The Makings of an Uber-Week

Lately, I have found that I pretty much LIVE for Uber-Weeks. Christmas has become petty and annoying, and I always give more than I get. Birthdays nowadays just suck a big hairy wanker. The gifts mostly stink and I get older. Nothing good there. Nope, Uber-Weeks are really my only fun, annual, outlets of wicked awesomeness.

What IS an Uber-Week, you ask? It's basically a four or five day vacation where all one does is eat pizza and junk food, and drink lots of Red Bull in order to stay up all night, every night, while playing a console Role Playing Game from start to finish. Which, as anyone who's played one lately knows, RPGs usually last between 30 to 40 hours of actual gameplay (which is what the experts would call "a shitload of time"). Über-Weeks are basically a pig-out, nocturnal gaming marathon, and my God are they fun. But, there are rules and regulations by which you must abide. There are reasons for these rules though, as they make your experience much more enjoybidible than it would have been without them. I've been having at least one Uber-Week a year since my freshman year in college, and I've come to perfect them and turn the whole idea into an art form. You must follow my prescription for maximum sticky enjoyment.

Below I will lay out the Uber-Week rules for you, and I will also let you read part of my journal of my most recent Uber-Week (aka Uber-Week 2004, #2). Follow the rules, avoid my mistakes, and you too can relish a week of pure, unadulterated RPG insanity that you probably never thought possible. Enjoy!

(Rossman note: The photos taken on this page [well, the ones obviously taken by me] were shot at around 5AM on the fourth all-nighter, with a pair of digital binoculars... Couldn't find a real camera to save my lifeless life. The fun is in trying to figure out what I was taking pictures of. Yay!)

Day 1 - Friday - 6:40PM
Another Uber-Week begins. I got all my snack foods ready (I went to Sam's yesterday for a jumbo bag of 50 buffalo wings, some battered mushrooms, a big bag of Peanut M&Ms, two half gallons of Breyer's choc. chip cookie dough, some dark chocolate, almond-filled nuggets, Doritos, some Famous Amos, and a ton of Diet Coke... Already had the Red Bull and I just picked up the two 20" pizzas from Gumby's), got my game in hand (XenoSaga episode 1: Der Vertag Esht Sur Vida Parmesian), the phone unplugged, and my Playstation 2 and TV turned on and ready to go.

My house is clean, my computer's alive and ready to be used for game tips or some "wake-up pr0n", and I've got my comfy sweats on too. It is time to begin.


Rule #1: Set up time for your Uber-Week

I have no idea what this is... But it gives me nightmaresThis may sound simple enough, but it does require planning. Make sure you can use vacation time, or call in sick, with no major repercussions (you don't want to get into trouble or canned over something as truly pointless as this, do you?). Base your Uber-Week around a weekend too, therefore you only need 2-3 days off from school or work. My first four Uber-Weeks all took place on either Thanksgiving week (back when my school was on quarters and we had the whole damn week off), or sometime over Christmas break. This was tough on me, since both of those breaks could have been used to get some extra Benjamins at my job at BallBuster Video. But, this is the only real sacrifice I've ever truly made for the sake of an all-out, spectacular week of sloth.

Holiday weeks are still the best time for me to plan for a -W, but if you can get away with a random Thursday and Friday or a Monday and Tuesday (and, if necessary, Wednesday), you should be okay too. The double bonus of setting something like this up on or near a holiday break is two-fold (duh). First of all, your boss (or teachers) will rarely question you about your days off if you request a few days before Christmas. And secondly, the TV is usually only filled with shitty reruns, so you won't be missing much if you play on through when the newest CSI would have been on. Plus, as a bonus, all of your friends (if you actually HAVE any... Which is doubtful if you can blow 4 to 5 days by being a gaming hermit and not have anybody asking for you or wondering if you've died or anything, loser) will be busy with their "in from out of town" family and friends, and so they won't bug you to go to the strip club or play strip poker, or strip quarters with them throughout your "me time"... You don't really have any friends, do you?... God you suck. As for your OWN family through all this... Well, fuck 'em.

