though I almost just turned him around, wound up and kicked him with all of my Rossman might in the jimmy. I would have said something clever like "And now's the time on Shprockets when we dahnce!" as we ran away.

After the Rossman brought up "Jack" Dieter grabbed us by the arms and started pulling us down the corridor that we had previously stalked down. It was surprising just how strong the little slimy shit was! The Rossman was able to pull his arm away and he made Dieter let go of me too :). Realizing that we were being forced to leave his soon-to-be fiancee farther and farther away he started to get a bit desperate. He tried to explain to the gelled up jackass that it was in fact fine for us to be slinking around unsupervised backstage with a very delicate and valuable international superstar within our grasp as we were just two crazy kids who were big big fans of the AoM and we didn't even have any knives or guns on us… Quite frankly I think he should have stopped before mentioning the sharp and shooting kinds of weapons. Dieter thought the same thing as his nostrels then flared up even more than they were before (he had Jabba the Hutt nostrels at that point) and he bellowed "SECURITY!" one more time. Finally, some huge black guy popped up from out of nowhere and our captor handed us over while explaining what had happened. When he got to "Jack" he paused and turned to the Rossman with a look of "this jam isn't really jam, is it mum?" on his face. He then screamed/spittled in the Rossman's direction "An who the bloody ell is JACK?!?!" The Rossman (surprisingly calm) replied "You know, Jack! Big guy. One eye." Then the security dude yanked us up to the door leading to the semi truck trailers and (amazingly enough) actually and literally threw us out!! I was pissed but the Rossman was impressed -_-. Soooooo, we started walking around the big trucks parked right outside when we noticed a line of people caged off from the road by a makeshift gate. We went up to a security guy who was keeping them all back (around 30 people) and I asked him what the line was for. He told us it was to meet Sarah when she walked out to her tour bus to leave. He then got all flippity and ordered us to get behind the barricade too. We were happy to oblige;)! Here's the big security dude and his partner tossing the Rossman out on his ass. The Rossman turned a whiter shade of pale when this big mutha came a callin'.

Before we were locked away with the common folk awaiting the AoM's arrival I tried to sneak into her tour bus. Here you can see me getting caught by Daisy Duke (one of Sarah's more competent Security Officers). I honestly didn't mind the frisking this time. While waiting to meet the AoM and propose to her, we started talking to everybody in the line that we just cut into the middle of. Rob was pretty cool and so was Troy. We jumped into their musical trivia game that they were playing and I totally triumphed and got most of their Led Zep, Queen and Ozzy questions. Then they had to try and stump me with some Brightman knowledge… Big mistake. Especially for me -_-. Gundamn that was boring. So, we talked for about a half an hour and soon Kare and I were minor celebrities in their midst when they found out we had gotten so close to getting into the AoM's actual dressing room. I felt like a god again!… Well, more like a Marx Brother, but I did feel more than mortal and pretty cool. Then Sarah appeared and began signing things and having her picture taken by the small crowd. We got up to her and I was surprised what I saw, she's only around 5'3" or 5'4"! She must get nothing but midgets to sing and dance with her seeing as she looked at least 5'10" or so onstage. She didn't even come up to my shoulder! And she was really pretty! I was a bit star struck and could only say something like "Can you sign my ticket stub?" and I totally forgot to ask her to be my wife (you can see the signed ticket stub in the title graphic above). Actually, all the Rossman could get out was "Uhhhhh, huh-huh heh-heh…. Sign, ticket…. Um, I love you!" And as soon as he was done Dieter (who was standing next to Sarah as she signed stuff) told her that we were the people who knew "Jack" and got him to let us backstage. She turned to us and then to the slimy one and asked "Who's Jack?" Then the Rossman did something pretty smooth. He looked her right in the eye and said "Jack. You know, big guy. One eye." And then he winked at her to emphasize Jack's optical handicap ^o^. Sarah just blushed, smiled and said "Ooooh." Then she kept signing away. Then we listened to Aerosmith all the way back to Athens. All in all it was a great night. I may have missed my chance this time, but Sarah will be mine someday. Call it kismet. Call it destiny. We shall be together and sing our way into the sunset of happily ever after just like Ariel and Prince Eric. And if Dieter is reading this and thinks I'm being a bit too obsessive and psycho, well then as soon as Sarah and I get married he's getting fired! Or he can take the job of walking our dog (who I'll make sure gets tons of Beef-a-roni in his diet). Here's the Rossman with Sarah right after she autographed his ticket. Right after they posed for this shot they both turned around and kicked the crappola out of Dieter. We ran in fear after Sarah pulled out her whips though so we really don't know if he'll ever get to touch his monkey ever again (I know we already used that joke but there's really not all that you can make fun of for a guy that looks like the host of Sprockets). EDITOR's Note: Well, I fixed this whole mess of an article up, but then Karen came along and decided that my finished work wasn't "poofy" enough.... She then poofied it up. She also added that "Beef-a-roni" comment near the end -_-. Right now I feel so wanted and needed that I'm going to go piss in the Rossman's gas tank. You may choose to flutter back to Part I of the AoM Adventure Or go to the EXAMINER Homepage