Religion Talk, with Malcolm Z

(The Rossman here. Oookay. Before we start things off I feel I have to clarify a few points. Firstly, Malcolm Z has been bugging me for years now to write something for my site. Malcolm Z's a good guy at heart, but he can get a little emotional about certain topics. And when this motherfucker gets emotional about something, he gets in-fucking-sane about it. This is one of those topics that gets him in-fucking-sane, so just hold on to your hats. If you are religious, you WILL be offended. Even if you are an atheist, you will STILL be offended. That's just Malcolm Z's style. And the reason I'm not even going to post Malcolm Z's e-mail address is for your safety, not his. See, if you get pissed off at him and try and send him hate mail, he won't just write another angry letter back at you. Malcolm Z's the kind of brother who will hunt you down and make you apologize. Enjoy!)

Let me just start off by saying that people who believe shit just 'cause they're told to believe it piss me the fuck off. "Yeah, this two thousand year old book written 40 years after the death of the guy that it's about, and translated all willy nilly over the course of the millennia by drunk monks and blind followers, says that you're going to hell for touching yourself." What the goddamn fuck, man?! Seriously, anybody who believes something without any goddamn proof is a lunatic. Now, bitches, for me to prove my point.

Yeah, I know that shit in the Bible about Jebus telling that doubting man, Tommy, things like, "Yeah, fucker. NOW you believe, now that you can touch my motherfucker wounds and shit... But blessed be all those assholes years from now who don't see my fucked up hands and feet and yet STILL believe." But you know what, that shit is just like the ultimate fucking copout. Seriously, that's the only way all them preacher men can get you to fill up they's goddamn money baskets.

Think about it this way, if the preacher got up in front of you every Sunday and said, "And the Lord, whom only 12 outcast and drunk fishermen claimed rose from the dead three days after being stapled to a tree, said worship my ghostly ass and ye shall be saved," how many fuckers would actually be representing with the Benjamins? I'd be like, "Yo, Mr. Preacher... So this nice guy who lived 2,000 years ago was axed like a madman by them Romans, 'ight? That sucks and all, but like what proof does anybody have that he was really God and like able to rise from the deadness?" And that preacher would only be able to say, "It's in faith that we know this. Jebus said that we should believe." And I'd be all like, "So, we know that he rose from the dead and was really like God because?......." And preacher-man is all like upset now and like, "Yo, bitch, this old book that was made up of nothing but parables and stories of talking snakes and giant boats with shitloads of animals on it says that he did! You get me?! It's FAITH!" And I'd be all like, "FAITH IN WHAT? You priestly cunt!!! Faith in stories written by a superstitious people who only originally used those stories two thousand years ago in order to get more peeps the world over to donate to their cause?! Talk to the motherfucker hand, bitch."

You understand where's I's coming from, 'ight?

See, my gripin' ain't about religion, yo. Go be religious, fool. If it does it for you that's great. Mozoltov! I'm just sayin' that it pisses me off when people only claim that the main reason that they's all religious is 'cause they have FAITH in fanciful stories written a looooong time ago by people who thought the Earth was flat and that magic and dragons ruled the world with vampires after dark. Let's look at Christianity. Yeah, a preachin' dude named Jesus existed. There are other documented things in the world that show us he did. Was he crucified? Yup. Many historical writings say 'yup'. Did he raise himself from the dead? The Bible says 'yup'.... Ummmm, who can also confirm this little Biblical 'fact'? Well, all of Jebus' remaining apostles and his woman, Mary Magdalene, saw the homie after he was killed like a bitch.... But then he rose into Heaven, body and all, says the Bible. So, ummmm, that's why there's no proof. But who needs proof, we gots the FAITH.

We also have faith that a fine young thing like Jebus' mother didn't have no body-slappin' before her baby was born. I can see it now. Mary goes to her fiance, Joseph, and breaks the news to him. "Umm, Joey-dear? I, uh, have somethin' to tell you... See, Um, I'm pregnant." He'd be all like, "Holy fuck, bitch!! What the shit?!" But she'd jump right back with, "Don't freak out, Joe, it ummmm, it wasn't Cletus next door. I swear, honey! It was... It was GOD! I wouldn't lie to you, baby. God knocked me up. You can't get all mad at God now, can you, dear?" Joseph'd be all like, "Goddammit! Why'd he have to tag MY woman?! Why not that slut, Martha, over on Main and 23rd? She's a tart!"

