God bless the Pilgrims and their early bio-warfare.  Now we don't have to worry 'bout no Injun attacks!
A Time for/of Thanks

Thanksgiving is a time of repentance. A time to look back on one's pathetic and evil life and whip yourself across the back (like Indiana Jones against the Nazis) for every sin you've committed up till that point... Or is that Halloween. Could be Muskrat Day too. And for the pious few like Angry Amy it's called "Tuesday".

Anyway, I guess you should give thanks too. Thanks to the Pilgrims for coming across the ocean blue in thirteen hundred fifty-two. Thanks for the Indians who got those puds through the first few Massachusetts winters. Thanks for Davey Crockett and Tubbs who slaughtered the red-skin devils years later so that they couldn't steal any more of our precious plastic beads. Thanks for the French for actually getting off their asses and giving us a pretty cool Statue of Liberty for our 100th birthday. Thanks for Reagan for making us a kick ass country again who took crap from nobody. And most importantly, thanks for Hugh Hefner for the most ingenious invention of all time: the centerfold.

So, for this special Thanksgiving Edition of the Rossman Examiner I have brought together all of the Rossman Peoples to let them tell you what they are most thankful for. This is quite possibly the most touching piece I've ever put together *Sniff*.

Doctor Dave
The Shady Crazy himself!!"Thanksgiving is a special time of year for me and the Mrs. It's the occasion that I dig her body up from the grave and dress it up all pretty like to impress our remaining family and friends. I would have ressurected her corpse and brought the woman back to life a while ago, but her brain was so far decayed by the time I invented my machine to raise the dead. She probably would have just walked around like Boris Karloff in those ridiculous shoes he wore in that old documentary while she tried to eat the dog's or my brain. Then I would have had to hack her head off with a table saw and stabbed her through her rotted heart with a silver-tipped ice pick. I bet she would have complained about what a pigsty our place has become since her 'accident' too. That bitch...

"So, I'm thankful for all the abandoned pets in my neighborhood. They make great lab rats, if you'll pardon the pun. I'm also thankful for the fact that the police are really easy to bribe in my area. Except the state cops. They're always total bastards and stick to the letter of the law. Even when it's most inconvenient for me. Like that time they found close to 2,000 severed thumbs in the reservoir and immediately came over to my lab to harass me about it and to ask if I gnawed off the fingerprints of each and every one of them with my own teeth!! How disgusting is that?! The human body can only really handle about six to seven hundred thumb prints without vomiting. It was pretty obvious that I let some raccoons chomp on the rest. I mean, did they even check with the CSI team?!!? Makes you wonder some times, don't it."

The Wolfman
The Man-mutation is thankfull too!"What the hell?! 'Give thanks?!' The Wolfman don't give no thanks!... Hmmmmmm. Well, maybe the Wolfman is thankful for the forces of evil. The Wolfman would not have anything to do on Thursday nights if everybody in my 'Evil Rulz Club' just sat at home and watched The Cosby Show or somethin'.

"I guess that I'm also thankful for chloroform. Without it all those dogs and squirrels and babies I needs to get for the sacrifices would be close to fucking impossible to bag. I guess that I could get those squirrels and maybe some chickens without it, but forget about the babies. Holy shit do they cry when you try to pick them up out of their strollers and run. And the ones with teeth just suck! The Wolfman don't like gettin' bit by rugrats with full pantalones that reek worse than Chi-Chi's bedsheets.

"The Wolfman's also thankful for nudie magazines. Without Hustler and Hispanic Titties Monthly I wouldn't be half the Wolfman I am today."


The Skipper
The law of the sea be the only thing he need."Arrrrrrrr. What be I thankful for?... That be a toughie. I suppose that I'm most thankful that all those horrible laws about underage prostitution don't apply on the open sea. That be me biggest blessin'. I be thankin' Miss Tabitha Pussy for her floatin' Bordello of Boobies and Beastiality every time I visit. Arrrrrrrrrr.

"I'm also thankful for that penicillin stuff that the good doctor gives me. Without those magical tablets I be afraid that me first mate would burn with the fires of a thousand hells every time I released the whiskey from me system. Arrrrrrrr. I don't know if you know what it be like to feel your Davey Jones getting clawed and set ablaze from the inside whenever you try to do some of nature's simple business, but it never be a pleasant experience. This Skipper'd prefer to try and give a gay great white a blow job while it eats me own leg than go through that fiendish urethra flame even once more. It sends shivers through me timbers of unproportional measures, laddie.

"Also, I be most grateful for pudding. There be so many wonderful uses for it: An alternative to mud for them female wrestlin' matches at the Sea Wench Pub on Thursdays; Air; A tasty tartar sauce for my patented feisty fish sandwiches; and you can use it as a sort of edible ass spackle. Bill Cosby himself taught me that little trick. Arrrrrrrr. That pudding pop maniac!!"

Angry Amy
She's saying that I'm "number one!!""This is the gayest thing I've ever been forced to do for the Rossman and his retarded site. If only he didn't have those goddamn pictures......

"Well, I'll tell you what I'm not thankful for. I'm not thankful in the least for Kodak disposable cameras. I'm also not thankful for the office custodians who apparently can't fix any of the fucking locks in the ladies room on the sixth floor of our office building. I'm also not very thankful that my boyfriend is a horny jackrabbit who gets his tiny rocks off by doing it in public places during lunch hour when I know that the Rossman and his cronies are still in the building.

"I'm also not thankful that there's a waiting period for buying a handgun and ammo in this state. I'm not thankful that the Rossman has the mayor in his pocket and that he can sic the entire police force on me if he wants (which he does on occasion apparently just for kicks). I'm not thankful for some of the new techniques that the cops now use to quell rioters. Such as high range pepper spray, fire hoses and the ever evil 'police bitch slap of injustice.'

"If I do have to be thankful for something it would have to be for hope. Hope that one day the Rossman and his homo-robot will somehow die a horrible and painful death in either an explosion or electrocution of some kind. Something that will remove his testicles before his ultimate demise so that the last thing he ever feels is terrible and searing pain."

The MegaPlayboy
"Thankful, shmakeful!!""Bitches and bullets, hot rods and mullets; rap music and throwing stars, hard alcohol and manly bars; THAT'S what the MegaPlayboy is thankful for, ya ho.

"The 'hood and my homies, the DQ and the Shoney's; speed metal music from Germany, headbanging to wonderful harmonies. THIS is what makes the MegaPlayboy happy and sappy, ya bitch.

"I tried to live life right, holy shit what an awful sight! My house was prissy and clean, but my neighbors were still pissy and mean. I had to fuck my pad up fast, for the sake of my un-black and blue ass.

"I'm thankful for my whores and bitches, and that cream that stops the burning and itches. The security system that I spent some major greens for, cause it stops those pigfuckers kickin' in the back door.

"I'm thankful for the neighborhood goat, the payoffable cops and explodable boat (it was Jimmy Jammer's lame dad's boat. Long story, ya psycho pussy!). If it make me smile, then it's all my style. Thanks galore, now suck it, ya whore."

More thanks must be given...go to Page 2>>

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