07/13/2005
07/13/2005
PAGE 2: Day 2
Psycho Weasel then requested that I hula hoop while pretending to have a four foot schlong. And by "requested" I mean "demanded with a hunting rifle aimed at my head." A good old American hunting rifle made in Flint Michigan! We were so fucking patriotic that day. (You can't see the kid on the big-wheel just behind me, but trust me, by the look on his face he was completely and utterly scarred for life.) |
I can't believe the Captain isn't impressed here... We had just been talking about how fucking American and how brave we all were when I just had to whip my boys out to prove to the crew that my coconuts fucking 0wn3d them. Christ! Imagine getting tea-bagged by those suckers! |
I already had my car keys out. I was just checking to see how long Captain Rugged would keep fishing around my pocket for them. 12 minutes. 12 glorious minutes. |
"Welcome to the drive-thru. How may we serve you?" "I want two burgers and a large fries, whore." "Fuck me! You did NOT just call me that! I swear to GOD that I will SHIT all over your food!" "Oh, you assfuck! Oooooh ho ho! You obviously don't know who the fuck you're messing with, fry-boy! Have you seen my fucking melons?!" Actual conversation at the drive thru we had to stop at for the Cap's hunger pangs. Swear to God. |
"Oh fuuuuuuck... Yeah, Cap, he did. It's all runny and.... Oh, I think he had asparagus last night too... I'll just send it ba-... What? You still want it? I'm serious, bits of peanuts too." |
"Holy crap! Was that another baby?!" "Relax, Rossman, you just ran over a couple of puppies.. Oh, and yeah, and a baby." |
Vodka mellon. The reason why God gave us taste buds, summer holidays, and the ability to get drunk. |
Some pansies were complaining about the fact that all we had to eat was cow and pig flesh, so after a few drinks I thought I'd cook up a little vegetarian menu for them. Wait, what? |
Mehve wonders what that hole in the melon is for. No! Bad, Mehve! No touch! |
Good Lenin said something about my grandmother and the clap, so I had to defend her honor. Holy fuck! I am so fucking Jedi-Super cool here! I am the coolest bitch EVER! |
"Meh-heh meh-heh! Fire! FIRE!!!" "Uh huh huh huh huh.... This is gonna be cool..." |
How many drunk guys does it take to blow up a car? The answer is apparently 3. |
Gunpowder: Nature's aphrodesiac. At least that's what the Captain told me. In actuality all it does is make one want to puke in the azaleas and then hunt down the asshole who tells you that "it'll make you peppy" and shove the tube up his ass with a lit mortar in it. Did you know that human eyeballs can light up from the inside? Awesome... |
Notes from the Editor: |