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GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL ANIME

As far as I can tell this genre is fairly recent.... And annoying. Whereas most anime is made to sell books, UFO catcher dolls, porn, plastic eraser heads, video games and action figures (you know, fun, useful stuff); Gotta Catch 'Em All shows are all about selling 10,000 different versions of the same basic, cutesy, battle monster plushie.... Or retarded battle-trading cards.... Or 50 different versions of the same gay video game where the only distinction between them all is the color of the cartridge. Honestly, things like Pokemon, Digimon, Fuckyourmom and Yugiyoh (I don't give a shit about their spellings) are ingenious! The way that the creators can actually get little kids to fork over all their hard earned cash on trading cards (of which, in a pack of ten at least 4 are the same card, and 5 are in every other pack ever released, leaving just one new card which is probably the faggiest little battling monster ever drawn, which kids would rather have their pre-pube nutsacks ripped off by a rabid pitbull than add to their collection... Seriously, Billy is sooooo gonna make fun of their sorry ass in homeroom the next day if that's the only new card they got) is awe inspiring. They sell more of those lame cards than Johnny Heideman sold of his "My Sister In The Shower" self-made trading card collection in the 8th grade. And you can't even whack off to little electric rats with an attack level of 9... Well, you could, I guess, but you also like to draw animals in human form having sex, so you're pretty low on the evolutionary scale anyway.

The basic plot of most Gotta Catch 'Em All shows is the main character (a spunky kid... and yes, he must be spunky!) is infatuated with a turn-based monster/robot fighting sport in his world. He sucks at using his monsters/robots to fight, but gets inspired by newly met friends/friendly rivals, and he gets lucky an assload of times before he meets the grand champion whom he barely eeks out a win over through either sheer stupidity or sheer luck. Then he moves on to the next round of competition where the challengers are even bigger asshats than before and our *ahem* hero must actually learn some more monster/robot fighting skills in order to go... all... the... way! These shows never have an ending (from what I've seen they usually just keep going and going and going on and on and on without any original storytelling abilities that would be necessary to wrap up any sort of relevant plot). It's just battle after battle after battle so that they can constantly introduce more and more really retarded-designed monsters made by people who had long ago given up their dream of being the least bit creative with their artistic talents due to living in a 6X6 box and eating noodles out of a styrofoam cup three times a day. So stop watching/buying this crap so that they can do the honorable thing and commit seppuku when the show is cancelled. Sweet release.

NINJA/SAMURAI ANIME

This one can sometimes be mixed in with the Fighting anime, but usually Ninja and Samurai anime focuses more on storyline than brawls. You know, more storyline than "Build up to ultimate fight.... Fight.... Build up to next ultimate fight... Fight..." Ninja/Samurai stuff usually still revolves around one main swordsman and his satellite groupies, but coolness is a major factor in Ninja/Samurai anime. There has to be a reeeeeally bad ass character in either the hero's camp or a total and complete bad ass in the villain's group. I'm not just talking "powerful" hero or villain (that's all the Fighting anime cares about: power), nope, Ninja/Samurai shows need a character/characters who have more coolness oozing out of them than the Fonz before he jumped over that shark in that one really retarded episode. Rurouni Kenshin has several such characters. When Kenshin turns all Battousai, he's a bad ass. Kenshin's main rival from the Shinsengumi, Saito, is a total bad mo' fo' himself. And Kenshin's old sensei is just the baddest of the cool pussy-lickin', titty-suckin' bad mothers ever drawn! That's at least three bad asses in just one show. Ninja Scroll has something like a half dozen complete bad asses, and it's only a 90 minute movie (the TV show was okay, but the coolness factor was pretty low... Guess they had all the bad assness tapped out for the movie... Wait, that just sounds wrong).

Location doesn't have all that much to do with a Ninja/Samurai show. Yeah, they can be based in olden Japan, like Samurai Champloo and Dagger of Kamui, or they can be all futuristic and sci-fi like Samurai 7. The point to a Ninja/Samurai anime is feel of the show. You'll know it when you see it. It's all cool and bad ass.

