"I Can't Believe I'm Not Dead" Party Rundown
I'm getting old. No shit. It happens to everyone, even porn stars
(though at least I don't have to start doing triple or
quadruple penetration movies to make up for my age). The difference
between regular people who get old and me is the fact that sometimes
I forget that I'm aging.
Take for example this past New Year's Party. I got a little
stupid. See, I followed the ever-partying Chi-Chi up to some
remote mountain cabin in Tennessee to spend 3 days with a bunch
of his ever-partying friends while they counted down to 2003.
This is my photojournal*.
*The names of the innocents
(well, those who were/are a bit more innocent than me) have been
changed so as not to embarrass or scar either them or their families
as these photos spread through the internet at a speed that rivals
the transference of midget pirate porn.
Here we can see the
man of the hour, Chi-Chi, as he explains to the enthralled party-goers
the mysteries of Stephen Hawking's theories of alternate dimensions
that dwell in the infinite number of white holes strewn throughout
the universe in non-random patterns.... Naw, I'm just shittin'
ya. He's actually shaking the chandeliers with a belch that set
off car alarms and started avalanches 4 miles away.
This is a picture
of Doogie's friend, errrr, hell, I don't remember his name. I
barely even remember taking this shot of him cleaning out this
girl's sinuses. I believe I got this picture right after she
asked him why his nickname was "Booger".
Here we can see the
two brothers, Quinn and Alfie, supporting the Army Ranger guy,
Lenny, as they dress him up in the customary "New Year's
Man Rape Sacrifice" ceremonial robes. They all disappeared
for a few hours after this picture was taken, so we all believe
that everything went off without a hitch.
Charley was the
main man who put everything together this year, and he was also
the first to get fit shaced beyond all recognition. Here we can
see him doing his wigger impersonation of either Eazy E or Don
Knotts... He was doing both a lot that night and you really can't
tell them apart in still photos. It's really amazing; those guys
could easily be brothers.
Quinn passes out
while his brother Alfie watches Chi-Chi dry hump the recliner.
In order to immitate his favorite porno, Chi-Chi made a big show
of pretending to pull-out early and then he sprayed the chair
with milk from a turkey baster. That's pretty much when we called
the first day of partying "over".
passes out and Kelly gives him a good-night kiss... Right before
she sticks his hand in a bowl of warm water and pisses on his
face. It was funny, the next morning he claimed that he "never
felt fresher" his whole life, and refused to even take a
shower. Needless to say, he didn't have anybody to smooch at
midnight that night.
If anybody asks,
this is actually my evil twin, Jiff, pretending to be
all hard core, ghetto rapper... Not me. Never me.
Once he has two pints of vodka in him there's just no stopping
Jiff's mad rapping skillz.
that's Rita clutching her boyfriend in fear behind MC Jiff after
Jiff tried to get "all Eminem" on her... Translate
that however you will.
It had to happen
sooner or later. Somebody had to swallow that damn tequila worm,
turn gay and put on a faggy lampshade. This time it was Bandit's
turn. He's a little too into it, isn't he (both the lampshade
and that whole "gay" thing).
Nope, this picture
isn't upside down. This is the "toilet money shot"
picture. Apparently some drunk fuck wanted to see things from
the toilet's perspective when the vomitting was in full force
on New Year's Eve.
is hard as holy hell to get runny puke out of the small joints
of a very expensive digital camera.
Apparently for some
reason I had this whole "pointing thing" going on during
the partay. I'm not proud of it, but I won't/can't deny it. I
am who I am, and what I did is what I was to do. But, at least
I'm not wearing that retarded thing on my head like Chi-Chi.