Morons of the world Vs. My Teeth (07/03/2002) Terrorists. Enron. Worldcom. The State of California. Morons and jackasses, all of them. All you have to do is pick up a paper or turn on CNN to see that the world is going to Hell in a handbasket filled with Molotov Cocktails and Corky with a cigarette lighter. And it's all the fault of assholes like the ones listed above. And it's pissing me off. Do I hate big businesses in general? No. Do I wish that the big earthquake that's going to turn California and the Western seaboard into a new Atlantis would happen anytime soon? No, I rather enjoy Californee in small doses actually. Do I wish that all Al Qeada (sp?... who gives a shit) members would decide that a mass suicide would be the best way to settle things with the people of the world whom they loathe? Of course. But that was a stupid question.
Anyway, my point is this: Reading about how Morons are doing their best to screw over society (and after the screwing they sit around their sick mansions in pink robes with fluffy slippers and jack off to Richard Simmons in slow motion on the VCR)... well, it's making me a total wreck. I've recently started grinding my teeth subconsciously while I'm awake and asleep. I've already cracked a tooth down to the gumline and the rest of my mouth is in almost constant pain. I'd guess that it's the aching equivalent of biting down on a fork or a stainless steel dildo (for the ladies) several dozen times a minute, all day long. The point to that is I've had just about enough of this shee-it. Take, for example, the idea of terrorism. The entire reason for this train of thought is "terror". I've already talked about this at great length before, so I'll just skim the main points here. Camel fuckers in the Middle East like to crash planes and blow things up in order to scare the shit out of people that they don't like. The people that they try to blow up never know when or where they might get blow'd up. Thus terror ensues. Yeah, that's pretty screwed up thinking from our point of view. And from the points of view of 57,300,930,001 species of intelligent life in the universe. But for the Al Qaeda and their little boy sex slaves it somehow makes perfect sense. But I digress. Just like millions of other Americans, I got through the whole 9/11 thing fairly well. I'm still uber-pissed off and all, but mentally I'm stable... Except for one thing: my teeth. My fucking teeth. Sure, I was guilty of grinding my molars and canines long before September of 2001, but it was the week that followed (with the fear of falling planes, white powder in my mail and being stalked by a psycho ex with a vendetta and a crowbar) that brought my gnashing to new levels of aggravation and pain. By around the 17th of September I was able to stop pissing my pants at every door-slam and face in the window, but for some reason my habit of chewing my own teeth persisted. That's great. I guess that means the terrorists won. Except for us killing most of them and an entire country in a desert halfway around the world. A few months later I was getting used to my new gold crown that had to replace a good portion of a cracked right molar. Things were going swell (as swell as they could be, all things considered) again... but then some more jackasses popped up in the news. ENRON collapsed from the inside out like that dead whore in that joke about the poor bum who just wanted a blow job at the brothel. Bwa ha ha HA HA ha!! Holy shit is that a great joke!
So ENRON collapsed because the people in charge were total assfucks who didn't give a shit about anything other than their own balls and the butt-loads of cash that they stole. Normally this would be funnier than a midget stuck in an outhouse that was just pushed down a large hill by a sasquatch in a leotard, but since I wasn't as smart as either the midget or the bigfoot and actually had some money invested in ENRON I'm going to have to say that it's not quite that amusing. Yeah, sure, it wasn't that much mullah. But the fact that some dickless and smarmy horse-ball licking cunt-fart stole my money and then told me "Oop! Well, you weren't supposed to find out about this anyway, so it's really your own fault" really got my girlfriend's panties in a bunch (it would have been me getting them in a bunch, but unlike you [you perv] I don't wear panties). I spent weeks reading CNN.com and watching the news every night just trying to figure out what exactly happened with my cash stash and why I was never going to see it again, and I still don't have a goddamn clue as to what happened. Something about expensive male prostitutes and millions of stolen dollars in silk sheets and sex-change operations, but that's about all I could figure out. This was sad and moronic enough as is it. But of course, due to my patented Blind Canadian Rage that once again began to rear it's angry head, my bicuspids became a battle ground one more time. More gnawing and gnashing and biting and fighting until I had to start wearing a retarded looking mouthguard at night so that I didn't incur any more major dental bills. I tell ya, I tried every stress reliever known to man in order to break this mental habit! I tried kicking strangers in the gonads. I even gave live-target ninja-shuriken practice in the park a shot! And that one time that I brought a baseball bat to work just turned out bad for everyone involved. No relief was in sight. Little did I know that the MORONS of the WORLD would soon strike again. And this time even harder than before with all of their limited brain capacities working together to form one giant re-re mind of stupidity. Kind of like all the liquid metal bits of the T1000 melting back together again after Arnold shattered its frozen ass like a crystal dildo thrown against a brick wall. What the hell is up with my verbal fascination with dildos today? Continue
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