We started out as a group of 42 potential jurors but we soon
faced a traumatizing onslaught of questions from the attorneys
as they attempted to weed out the pathetic and mental from the
strong and smart. They apparently only wanted the ignorant and
retarded though, which is how I got chosen. Throughout the questioning,
I sat next to a very large woman with a whoooole lot of perfume
on by the name of Rolanda. We started talking and making fun
of everybody else's answers to questions like, "Have you
ever had money stolen from you? And how did that make you feel?"
Some were great, like the big angry man who responded "Hell
yeah! It pissed me the hell off!" It was a good strategy
and he was one of the first to go.
Rolanda and I started a bet to see who could get out of jury
duty first. I thought I had a good plan, but they got to 'Landa
first. Initially they just wanted to know if there was any reason
that she could not be available if the trial lagged on. She said,
"You bet your sweet buns there is." The Plaintiff's
lawyer, the dude who looked and sounded waaaaay too much like
Al Gore despite the fact that he was the only one not in a real
suit, was taken a bit back by the blunt response, but he composed
himself as best he could and continued.
"Why, Rolanda? What is the reason?" She just bobbed
her head back and forth and said "Look, baby, if you keep
me locked up in this jury thing for any length of time my 5 kids
will kill each other at home! Now, you can take that as literally
or figuratively as you wanna, I don't care.... And I just don't
really wanna be here. That clear, sugar?" She got no further
questions and she was the next to get to go. I never paid her
the dollar I owed her.
In the end I was the first of the 12 jurors (and one alternate)
chosen. Those rat bastards. After we had been settled into our
big ass chairs the trial quickly began. It was a fraud case.
A very long and very dumb civil fraud case. Right off the bat
the defense lawyer told us that nobody involved in this case
is 100% innocent and that it was going to be up to us to see
who was "less guilty". Turns out that the Plaintiff
(the Mr. Roper-looking man) invested in a retarded pyramid scheme
mortgage deal that went shady (as if it was not when he first
got involved) and then died. Despite the fact that he made a
good 95% of his money back he still wanted close to $1million
from the Defendant (who coincidentally looked almost exactly
like Mr. Soprano) due to stress, mental anguish or some other
bogus bullshit like that. The Defendant wasn't even the Chairman,
the President or the Accountant of the company he invested in!
It made no sense!!! All I was asking was for it to make a LITTLE
To the right you can see the
Defendant and his lawyer, or at least reasonable facsimiles.
Mr. Soprano shouldn't hafta be treated like dis. Dis is disgraceful.
His lawyer, Teller, of Penn and Teller fame, tried his bestest
to get him off so that he could start beating up old ladies on
the street and stealing bottles from babies in the park after
hiding dog crap in their baby carriages again.