I'm not sayin' that God didn't plant his divine seed in Mary, all's I'm sayin' is to think about this shit for a bit. I know, I know, you was raised on the stories of Christmas and Easter. You were made to believe it from when you was a little kid. It was kinda shoved down all your throats. That's okay. That's fine. Just think about what you fuckin' believe in every once in a while, ya know? With yo rational adult mind, think your whole FAITH through. If the only reason you believe something is because you were told to believe it, then, how 'bout this: There was once a man named Bongo who wished he had a son. True story. Bongo told God that he wanted a son, but he was a lame cracker who'd never ever get any poon tang of his own cause he was a poor and ugly bastard. So God miraculously made him a son by using some paperclips and a Motorola cell phone. Trust me, that boy wasn't that Johnson kid that disappeared from they's house a week before, this was God's child, G. And after being told all his life that he was God's child, Bongo's boy started preachin' about good shit and love and all that jazz, but then he was killed by some wanker in a drive-by. But, never fear, honkeys, cause Bongo's boy came back to life! It's true! His father said so! He came back and Bongo saw him and passed on the word. But don't go lookin' for Bongo's son anywhere, cause I heard that the little fucker just rose up into Heaven. His bullet-ridden body wasn't the one that the police found in that burned up Cadillac trunk down on Jackson Street. That must have been that missing Johnson kid or something. This is the truth, motherfucker! I heard it straight from some guy who fucked some chick who knew Bongo hisself! Bongo's boy is Jebus reborn!! Halle-fuckin-lujah!!!

You fuckin' see what I'm tellin' you now, ho? Feel free to question yo faith. That what it's there for. If you is so damn afraid to even THINK about questioning yo FAITH, then you don't deserve yo FAITH in the first place. If you think that you'll lose your ENTIRE FAITH just by wondering, "Hmmmm, did Jebus really raise from the dead?"... Well, then your FAITH was pretty fucking weak to start with. And THAT'S just pathetic.

Speaking of questioning yo faith, all you Mormons out there are soooooo fucked up. Seriously. Talk about blind faith, yo faith is RETARDED faith. It was already PROVEN to be sheep shit from the very beginning. Okay, so the founder of yo faith claims the big G hisself told him where to find some gold plates with new scriptures on them... I'm with you. God then makes this dude put them in a hat and only allows him to translate them (with God's help, of course) with his head in the fuckin' hat... Freaky, but why not. I kin dig it. The translations say that the Indians were once white and that Jesus came to visit them after dying in the Holy Land.... Riiiiiiiight. Whatever. Then a bunch of other fucked up shit, and finally this dude gets some rich guy to print his new Bible for him by 'reading' the gold plates in the pitch black hat in front of him (but not letting the rich cracker see them).. You know, I still might buy it at this point, but then the printer guy tells his wife this whole weird story and she's all like, "Um, honey, that sounds retardedly gay. Here, let me hide the translations that you just wrote down, and you tell that freaky Mormon guy that you's done lost it. Then have him 'retranslate' the whole thang. If his new translation is exactly the same as the old one, we'll know that God was truly talkin' through the fool." The printer did what his bitch done told him too, and that got the Mormon guy very pissed off. He was ready to pop a cap and wild shit like that, but he then 'talked' to God (they swear it wasn't peyote) again, and God told the guy that he was upset that the first translation was lost. So as punishment they could never translate that gospel again... Instead he'd let him translate from another gospel which was the same story as the first one, just told a little bit different.

So, unless you is the most brain-dead donkey fucker on the whole planet, you fuckin' realize that the Founder of Mormonhood WAS NOTHING BUT B.S. AND BOGUSOSITY. Not only do none of the Native American tribes who supposedly MET Jebus have any mention of this meeting in their folklore (ummm, it was GOD... Don'tcha think they would have passed that story down?), but the founder of the Mormons (ever notice how if you just take out the second 'm' it means something else entirely?) fucking proved his own damn self that he was a fibber of the Bill Clinton calibre! And yet you STILL believe in it. That's not FAITH, that's RETARDATION. Plus, Jebus and God never said that drinking and gambling was bad. Hell, Jebus drank wine all the time, faggots. He even supposedly turned water INTO wine! Remember that little trick? And what's with the no gambling, no porn and no FUN? That's fucked. Seriously, do you think God gave you this green and boobiliscious world only to tempt yo Mormon ass with the unattainable? Shit no! He gave us women and gamblin' and Hollywood movies in order to enjoy the shit out of them. Just don't go crazy and all and do nothin' but fuck, drink and gamble. But that's just common sense that even small chillun can understand. And why do all you Mormons gots to be so goddamn pushy all the time? Shoving yo beliefs in others' faces, and spitting fire and brimstone ain't the best way to get yo point across.