MAGICAL GIRL ANIME

Dear lord! You know what this shit is about, don't you. It's all thanks to Magical Princess Minky Momo (not to be confused with uber-artist Mikimoto) that this genre actually took off. Thanks to that little pink-haired bitch we've had to have tons of valuable animation time and effort wasted on such crap as Sailor Moon, Wedding Peach, Nurse Angel Ririka SOS, and that one really shitty Cutey Honey magical girl series. What a waste of paint and animators! For those of you out of the know (meaning fucktards who don't even know what anime is), Magical Girl anime goes something like this: A dopey girl finds out that she has the power to wave a magic wand and become a "magical girl"... Which means she gets a tiara and a new frilly dress along with a talking animal sidekick. Then she finds that she must face a new hench-villian every week on her quest to save some bullshit something or other. Usually her quest is to "make people happy" or shit out rainbows and kittens for sick kids. Stupid stuff. Anyway, the magical girl beats the monster/villian of the week THE SAME FUCKING WAY, WEEK AFTER WEEK. Then, eventually, more magical girls join her in her pursuit of love, justice and fagginess. I swear, the only good thing to come out of the whole Magical Girl genre is all the fan doujinshi that puts all the girls in each show into highly lesbianic situations. Actually, that is a pretty big good thing.

VIDEO GAME ANIME

Doesn't really exist. You may have thought you saw a Final Fantasy anime DVD at Media Play last week, but that was just a figment of your imagination. Darkstalkers, Sonic the Hedgehog and Street Fighter stuff too. Not real. I don't even know how you came to think that any kind of "dating sim" anime was ever produced. It's all in your mind. Trust me. Nothing could ever suck that bad. Nothing. Just accept it... You'll be much happier.

CYBER PUNK ANIME

Gritty, futuristic, punky and grimy. An anime must have at least 3 out of those 4 descriptions to be part of this genre. The ultimate Cyber Punk anime is of course Akira. It's set in the post WWXII future, it's got punks on bikes driving all around the grimy city, busting shit up, and the sci-fi additions make for some gritty military escapades when everything starts to get all "shit hitting the fan" out of hand. Bubblegum Crisis is another perfect example of Cyber Punk. Cyber City Oedo 808 even has "Cyber" in its name, so you know its all about the punkness too. What you have to remember about Cyber Punk anime is that it NEVER has giant robots in it. It always has to stay somewhat grounded in hard core sci-fi, and that means no giant robots. If there's a Giant Robot in a show, it's a Giant Robot anime, no matter how gritty it pretends to be, giant robots push things more to the fiction part of sci-fi. Cyber Punk stuff (if it even bothers to delve into it) is more focused on the science part of sci-fi.

Cyber Punk anime usually centers on a bunch of punky rebels who are trying to buck the system... The "system" could be an anarchistic government, a corporation, or even a family member. Doesn't matter. The system is only there to be bucked. I guess you could even categorize Infinite Ryvius as Cyber Punk. It's the ultimate way for kids to rebel... And although there is a giant mechanoid in the show, it's more of a simple "machine" than giant robot, and it doesn't even factor in to the whole plot all that much. If the show revolves around a giant robot, that's what I'm talking about as being a Giant Robot anime.... This all makes sense, trust me. I've worked it all out. Let's just move on.

