|
The Rossman
|
Greetings and salutations. I am the Rossman and today I bring to you the Ultimate Discussion regarding Otakon 2002. I will lead this self-labeled "Rossman Group" (mostly made up of Team Greenwood) and try to coerce them into saying shit that might embarrass themselves. Before I introduce everybody, I just wanted to let you all know that I am recording this conversation to be archived for future generations. If you don't like it, too bad, I had Robot Pedro lock the door to this room from the outside. To my left we have Mulder and to his left is Psycho Weasel.
The Chief is on my right with his honey bunny, Foxfur on his
other side. To Foxfur's right is the Diva and Mehve is directly
across from her and next to the Weasel.
Yes? Mulder, you already have a question? |
Mulder
 |
Uh, Yeah. How come if this is supposed to be a "round
table discussion" we're at a rectangular table and you're
at the head? There's not even anybody at the other head of the
table. That just doesn't seem all that fair to me. |
Foxfur
 |
I have to agree with Brian on that one. I mean, shouldn't
at least Matt be at the other end if you get one? He is
the Chief. |
|
The Rossman
|
Whoa! Whoa, people! Now, let's not start everything off with
a mutiny, 'kay? First of all, this is the roundest table I could
find. Secondly, we are going to be using people's codenames throughout
this conference. That way those evil bookkeeping commies can't
track you guys down for the money I owe them that I said you
all stole from me. It's all for your own safety.
Now, let's get back to Otakon. Dane- uh, I mean "Mehve",
did you want to begin things by talking about your trip up from
Atlanta?
|
Mehve
 |
Ummm, it sucked. Rossman, why'd you get to fly but we
didn't? You suck. |
The Rossman
|
Because Otakon originally only gave us seven regular
tickets. I had to trade in 5 of them to upgrade me to first class. |
Mehve
|
.......... Wha-, uh, if that's the case then why didn't
you let anybody else use the last ticket to fly coach with you? |
The Rossman
|
Huh?... What's in my-... Oh, shit dude! Ha ha ha ha!
Here's the last ticket in my pocket. I guess it was there the
whole time. Boy is my face red. |
Psycho Weasel
 |
You mongo... |
the Diva
 |
Can we leave now? |
the Chief
 |
Hey now, everybody. Let's just relax a bit and let the
Rossman do his thing. He's just trying to find his groove is
all. Let him flow. Like, like the water. |
Psycho Weasel
|
*Sigh* I guess that since we're all here we might as
well talk about what happened on the way to the con. Say, like,
Washington D.C. |
the Chief
|
Holy crap! D.C. can lick my nuts like a mother fucker!
That city just blows. It is most non-cut-ass rugged. Why the
fuck would it have two highways named the exact same number,
just with one going to Baltimore and the other going straight
to the ghetto? Is that not the stupidest thing you've ever heard
of? |
Mulder
|
"As the snow flies.
On a cold and grey Chicago morn' another liitle baby child is born
In the ghetto
And his mother cries ( in the ghetto )
'Cause if there's one thing that she don't need,
it's another little hungry
mouth to feed In the ghe-" |
Foxfur
|
Brian, you weren't even with us. You didn't even show up till the second day. And you were born in a nice suburb. We've seen your parents' house. It ain't ghetto in the least. |
The Rossman
|
Yeah... Say, does anybody else remember that time at
the con that Matt, er, the Chief found those two little Mothra
fairies and tried to make a wish on them but all they did was
sing really bad dubbed songs, dress up in Barbie clothes and
make out... Wait, Chief, was that your wish? |
 |
Mulder
 |
Rossman! Whoa! I guess you did find some crack rock after
all!.... Can I have some? |
The Rossman
|
Anyway, I remember being the first one there at the Convention
Center and just sitting around for hours the first day watching
the lines grow and the B.O. rise. Ota-funk made an early appearance.
It made me cry. |
the Diva
|
Yeah, did people stop bathing 2 weeks before the convention
in preparation? Was there a Con-Funk contest that I missed? If
there was, then I think that loser in the Ghost Sweeper movie theater, who then went to the Animeigo panel later on, should have won. Not only did he stink like a monkey after a day old urine bath, but he was the most annoying turd there. And there were like 15,000 people there. |
Psycho Weasel
|
What, you mean that retard that kept trying to correct people
with his mammoth insight and rapier wit? "It's not 'Ghost Sweeper' it's really 'Ghost Sweeper Mikami. I should know. I've read the manga.'" And he pronounced it mange-ah.