Day 2 - Saturday - 7:31AM
I'm about 8 hours into XenoSaga, and it's pretty good. So far, a better start than XenoGears (which the first 10 hours made me stop playing it for 3 months), and it's still got tons of untapped potential, which will hopefully be tapped by game's end. Shion's a cutey, and Kos-Mos is the hottest robo-babe since Ifurita.

My first night went rather well. I'm still awake, saw the sun rise, ate lots of wings and M&Ms, chugged lots of Red Bull... It's all good. I'm crashing soon, but I'll be fully into my nocturnal habit by the time I wake up this afternoon. First night's always the hardest.

I should be a little farther into the game at this point (found a few really good sites at about 2AM that I couldn't close right away... I, uh, needed the adrenalin boost), but whatever. That's why I have through next Wednesday afternoon off. I made sure I had TONS of time to get through this one. The original Playstation game was 50+ hours, without leveling up or doing any side questing!


Rule #2: Make your home and your playing conditions comfortable before you begin

This may sound stupid and chore-ish, but it really adds to the atmosphere and feeling of the whole -W. A clean house/apartment, and clean, comfortable clothes allow you to concentrate fully on the game without any distractions (your phone should already be unplugged and your friends and family should already be warned that you either don't like them, you are dead, or you are highly contagious for the next few days). And you don't have to go scrubbing the tub and hosing out the garage, you fucktard. Just vacuum and maybe dust a bit. Oh, and clean up the bathroom and especially the toilet in case you overdo Rule #4 your first time out. Everybody always overdoes Rule #4 their first time out.

I don't know, you tell meDay 2 - Saturday - 7:55AM
Oh shit! Oh SHIT!! Just got done talking to Taylorspank007 online. He usually finishes Japanese RPGs at the same rate that I do. 007 tells me that where I am right now is only about 1/8th of the way through the Xeno-fucker. I am in deep tegucigalpa. Now that I know, do I just play until the Uber-Week is done and see how far I get?... No, can't do that... The point is to play to completion a storyline in a game. If I KNOW I can't do that, I'll either have to cancel the week, or get a shorter game... I still have time to beat a full 40 hour game... Just have to find one that I know I'll like... Put all my eggs in one basket in just looking up reviews on Xeno. Don't know of any other good shit out there. Damn! Too tired. I'll think about it after some sleep. Shit on a stick!!!



Rule #3: Research and buy a good game

This isn't a chore. If you're any kind of gamer you should already have in mind the next big game you'd like to play. Now just remember, the point of an -W is to complete something... To accomplish a mindblowingly grand task... To begin and end a storyline of epic proportions. RPGs are perfect for this, but a good action/adventure game (think Zelda) would fit the bill as well. Sure, playing something like HALO 2 for four to five days can be fun, but it's not very rewarding. And don't tell me that HALO 2 has a "story mode," we both know that's a lie.

So, you go online to all of your fave game sites and see what the pro and amateur reviewers have to say about the games you're interested in. The amateur ones usually see things closer to how you do, which is a LOT more than the people who get paid to bitch about playing games. Fuck them. Try to find a "game length" posting if you can. This can come back to bite you in the ass, especially if you slack off and break Rule #5.

This seemed funnier with insomniaDay 2 - Saturday - 4:07PM
I got some sleep today, head's clearer, and I came to a conclusion that I've never had to come to before: I'm switching horses midstream. I ran out and got Square's Kingdom Hearts at Best Buy. Hell, I already spent over $130 on this week, what with food, drink and entertainment. What's another $20. Plus, it's Square. I can't remember them ever doing me wrong--- Ohhh, wait, forgot about Chrono Cross. Well, There's still a good chance KH will stand my test of judgementary and entertain and dance for me for the rest of the week, though I doubt it'll even be as long as FFIV.

Forgot to put the pizza in the fridge last night/this morning, but it's surprisingly still very edible. I can feel the honey-BBQ wing sauce already coursing through my veins... and yet I still crave more Peanut M&Ms... My jumbo bag will probably be gone by tomorrow morning. I already fear looking into the mirror.