ASIAN COMEDY ANIME

This is a very broad genre. It involves satire shows (like Excel Saga, Project A-ko and Abenobashi), romantic comedies (like Maison Ikkoku and Tenshi ni Narumon) and just some really kooky shit (like Urusei Yatsura, Prefectural Earth Defense Force and Dragon Half). I could probably break it down further, but when I feel like watching a comedy I could watch anything as long as it's funny. That's my reasoning for the clumping. The point of Comedy anime is that it is supposed to make you laugh. Now, pretty much every series and movie ever made has at least one funny moment in it (except for Grave of the Fireflies, which if you laughed at ANY part of it you will burn in hell forever!!), but what sets the actual Comedy anime apart is that the situations in them are constantly begging to be laughed at. Jokes or comical situations are the mainstay, and seriousness takes a back seat. See, you could have a High School Drama show where the main girl character is constantly picked on and depressed, but every once in a while her friend will say something to make her (and we the viewers) crack a smile, but soon it's right back to her buying the razor blades needed to escape the hell that her life has become. Whereas a Comedy show would have the main character (let's say Sana, from Kodocha) do a little song and dance on her desk before going spastic on Hayama for teasing a classmate, and then the scene would end with either a pratfall or Sana squirting her tormentor in the face with ink and having the whole class make "Goo!" faces. Comedy anime constantly makes you laugh. It's not a factor of 3 laughs per 1/2 hour episode... I know this is mainly common sense, but trust me, there are some morons out there who need this stuff clarified. They have issues... Deep issues, and they tend to take them out of poor little old webmasters like me who over look an explanation as to why Saikano isn't considered to be a Comedy by me. Yes, you know who you are, fuckers. I'm flicking you off as hard as I can right now too. Bastards.

Comedy is so broad that it usually infiltrates other genres as well. It's rare when you get a "nothing but Comedy" show... Honestly, those shows kind of lose their appeal rather quickly. When there's no plot and no point other than to make you laugh you lose interest in it. Take Excel Saga, PLEASE. Hah HAH!.... Yeah. Anyway, Excel doesn't really have a plot. There's is absolutely no drama to it (until the very end, and it's written off like it meant nothing before the credits roll anyway). The most I can take of Excel is 2 episodes at a time. You need some sort of an anchor in a series in order to not make you say "why the hell am I watching this?" You need plot, good characters, and situations that move things along. That's why there's Romantic Comedy, Sci-Fi Comedy, Fantasy Comedy, High School Comedy, Action Comedy, etc. If you don't care about the protagonist or his/her situation, you won't care to laugh at or with them when the funny does arise. That's at least my take on it, and I am GOD here. I don't think I can make my point any clearer.

HIGH ADVENTURE ANIME

This is what a bunch of the classics fall into. Nadia, Nausicaa, Porco Rosso, Laputa... Well, pretty much all Miyazaki stuff is High Adventure anime. Anything with a sweeping plot that usually revolves around kids saving the world by traveling all around it and meeting new friends/allies is High Adventure. Slayers and its many sequels can count as High Adventure. Yes, it's a comedy and it's a fantasy show, but Lina and her crew do indeed travel the world on important world-saving quests. Fullmetal Alchemist and Last Exile most definitely qualifiy as High Adventure too. Do I really have to get into this one anymore? Kids... On a journey.... Questing to save the world.... Pretty self explanatory.

SECRET WORLD ORGANIZATION VERSUS INVADERS ANIME

We never really have to fear when and if aliens or demons ever do attack the Earth because unknown to most civilians there are tons of secret, clandestine, hush-hush organizations out there with a trained staff and usually buttloads of undercover cash at their disposal ready to defend us from danger. They are known to keep us peons safe with Giant Robots from time to time, but that's not a requirement. The Blue Seed crew proves that point, which is why this isn't just shoved into the Giant Robot genre. Though RahXephon, Argentosoma and Evangelion pretty much show us that having giant robot-like beings, stolen from the enemy themselves and used to fight their creators, are usually the best offense.