Man, and when he started bugging those guys in the Animeigo panel like that, I just felt so bad for them. He was all like, "Hey GUYS! It's, it's me! Hey! Where are you staying?! Where? You wanna get some dinner? Please? Don't abandon me!! I need love too!" He sounded like Mandark from Dexter's Lab when he talked.
Gawd. It was quite obvious that they wanted nothing to do
with the ass, yet he kept on talking to the backs of their heads
like a total schlong. |
Mulder
 |
DOOD!! Didn't I tell you to NEVER mention the Schlong
again!!! |
|
The Rossman
|
Okay, five minute break for Brian. Weasel was only talking
about some other schlong. Not OUR schlong. Our Schlong is still in that old refrigerator in the dump. Nobody let that fucker out. It's okay. Breathe. Take deep breaths. In, out. In, out. That's it. Let's talk about the opening ceremonies now. I know you guys were still lost in the shithole armpit of D.C. at the time, but I just wanted to cover this. The OP ceremony was really really really crappy. Very unprofessional. They had people in T-shirts and jeans mumble their way through introducing the Guests of Honor, but only 2 out of 7 guests were even there. Then with each guest that they announced they showed a clip of their work... A 3.5 second clip of their work. Edited together by a schizophrenic A.D.D. child hepped up on goofballs.
Everybody around me in the press section was acting like this was the greatest ceremony since Queen Victoria's coronation. Or, or like Starscream's coronation in Transformers the Movie! That was cool when Galvatron zapped the tar out of him and turned him to charcoal.
And once again, the topic of "Which anime chick would you bang" came up before the start of everything too. I must have missed the one about "Which anime chick would laugh at, then kick the shit out of any of you losers before ripping your so-called manhood off with her bare hands." I always miss that one.
|
Mehve
|
Somebody was talking about how the Otakon chairperson
tried to make "living in a fake anime imaginative world"
seem cool. Did that really happen? |
The Rossman
|
Bwa ha ha ha!! Oh yeah, I forgot about that. She looked normal
and all, and she even had a real live family too I think. I guess
she was just trying to make all the lamers feel wanted by somebody
other than their right hands. It was the most love they probably
got all year.
"All right!! Did you hear that?! She said it was cool
to pretend I live next door to Voltron! Sweet!"
There was also some guy who asked the audience if they still
lived with their parents, and more than 1/2 of the crowd raised
their arms before realizing what they had acknowledged and looking
around in shame.
Scott Frazier and Neil Nadelman were fun speakers (they rock),
but the highlight of the opening ceremonies was that J-Pop princess
who sang the Eva opening song in a new remix. Pretty neat. |
the Chief
|
What?! Damn D.C.!! That would have been pretty damn uber
to see. KHAAAAAAAAAAN!! |
Psycho Weasel
|
What kills me about the whole con experience as a whole lately, is that yes, there are more and more females going to these things, but NONE of the over 18 crowd are do-able in the least. It's like some kind of evil metamorphosis I guess. They're all hot and cute and stuff when they're not so much legal, but as soon as they become of un-prosecutionable age they all blimp up and their faces get all deformed. Is there an "ugly hormone" that resides in all anime fan girls? |
Foxfur
|
Hey!!! |
Psycho Weasel
|
Uh, present company Greenwood girls excepted, of course...
Meg. Nicki. |
The Rossman
|
Brilliant save, Ryan- DAMN, I mean Psycho. Yes, Greenwood babes were the only over 18 year old hotties there.
What I was kinda pissed most about though was how people reacted to my YAMACSICO
shirts that I had made especially for Otakon 2000... That I only
just got to wear for Otakon 2002. They are works of art! And
they actually have a message.