Speaking of shoving shit in people's faces, let me talk some about all them Missionaries the world over. Now, I'm not talking about the nice people who just work in the gutters of the world's shittiest cities to give medicine and food and clothing and stuff to the poor peeps. No, I'm talking about those who think they have to CONVERT the heathens of the world to their ONE TRUE RELIGION. First of all, are you really so self-absorbed that you truly be thinkin' that there is only ONE REAL RELIGION? Christ, that's some fucked up shit. You have got to be the same asshole who thinks that just cause my buddy, Tyrone, don't believe in the Almighty that he be goin' to Hell. Tyrone's a nice brother. He don't ever shoot nobody, and he gives his knife-cut clothes to poorer fucks than hisself all the time. But you fuckers out there who think that even though he goes and "Treats his neighbors like he's wantin' to be treated," and livin' that golden rule and all, despite that, you think he's goin' to Hell. Guess what, asshole, I can guarantee your square white ass that he'll be inside them Pearly Gates partyin' with Martin Luther King Jr. and Hank Aaron and their posses long before yo sorry ass even understands that all that fire and all those demons and shit around you ain't God's neighborhood.

Before you go trottin' off to Zimbabwe or Russia or China like the intolerant shitfolk that you is, think about this: What would your pathetic white ass do if one of them Chinese little dudes came over here and started tellin' you that the only way to be 'saved' was through their one, true religion? You'd kick them in the nuts, wouldn't you? I know I would. I know I DO, every time some uppity fucker comes up and is like, "Yo, brotha. You ain't gonna get past the pearly velvet rope if you don't join our cult, errrr, I mean Religion. It's the ooooooonly way into God's pad, man." I go, "Yeah, bitch, I think I can sneak in with THIS!" and then I kick 'em in the nuts. That shuts them up. Think about that the next time you's all like "Hey, I think I'll go and piss off some non-believers today." We go for your happy-sack.

And ooooooh my God! Do not let me forget the Muslims and the Jews. Motherfucker! ANY religion that is intolerant of ANY OTHER religion (especially when they's both worship the same damn God) is just blowin' smoke up their deity's ass. Seriously, you Muslims and Jews out there, I don't know who the fuck started that shit, but I'll fuckin' end it RIGHT NOW! Stop the hurtin', start the lovin'. And you Hamas mo' fo's, do you seriously think that the Creator wants you to talk yo followers into becomin' suicide bombin' machines? What religion in its right mind allows peeps to use its name to talk people into blowin' themselves up in order to kill a bunch of innocent bastards and bitches. That's just ganja-smokin' wrongo. There just ain't no way to justify that shit.

And as for you Jews out there, well, I just gots ta say that you guys have one of the angriest mo' fo' Gods that I've ever seen! Damn! Seriously, after all that shit that Moses did for Him (freein' his peeps from slavery like an ancient Abraham Lincoln, marchin' them across the damn dessert for years on end, and walkin' them all the way to the Holy Land), and just because HE HIT A ROCK TWO GODDAMN TIMES with his staff instead of just once, he wasn't allowed into the Promised Land. That is the shittiest deal if I ever heard of one! I mean, most of the fucks following him were worshipping gold cows and shit, when Moses was up on that mountain talkin' to their God almost face to fuckin' face! And yet THEY still got to make it to the Holy Land. That's just wrong, man. God must have just had PMS that day or somethin'. Word.

