Are you kidding?!  I'd Buff her Y in a micron!
Why I Love Buffy

Yes. I admit it. It's been a few months since I've had a serious date. That may be what's distorting my view of reality right now. But the fact remains that I love Buffy... Buffy Summers.... The fictional television Vampire Slayer.

To help you understand me a little better and why it seems that I can't discern fantasy from non-fiction we'll have to go back in time to a few Valentine's Days ago. Kate and I had been seeing each other for about 7 years and had just begun to get serious. Talk of commitment and joint checking accounts came more and more frequently. Then one afternoon a week or so before V-Day she ended it all. She just reached into my chest and ripped my heart out like that voodoo guy in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. "It's just too fast too soon," she apologized like the little diseased monkey that she was. "Plus my new friend, Jackal, thinks that I should be free and live like a bird." So I let her go. The pain of paying the hit man hurt my wallet more that Kate hurt my pride.

So, there I found myself on a lonely Valentine's Day sitting at home with a twelve pack of Killian's and a mushroom pizza from Papa Johns. My only company the TV and an assortment of alcoholic beverages on the side. But then who should appear before my needy eyes but a blonde angel of destruction! A sexy stake wielding butcher of the undead! Yes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer came on the tele and made me want to live and stalk again! From then on I knew that I would never be forlorn as long as the Nielsons and reruns kept my honey alive!

Now, you may be asking me through your computer monitor, "Yo, Rossman, is that how it really happened? 'Cause that's pretty fucked up." To which I'd have to answer, "I can't really be sure, but it easily could have." You see, that time (the first 21 years of my life) was pretty sketchy what with all the "blind Canadian rage" and all. To tell you the truth I can't even remember much beyond 20 minutes ago. I do however have a slight recollection of knowing a woman named 'Kate' if that's of any help. Well anyway, just forget any misgivings and accept the fact that I love Buffy. That's enough to at least get you through this article.

If I can win the Mayor's approval I can bag whoever I want.


Now before anybody thinks that I may be a little irrational with my choice of intangible love interest I feel that I must point out that I have many good arguments to back up the Buffster. One has to take into account all the qualities and lifestyle choices a fictitious lover has before making a commitment. In the Slayer's favor we have her friends (well, I'm thinking mostly of the two cute lesbian witches that hang with her), her occupation (she kills demons and vamps deader than they initially were) and her sense of duty (to everything in her life).

Let's start with her fish-eating friends shall we. Willow (the flute floozy from American Pie) and Tara are the best kind of friends a Vampire Slayer could want. They're both semi-powerful witches in training and they're gay. While they may be "happy" gay too I'm referring to their prime choice of sexuality here. They are a pair of lovely lesbian witches. And I'm not just talking "Wicca" wiseacres here. Will and Tar do the whole witch thing in between their hot and oily love lessons. They cast spells, chant stuff and hang out at the local magic shop.

I knew a Wicca once. She wasn't hot or a lesbian though... well, not that I know of or even fantasize about. She was all weird and head-shaven. It was kinda scary. She even got all pissed and threatened me when I started making fun of her religion by saying stuff like "Well, I'm going to Pier 1 Imports now. Do you want me to pick you up some 'wicca' furniture?" and "Can you pass me another candle? The 'wicca' on this one's almost burnt out." I have no idea what crawled up her ass. She even threatened me with the combined power of her whole coven if I didn't stop calling her a "Wiccan Wino" whenever I'd catch her with a drink... Buffy's lesbians would never do that! But you know what the worst part was? The favorite movie of my Wiccan acquaintance was The Craft. I mean, holy shit! That's what caused me to run. That and the fact that she and her friends cast a spell to shrink a certain part of my anatomy.

Whoa!  I think that they cast a spell on me!... No, wait, that's normal.

To the left you'll find a picture of two lesbian witches. No, they're not the two cuties from Buffy, but they are hot.

Are you starting to understand why I love Ms. Summers? I mean, sure, the rest of her friends may be geeks or annoying twitty Brittish farts, but look at the picture to the left again! Lesbian witches!! That, my friends, is what we literary and thesaurusy types refer to as "Ingenious"!!