The organizations in question don't even have to be all that secretive either. As long as there are secrets being kept within them they still qualify. So the Ghost in the Shell crew and their fight against invading laughing men hackers kind of counts here. So does Giant Robo with the Experts of Justice fighting against Big Fire. Robo's power source is a pretty damn big secret from the public, huh? Gatekeepers, Gunparade March and Witch Hunter Robin definitely qualify too. The plot of most Secret Organization anime is that some new person is just recruited into the org and becomes the viewers' eyes and ears as we get to know the ins and outs along with him. This newbie often turns out to be the best warrior, or the secret weapon (the one and only weapon that can stop the invasion), which leads to lots of drama as older members of the org get their panties all in a bunch, and the hero either doesn't want to be the main bad ass, or he/she has major doubts about his/her abilities. Chrno Crusade is also a tasty addition to this category. And it's got hot warrior nuns too. Can't beat that with a ruler on the knuckles.... Sorry. That was lame, I know. Bad Rossman! Bad!

SPACE OPERA ANIME

Hot and heavy emotions in space. Love triangles, war, betrayals, death, destruction, dismay, hatred and biiiiiiiiiig spaceships... That's what the Space Opera is all about. Legend of Galactic Heroes, Yamato, Crest of the Stars and Macross all personify the idea of this category. Sometimes there's giant robots, but it's not necessary. Sometimes there's a singing diva, but once again, that's just a bonus to the genre, not a rule. The main point is that there is a war a brewing (could be between mankind and aliens, or human versus human, doesn't matter), tensions are high, people are dying, and survival is the basic plot. Space Opera anime is kind of the most well rounded genre out there. There's plenty of action, great human drama, maybe some romance, and lots of havoc. We usually follow one lowly soldier as he rises through the ranks to become the greatest warrior on his side of the conflict. Though, that doesn't mean he can't die by the end of the series. That's what I'm talking about by high emotions. Arrrrrrrrrrrrr.

CAPER OF THE WEEK ANIME

Unlike most anime out there, every once in a while a series will come out where there isn't a grand plot running through the whole season. Each episode doesn't lead into the next one to tell a much larger story over the course of 26 episodes. These are the Caper of the Week series. And they can be very good. As an example, Kino's Journey, Cowboy Bebop, Lupin III, Urusei Yatsura, Hell Girl, Mushi-Shi and Detective Conan fall into this category. In these shows the status quo IS our friend. These series are kind of like the Simpsons, no matter what the fuck happened in the previous episode, everything is back to normal come the beginning of the next. Well, Cowboy isn't completely like that, but each episode is kind of its own little world. You know what I'm talking about, quit busting my balls.

IDOL SINGER ANIME

Lordy lordy lordy. Idol singers still make me wonder about the Japanese people. Though, I guess with trash like Britney, Christina and Jessica over here I can't really say much. Anyway, Idol Singer anime is quite interesting when you think about it. Shows like Macross (yes, it's a split genre, blow me), Idol Project and Fancy La La make it seem like being an idol singer is the GREATEST thing a little girl could ever do with her otherwise wasted life. Idol Singer series can fall into any number of other categories, but the fact that they revolve around a teenage girl singing her heart out to either save the world or simply fulfill her own personal dream of "making it"... well, that's what it's all about.

There are a couple of Idol anime that go against this idea and still qualify as shows in the genre. Perfect Blue and Black Heaven are great examples of Anti-Idol anime that are still really Idol anime. PB is all about a girl trying to break free from her Idol image, and Black Heaven: Hard Rock Saves Space is all about a mid-thirties salary man who used to be in a rock band who's called back into duty by a group of space-faring humans who need his guitar work to save the galaxy. And it is awesome! But, the fact that Black Heaven is about an older man doesn't mean it ain't Idol material. Being an Idol in anime is all about soul and the will to use your musical talents to serve a greater purpose. Rock on, salary man. Rock on.