And Hindus... Is your God really a fucking elephant with 6 arms? You guys have the fucking nuclear bomb, and you still believe that shit? You know, believing there's a giant, old man in the sky is a lot easier on the imagination than putting all yo faith into a dancing pachyderm. And what the hell is up with your caste system?! You seriously believe that all the millions of poor fucks in the gutter are there because they did naughty things in a past life? Cause, man, from the ghetto that I was born in, that must have made me a fuckin' serial cow killer in my past life. That was some stinky gutter shit my momma raised me in. But you know what completely shoots your beliefs to shit, the fact that people in other countries can be born in filthy crap-filled apartments with not even any Benjamins for a new pair of shoes when they wear their old ones out, and they have to eat the stuff out of the dumpster behind the Micky Dees just to keep from starvin' to death... These people can raise themselves PAST the shit hand that they were initially given and become rich, bitch! They can go on to be doctors, porn stars, and big time drug dealers! If your caste system was correct, they wouldn't be allowed to leave their dished out punishment of dirty street livin'. Ain't that right?

And seriously, why the hell would a God not want his followers to eat a fuckin' cow? Eatin' cows is what got our brains so large and smart enough to start believing in a God in the first place! Is the Hindu God just afraid that more protein will make for smarter Hindus, and lead to larger head-dots, which would lead to the need for larger Gods? Who the fuck knows? I think I'm goin' out for a motherfucker burger after I's done with this damn article though.

Oh ho HO! Scientology time, motherfuckers! All you Hollywood (fucktarded) big shots out there who believe in this... You do realize that it was started by some loser, science fiction writer who worshipped Sigmund Freud's warped world of the penis, right? Cause it was. Of all the major religions out there, I think those in the Scientology camp need to take the biggest view of themselves and question just what the FUCK it is that they believe. Seriously, fools, I just skimmed through your own homepage and it looked like a nine year-old child put your faith together with a bunch of Mad Libs. Heh heh, you fuckers make me laugh, but as long as you keep Travolta from making a Battlefield Earth 2, I'm down with you.

You know what, fuck this shit. I think my point has been made countless fuckin' times already. But, for all you crack-babies who have the attention span of Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon, I'll spell it out for you once again. Every religion out there believes some shit that is just pretty fuckin' high-larious. And most of their followers are brain damaged rhino cocks who blindly believe every last piece of religiously symbolized bullhonky without thinking about what they're really devoting their lives to for one second. That pisses Malcolm Z off. All's I'm saying is to believe what the fuck you want's to believe, but fuckin' question the shit that DON'T MAKE NO GODDAMN SENSE. If you think it's kinda weird that a book of ancient stories (and YES, motherfucker, that's all the Bible really is... It's just a bunch of good stories with great morals that give peeps a good roadmap to travel through life with) tells you that the first man was made of clay and his bitch was made from his rib... Go to yo local library, fool, and fuckin' pick up a goddamn book on EVOLUTION. This is a scientific world we fuckin' live in (by God's design, or by universal miracle, whatever), use your scientific brain to think for yourself. Don't let no greedy, preachy, condemning pastor-man tell you the way shit is. Think for your OWN self.

Let me put this to you this way: Do you think God wants you to BE A FUCKING SHEEP YOUR WHOLE FUCKIN' LIFE AND ONLY BELIEVE OR DO WHAT OTHERS TELL YOU TO BELIEVE OR DO? Or do you think God wants you to THINK FOR YOURSELF, ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT THE CONFUSING THINGS IN LIFE YOU MIGHT ENCOUNTER, AND NOT BE A MORON? I think that shit is pretty crystal clear.

The bottom line of any religion, my brothers and sisters, is that as long as you is good to yoselves and yo neighbors, an' you don't kill no pimps or whores or nothin', and you don't talk back to your momma or daddy, then you'll make it. That's all they is. And for you Atheists out there who rag on all religion no matter what the fuck it is, well, FUCK YOU. You know, if everybody acted like how most religions want them to act (like with all the love for yo fellow man, no rapin', killin' or stealin'), this world would be pretty damn near perfect. All I'd need then would just be a secret ho house or sometin' to keep my pipes clean. Kin you dig it?

Notes from the Guest Editor:
Hey, the Rossman here. Whoa! Malcolm Z really had a lot on his mind. Though, due to all the flame mail I've been getting I think this might be the last time I let him write anything (not that I really give a shit about hate mail, but I think it was a mistake letting the big guy find out about it all... He's been in his room crying since I showed him a letter from a lobotomized reject from planet Protestant who apparently thought that Malcolm Z's advice to "think for himself" was too revolutionary for the world that we live in... That hate mail even used the "b" word in reference to Malcolm Z's momma. Yeah, that's a great enlightened attitude). So, enjoy this one for all it's worth. Peace, I'm out of here!

Go Back to the Main Examiner Page