Buffy has more than a few other worthy pals though. While I might want nothing more than a show of just the Slayer slaying all sorts of dark beings of the night while the camera cuts to Willow and Tara giving each other sensual massages in a cheap hotel, I do understand what the writers are doing by including a bunch of other freaks and geeks into the mix. I guess I'm not the only demographic that they're looking for. Geeks like Xander and Giles hold their own in the course of each episode and they usually have witty remarks to hurl at the bad guy of the week while my Buffy is pounding it senseless with a stick or a tombstone. But it's the freaks like the semi-British (semi-surfer dude) 125 year old vamp Spike, and the 1000 year old ex-vengeance demon and full on sex kitten Anyanka (aka Anya) that make me realize that my utopia of nothing but Killing machines and lesbians might be a bit far-fetched.

Spike (aka William the Bloody) is pretty much a bad ass. He's killed 2 Slayers in the past and now has a major chubby for my Buffy. And who can blame him? As for Anya, well she's just a hottie in her own right. To be honest I'd probably have chosen her instead of the Buffmeister as the focus of my disturbing obsession if she were a cast regular when I started watching the show a few years back. She's just so yummy and she's the perfect smart ass too. Alas, she doesn't decrapitate demons by the dozen so I'm still fully focused on Ms. Summers. In the future I may be a big enough man to share my haunted affection between the two lovely chicas, so there's still some hope I guess.

Two Willows?!  I'm so fucking there!
Did you ever see the episode where there were TWO Willows? Holy shit, what a concept! One was an evil vampire from another dimension and one was the pre-lez redhead we all knew and loved. I don't know why they didn't do this kind of ratings stunt every other week! The only problem was the fact that neither Will ever got fully nekkid and they never made out with each other.


What I find to be just as cool as her choice of box-chomping buddies is Buffy's chosen un-paying occupation. Sure the hours suck ass, there is most definitely a health risk and apparently the powers she possesses come with a hidden death wish... but I wouldn't have her any other way. All the danger and monster blood is what makes being a Slayer so sweet! She can flip up ten feet into the air, land on a chaos-demon's shoulders, snap its neck with her feet and use its corpse to crush a hovering, silent Gentleman like a piano on a homeless man. Then she goes home, hangs out with her humorous friends and usually has violent sex with her boyfriend of the season. And I'm telling you that I can do that job! I was born to be the Slayer's love lackey.

I'm sure that it may seem complicated and maybe a bit scary to other less qualified men, but I could make it look soooooo damn easy. If I had to, I'd even go out and buy a woman that looks just like Buffy Summers and practice on her until I was sure that I got all the lovin' perfect. That's how determined I am.

And I figure that if there ever turned out to be a demon or Grand Pubah Vampire that proved to be too powerful and evil for the Slayer thus causing her destruction I could always move in on Anya. Xander's just a big pussy anyway. He might be able to get out a good zinger or two before I skewered his pathetic guts with a cross and threw him into the hellmouth, but like that'd hurt me too much. Plus Anya really likes acts of aggression and signs of strength. She'd be like Jell-O in my hands. Cherry flavored.

(to see how the Rossman's dangerous obsession plays out, go to Page 2)

Once Buffy became aware of my existence she tried to renegotiate her contract with the producers to ensure her "Daily Rossman Intake" was up to the minimum requirements necessary to live a healthy life (i.e. at least two nekkid wrestling matches a day). Unfortunately I wasn't in the country at the time and my agent refused their offer of $3.45 a week for the privilege.

Of course I ate his spleen with some fava beans when I found out, but it was too late. I had lost my best chance to do the Buffy-Bustle with the real thing and not just an amazing simulation like on my typical "Buffy Thursdays".

I couldn't have said it better myself.

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And as you already know, none of the pictures and characters and crap that I used in the above article are mine. They're all trademarks of rich people who live in California. I don't claim ownership of any of them (the pictures or the people who live in California).