for Gary Coleman for California Governor
Fuck Arnold Schwarzenegger! Screw him up his muscular, Austrian ass! That shit-tard doesn't know one goddamn thing about being Governor. But I think I'm getting a little ahead of myself. Let me backtrack a bit. See, the current Governor of the skidmark of a state, California, has been kicked out of office or something. Maybe he's dead, I don't know for sure. I don't watch CNN all day like some of you political roundtable dry-humpers, so back off! Anyway, because Gray Davis (the Governor mentioned above, keep up!) is leaving his office, a record number of G-men wannabees have thrown their proverbial hats into the "Official Gold Rush State" gubernatorial ring. Among these State Chief would-be's are the aforementioned Arnold Schwarzenegger, the always admirable (but rarely understood) paraplegic Larry Flint, and the always loveable, always uber-cool, the forever man himself... Gary Coleman.
That's right, the lucky state of California now has the chance to become the hands-down-coolest State of the Union. This is the first time in my life that I think I ever truly wanted to set up roots on the West Coast! Just imagine, GOVERNOR GARY COLEMAN... Kind of makes you weak in the knees, don't it.
Now, I'm not saying that Gary Coleman is the best candidate for the office. I mean, hell, even he's saying that he'd probably end up accidentally nuking Russia if he were elected. But fuck that shit. Gary Coleman is the most rugged candidate that any state could ever hope to elect and bribe into the job. Even more rugged than Jesse Ventura. Think about it.
Now, back to my first point: Fuck Arnold Schwarzenegger! That complete sack of lying shit. The man can't even make up his mind as to what political party he's a member of (and I stress the word "member"). He says that he's Republican, but he chooses liberal points of view on a good portion of all the major issues. Plus he's fucking a Kennedy. This should make both Democrats and Republicans pissed! You honestly don't know what he's going to do! When the need to start soylent green hunting packs arises, will he support the insane in the membrane NRA, or will he go all soft and pussy-like and claim that guns make baby Jesus cry? When questions about taxes come up will he give his buddy James Cameron and all his rich as fuck neighbors millions of dollars in cuts, or will he personally put up $3billion to start a food kitchen in the crack whore neighborhood that he visits to see his crack whore every Wednesday night at 11PM? You just don't know.
But Gary Coleman on the other hand, you know exactly what he'll do on each and every issue that comes his way: The Cool Motherfucker Thing. Say for instance some Governor lacky comes up to him in his Oval Office and says, "The people want to know what you plan to do, oh gracious Governor Arnold, about the Education Budget for the upcoming fiscal year." To which Governor Gary Coleman would reply, "What the fuck are you talkin' 'bout, cocksuck! I'll beat your ass black and blue with the butt of the gun that Todd Bridges robbed that 7-11 with if you ever bring this shit up to me again! You get me, punk ass bitch?!" That's just the kind of forward thinking California needs.