NEED YOUR OWN PERSONAL SHRINK WHILE WATCHING ANIME

Basically known as Gainax anime. The first appearance of such anime was with the perennial favorite Aim For The Top - Gunbuster... Not because it was fucked up or anything, but because you needed a shrink to talk about your overflowing mixed feelings of sadness and joy following the end of such a beautifully written and directed show. *Sniff*

Then, Gainax started going mental, and for the most part it was good, but mind altering. Trying to figure out Evangelion's last two TV episodes caused many a fanboy to crap his pants out of frustration. Then the Eva movies came out and basically spit in the faces of everyone who saw them... Was that on purpose? Was that its purpose? What is MY purpose?..... See, I need a shrink now and I'm just writing about these shows. Since Eva we've been subjected to FLCL, This Ugly and Beautiful World, the last episode of Mahoromatic, and then The Melody of Oblivion... It seems that Gainax has stopped simply wanting to entertain their audience, and now they're not satisfied unless they ROYALLY FUCK UP their audience's minds by the end of their productions. You can debate all you want as to how much their stuff now makes any kind of sense, but it's pointless. The folks at Gainax obviously don't give a shit, so why should you? Hmmmm, Mamoru Oshii's stuff (from Angel's Egg to Patlabor 2 to Ghost in the Shell) also qualifies as Shrink anime, so be careful)

And Finally HENTAI ANIME

This is probably the broadest genre ever made, not just in labeling anime, but like the largest genre EVER. Hentai is basically animated pornography, but the Japanese have raised this artform to a whole new level. For example, let me just write one word: Tentacles. More than likely you did NOT just think of an octopus or a squid... Or if you did you thought of an octopus having sex with a woman. That is the power of Hentai. It has made the appendage of a slimy sea creature the most identifiable aspect of the entire genre. Besides Tentacle Hentai there are tons more twisted types of this pr0n that will make you shake your head at in disgust or quickly log in to Amazon.com to see if you can order any pronto. There's Bondage Hentai, Incest Hentai, Lolita Hentai, Foot Fetish Hentai, Pregnant Hentai, Famous Character Fan Made Hentai, Gang Bang Hentai, Shonen Hentai, Yaoi Hentai (stay the fuck away from this one... trust me), Demon Lover Hentai, Rape Hentai, Bestiality Hentai, Spirit Fucking Hentai, Guro Hentai, Chicks With DIcks Hentai, Furry Hentai, Magical Girl Hentai and Lesbian Hentai... Quite honestly I can't even think of any Guy on Gal Consensual Hentai. How odd.

Hentai is just like American pr0n, but with more freedom since there are no physical or monetary constraints on the production. If you want to have two characters doing the nasty in the middle of a rush hour train commute, you can draw it as perverted as you like. Try to do that with live action and the cops would be there within minutes. Can't find any demons with 4 foot long cocks in real life to fuck the shit out of a virginal sacrifice? Well then, just animate it! Don't want to take the time organizing and directing 200 naked women as to when they should all climax thanks to one giant, 200 tentacled monster? Just paint the whole thing, and don't forget to buy lots of "white" paint for all the tentacle spooge... You know there'll be lots. And just think about how much will be saved on dry cleaning and hair care products alone! Plus a single actress can moan and scream for three or four rape victims in one Stuck In A Locked Up School With A Serial Rapist On The Loose Hentai series. Now that's good accounting!

So What did We Learn Today?

Hopefully you learned that the Japanese and their anime are all really kind of fucked up. But so are we Westerners in their eyes. Seriously, we don't normally have fantasies about fucking our sisters and mothers and we don't shit while squatting over a hole in the floor... They must think we're mongoloids.

Other than that, I hope you learned to categorize pointless stuff like Anime and Manga into long categorical lists, simply because God is a vengeful being who would be very pissed off if you didn't use your giant, wrinkly brain for something worthwhile during your pathetically short stay on this mudball we call Earth. Well, that's it, now feel free to go check out AnimeTitties.com and try to find as many different Hentai categories as you can! That's your homework for tonight.

(Oh, and the reason why there is no regular Sci-fi anime genre is because Sci-fi is either Cyberpunky, Space Opera-y, or filled with Giant Robots. There's no "Sci-fi" genre beyond them. And finally, people who prefer dubbed anime over subtitled anime are complete illiterate fags. Goodnight.)