The darkness... She comes.


Rule #4: Stock your place with junk food and caffeine

After the quality of the game, sustenance is the second most important part of the week that you need to plan for. Buy lots of junk food and soda, but no beer or alcohol. You're trying to play through a 30+ hour loooooong and twisty plot. You can't do that while blitzed off your balls. Trust me. Uber-Week 1998 was pretty much ruined that way.

During your -W you will need to constantly gorge yourself on snacks and sweets, and you will need an ever-present Coke or Red Bull by your side. At about the third night of a flipped internal body-clock, with enough artificial stimulants to explode a healthy rhino's pancreas, you should start to see and hear things. The characters in your game will probably start to talk directly to you, and your sofa may start enticing you into resting your sagging head on its big, soft, cushy pillows, that may look like supple breasts by this point. That's when you know it's time for another shot of Jolt cola and a pr0n break (see Rule #6).

Day 2 - Saturday - 9:20PM
Not bad. Kingdom Hearts is actually pretty fun. I am a Dizney whore though, so any game with D movie characters interacting with Final Fantasy characters would automatically hook me and make me its bitch (Yeah, that's probably a contradiction as to what I originally said three years ago when I first ran across that KH preview at E3, but below me. Go ahead, beLOW me). So far there appears to be tons of Dizney worlds, but no real FF worlds, and it only has characters from FF 7, 8, and 10. I would suck Square's little Japanese dick if they let Tina, Lock, Celes, Shadow and Ronald McDonald make appearances!

The set up is strange, all those Dizney worlds are separate, but now (due to some Heartless [i.e. the bad guys of the game] shenanigans) connected, requiring you, the key-blade master, to lock each world's heart the fuck up before those Heartless shadow, whorey things can get to them. Decent action that plays more like the newer Zelda games than a traditional RPG, but I'm down with that. If only the camera didn't SUCK so bad. I mean, it makes a blow job done by a german shepherd (thanks to peanut butter) look good. No, scratch that. Note to self -- Don't write that on the site. That's fucked up.

Riku or Kairi (or both) will be the final boss. Mark my sleep-deprived words. Them or Sephiroth.


Rule #5: Sleep all day, play all night

Sunset?  Sunrise?  If you do your Uber-Week right, you won't know OR care.Well, not ALL day. But the point of this exercise IS to play all night. You know, flip your internal clock on its gay little "stay awake when the sun's out" head. -W's are designed to make you experience something different. Don't go nighty night like a pathetic pussy pansy penis plucker at midnight, or even 3 or 5. You MUST AT LEAST see the sun rise every morning. But don't get lazy at this point and sleep from 8AM to 8PM... Once again, you can sleep 12 hours in a row ANY weekend you want... Unless you've got kids, but then I don't think you'd have the time to pull an Uber-Week out of your ass if you had spored offspring. Well, unless you got kids but were lucky enough to NOT get them in the divorce after your trampy wife left you because of your continued tradition of putting together Uber-Weeks despite the fact that you had kids... But that's a gimme.

The first night is usually the hardest to get through, even with plenty of caffeine. This is because you've probably been up since 6 or 7 on the morning you started. Staying up 24+ hours in a row after a beatdown at the office or at school is always tough, but hang in there. It gets easier, but not by much. Remember, I said "no oversleeping" during a -W. Try to only get 4-5 hours max of shut-eye per day. Trust me, it may be tough (especially after your first 24 hours awake), but the euphoric feeling you get from doing this will only heighten your experience. And it's a legal "euphoric heightening" too. And this is different from being drunk, as you'll still be able to play the RPG well, and read/understand the complex plot that is sure to spill out of the TV and all into your puffy-eyed head. With booze you just end up drunk, giggly and stupid... At least I do. If you're an angry-drunk you'll just beat the shit out of your PS2 and pee on the disc... At least Carl does. Neither is good.

