(Monkey hate technology. Robot hate the monkey.)
10/23/2003

Holy shit! We as human beings are setting ourselves up for our own little apocalypse. It's like in Ghostbusters when the team is told to choose the world's destructor, and Ray chooses the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man... Only today, scientists are choosing to create evil robot ninja monkeys. I shit you not. I would not jest about the end of the world in such a way.

For years we've been experimenting on monkeys: Trying to make them funnier and fling their poop farther than ever before. But now we've gone too far! According to Yahoo News, scientists on the South Jersey shore have actually tapped into the untold potential of monkey brains. Not for soup, like in Temple of Doom, but in order to hook electrodes and car batteries up to them so that they can plug the monkey directly into the Matrix... and into robots. Yes, said evil scientists are hooking monkeys up to robots, and the monkeys are now able to move the unholy robots WITH THEIR MINDS!!! First, the evil scientists allowed the electrode monkeys to move the robots with a joystick controller, but... well, read the following quote from the Yahoo article to see their evil progress:

"The joystick was later unplugged and the (robot) arm, which was in a separate room, was controlled directly by the brain signals coming from the implants. The monkeys eventually stopped using the joystick, as if they knew their brains were controlling the robot arm, Duke University researcher Miguel Nicolelis said."

The monkeys fucking KNEW they were in charge of the robots!! Monkeys and robots are ancient mortal enemies, but science is trying to unite them in their fight against humanity. See, monkey mates in the jungle, but robot replicates in factory. They were meant to have a giant rumble. They both love their mothers. Why must they hate eachother?... well, they don't anymore. The status quo was kept in check by their constant battling, but now, the future looks like it will be a mix of Planet of the Apes and Terminator III: Rise of the Machines. When the world blows up, we'll only have ourselves to blame.

Oh sure, after all of humanity is killed off by Dr. Zaius' simian army and Arnold's machine platoons, they will turn on eachother... But it will be too late for me. I'll already be dead and everything after that point in time will be stupid monkey history.

The monkey robot research gets even scarier:

"A series of electrodes containing tiny wires were implanted about a millimeter deep into the brains of two monkeys. A computer then recorded signals produced by the monkeys' brains as they manipulated a joystick controlling the robotic arm in exchange for a reward — sips of juice."

Jesus Christ! We're even rewarding the monkeys for learning how to kill us! The fact is, we are teaching these chimps that if they crush things with the robotic brainwave arms that we have bestowed upon them, they will get a treat in return. What happens when we run out of treats? Juice today, but soon the reward will be children and human blood. That's just how these things progress. Has science learned nothing from Charlton Heston movies?!? And what if these super smart robot equipped evil monkeys are so pleased with Mr. Heston after watching Planet of the Apes that they then watch Soylent Green or the Omega Man... and then they get ideas. Fuck! If they start melting us down for their food supply and then sic vampires on us it'll be over faster than Clint Eastwood's monkey's career after Every Which Way But Loose!

Now to take a look at the other end of the spectrum: The ROBOT point of view. Mankind has been becoming lazier and fatter year after year, decade after decade ever since we starting inventing mechanical helping devices and stopped lifting things, moving things and even moving our own lethargic bodies to anywhere but the IHOP around the corner. It all started with locomotions... Or was that a "dance". Anyway, trains were the beginning of it all. Then we made robots to make our sacrilegious machines for us. Then we made robot toilets that know when you're done with your business (check out the Seanbaby.com Probe for more info on that). Now we are making martial arts ninja robots. Presumably to kill us all. Here's a quote from somebody at some convention:

"Another miniature humanoid robot on display was Fujitsu's HOAP-2. This droid has been programmed to perform moves from the Chinese martial art taijiquan, as well as Japanese Sumo wrestling stances.

Visitors to CEATEC 2003 (Combined Exhibition of Advanced Technologies) met Morph3, a human-like robot about 30-centimetres tall developed by researchers at the Chiba Institute of Technology in Japan. It can perform back flips and karate moves thanks to 138 pressure sensors, 30 different onboard motors and 14 computer processors."

Granted, this model is only 30 centimeters tall, but knowing the Japanese and their country-wide shame of owning small penises, the next version of the evil robot ninja machine of death will be MechaGodzilla size. We are so fucked.

But the article goes on:

"But impressive as these high-kicking robots are, Frederic Kaplan, at Sony's robotics laboratory in France, says making more agile robots is not the biggest challenge facing robotics researchers at the moment.

"There are challenges in terms of mechanics still, but the biggest gap would be in intelligence," he told New Scientist. "One of the key things we are looking at now is developmental robotics, where a robot learns."

Now do you see why I'm already crapping my pants in FEAR? All it will take is one rogue monkey who rises up through the mechanical mind-linked ranks to realize what an awesome ally of theirs the kung-fu robots could be. They will stop their long feud and turn on their common foe, man unkind. Just imagine if that evil ninja robot was hooked up into an evil robot-controlling monkey with a grudge! That's armageddon right there!

On top of all that, just imagine how much medication evil robot monkeys could steal from the elderly!

I'm scared. I won't lie to you. I live in constant fear of the day that the ninja robot monkeys come a knockin' on my door looking for refrigerator magnets shaped like bananas that they can then put on their metal bodies to look like fruity tattoos. But right now I'm just so freaked out of my mind that I can't even think straight enough to come up with a solution to the inevitable problem facing us. Well, other than killing all of the scientists who are developing these things. But they're also the same scientists who are creating the PlayStation XXIII and the robotic lifelike female whores of tomorrow... So we're back to square one.

Will they heed my warnings in time? Will science stop messing with perfection (monkeys are already perfect! Stop fucking with them!)? Will I ever marry Nicole Kidman?... Not if those damn dirty apes and Robocop take over the planet.

This article is of course dedicated to the greatest music video of all time, simply titled "Monkey Vs Robot." Booya!

NOTES FROM THE EDITOR: Monkeys are our friends. Why can't the Rossman see that? Is he blinded by jealousy? Jealous of their ability to run around naked and still get to hang out with Jay and Silent Bob? Well, when the Monkey God gets to judge him in the next life I'm sure he'll have second thoughts about his misplaced repugnance. All hail the Monkey God!

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