I had one goth looking chick come up to me and tap me on the shoulder with a sword. She asked, "What does that mean?" as she looked at my back. I replied, "Just like it says. 'People who alter anime suck.'" She was like, "So, does that mean that people that alter anime for music videos are bad?" She was seriously pretty pissed at that thought. I assured her though that "Only companies that actually screw with the visuals or audio of anime that they release can suck it." But she came back with, "Well, music video people change the audio and video too. So they must suck then!" I finally just said, "Yes. You're right, they do." That seemed to make the re-re happy, yet sad at the same time. It was like she won yet she lost. Kooky. |
the Diva
|
Most con-goers are like that. It's like they recently come to the conclusion that their lives are as pointless as a hamster up Richard Gere's ass, but they don't know what to do about it to change things. So they just sit on the hamster like it's normal, but they try to attack others who make fun of them for their rodent-lovin', like that girl thought your shirt was doing. |
The Rossman
|
Well, it kinda was. In a Freudian way it was making fun
of her penis too. |
Mulder
|
Speaking of hamsters up Richard Gere's anus, remember that
hamster show we saw about the little rodent who could talk and
helped her master try and get laid but then got crushed and smashed
all the time by her master and her boyfriend? That was awesome!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I was just thinking about that guy that
started shtooping his girlfriend while thinking of the hamster!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! |
Foxfur
|
..........................................................
....................................................................
..........................................................
Oooooooookay...... |
The Rossman
|
No, it's true. I actually saw it too. It was called Eibichi the Household Hamster or something. It was from Gainax but
the animation was really shitty. But that just added to the humor.
I couldn't believe how much blood that little furball had
in it. A good gallon or two would come squirting out everytime
it was thrown against a wall or stepped on.
If this ever comes out in the States you know those freaks
at PETA will throw a hissy fit when kids who are bored with the
hamsters that their parents got them during the Hamtaro
hamster popularity craze start turning them into smashing and
crashing furry flying funbags. |
the Chief
|
*Shudder!* Urgh! I just had a flashback to the Gut Pirate.
Hmmmmm, I wonder if he has a secret identity or something.
Honey, remember that one guy dressed up as a pirate?.... With
the big gut? |
Foxfur
|
Yeeeeeaaaaaaaah.... What about him? |
the Chief
|
Wow. He was fat. |
Psycho Weasel
|
Hey, what about the artroom. We never found that asshole
who stole that oragami boulder I had up for sale. |
The Rossman
|
That was a terrible, terrible tragedy. I was also pissed that
nobody bought my incredible works of existensialistic art too.
I mean, "Fat Girl in Naga Costume" was great and all,
but "Guy With Goggles" was my best work ever! It so
captured the feel and likeness of that turd with the goggles
on. I even drew in his gay hair and his second pair of eyeglasses.
Meg, you were in the artroom most of the time. Did anybody
buy my shiznit? Or were they trashed like Ryan's $25 boulder?
|
 |
Foxfur
|
Ummmm, sure. Somebody bought them... Despite the fact
you didn't pay for the table that you set up shop in and you
were asking for $150 per piece of paper that you spent maybe
30 seconds on. |
The Rossman
|
Whaaat?!!? Where's my money then?! That'll pay for my
next porno binge! |
Foxfur
|
I was mugged... By the Gut Pirate. Yeah, that fat bastard
took all your moneys. Then he stepped on a kitten. |
the Chief
|
Ahhhhhhh! Gut Pirate strikes again!!! |
|
The Rossman
|
Crap! If I ever find him I will make him pay. I will staple
his stomach so that if he eats anything more than one single
french fry he will explode in a pile of vomit!!!!
Speaking of assholes, the Ninja Burger dude (as seen in my avatar) was kind of a novice dick too. I begged the fucker and then threatened his sorry ass with a mega-ton future punch, if he didn't invite me to the Ninja Burger party that Saturday night. Well, he had to get permission from that girl dressed up as Evangelion's Rei, but once I got it they lied to me about what room it was in at the Hyatt. Bastardos!!!! |
|
Psycho Weasel
|
Ha ha! Rossman got shafted! How does it feel, almighty Megacrumb?
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuurned!!!!
|
|
The Rossman
|
Trust me, my techie-loving friend, I am well trained in the
art of ninja-slaughter. They will pay. Oh yes, they will pay.
My blood alcohol level that night was getting pretty low. I truly needed that party. But in all honesty I guess it was fate that made me miss it, for if I did find the Ninja Burger swarray I would have totally missed my favorite Iron Eagle actor, Louis Gossett Jr. as he ran around half naked in the courtyard between the con center and the Hyatt at 1:00 in the morning. |