Day 3 - Sunday - 3:45AM
Goddammit! Goddammit!!!!!!! Fuck you, Wonderland! Fuck you, Queen of Hearts!! Fuck you, you goddamn Chesire fucking, ball stroking, fellatio spitting, Cat!! Fuck you all! That was the gayest ass fuck world I've ever played through ever! No directions were given by the game itself or any of the faggy characters I met as to what the fuck I had to do next, so I just wandered about the same three rooms over and over and over and over and over again and again, till I finally stumbled upon that shit on my own! I am seriously giving major consideration into looking up a walkthrough online if things are going to continue this way. Goddammit! Some of the doors in the forest treetops didn't even look like fucking doors! I must have walked past them two dozen times wondering if I had gone just as mental as that March Fucking Hare!

He was a total oneWhatever... Whatever... I'm past that now. I'm even past Herc's Coliseum. Fucking goat-guy. I am too a true fucking hero, what the fuck do you know. I just kicked Cloud's sulking ass! I know what a true hero is, pig penis-breath.

The one thing I am VERY impressed with so far is how many of the actual voices from the movies are used in this game! James fucking Woods reprises his Hades role... For a little video game!... Wow!

Time to be serious here for a moment: WHAT THE SHIT TITS IS UP WITH THOSE REALLY LAME GUMMI SHIP SEQUENCES?! First of all, gay. Second of all, really fucking easy. Third of all, not connected to ANYTHING Dizney or FF. Fourth of all, what the hell? If they wanted to fit something "Gummi" in the game, why not just make a "Gummi Bears World"? Oh shit! They're not going to make a Gummi Bears World, are they?... Dammit! That would have been awesome! Zummi, and Tummi, and Gruffi, and Stuffi, and Muffi... Oh, and King Ikthorn and his stupid trolls... Shit, we'll probably get a really gay Snow White World instead.

Oh double shit! If the worlds only pertain to Dizney movies, that means no Gargoyles World either! MOTHERFUCKER!!!


Rule #6: Take breaks

No way around it, you will need breaks in your night in order to make it the whole way through. Take every opportunity to stuff your fat face with food and drink (Hey, why not? It's only once a year). And, if you need to, feel free to look up a little online pr0n to keep your mind fresh and to get your blood pumping to other parts of your body. Just don't get too caught up in what you find online. The goal of the week is not a whack-off contest, it's to finish a video game. Always keep that in mind.

You may also watch a little TV if you'd like. But nothing more than half-hour increments. You don't want to get too involved in the old boob tube... Speaking of boobs, go check out some more web sites. Thaaaaaat's a good, horny boy.

Day 3 - Sunday - 8:40AM
Tarzan World? Seriously? Are they waiting for the Aladdin, Mermaid, Beast and Lion King Worlds until the end? God, and if they put in a Tarzan World they had better put in an Atlantis World too. Best fucking Dizney movie ever, beeyatch. Leonard Fucking Nimoy rulz.

It seemed to me that they tried a little too hard to get you to do things "from the movie" in this jungle world. The vine swinging and the log-surfing parts were a little too easy and made you go "eh, whatever the shitty fuck fuck... When do I fight more monkeys?!" But then the boss was, what, that pissy hunter on a gay lizard? At least some of the voices in the "Villains' Party" afterwards sounded promising. Ursula, Jafar, Captain Hook, and Maleficent, if my ears don't deceive me. Promising, though a Sleeping Beauty World sounds kinda lame.

Well, I made it through night number two all right, and I have 10 hours of gameplay under my belt. Not bad. This game seems longer than I originally thought it'd be. Only three real Dizney Worlds in that time. Makes me wonder if I will have enough Uber-Week to make it till the end, even with three full nights left to go.

Hmmm... I'm hearing things now... Sounds like Karen's voice calling to me, saying shit like, "Rossman, open the doooooor... The fucking doooooooor...." But I think that I've just experienced too many door openings in the game to think clearly. Funny, but it's amazing how even with 4 Red Bulls in my system I'm willing and able to collapse at a moment's notice. Goodnight.


Go to the 2nd Page of UBER MADNESS. Your boss isn't looking.