Page II

Curling (Shuffleboard)
What the flying rat fuck? If it's something that I regularly do with my friends at a bar while shit-faced then it's not an Olympic sport. Man, I personally can always get the puck to hang off the edge too with every shot after a couple dozen rounds. I am the king of the fucking world!

Seriously, when I first started paying attention to the Winter Olympics and watched some women playing "shuffleboard on ice" back in 1984 (the Sarajevo games iirc) I laughed out loud at the TV. My father told me to shut up, but then he asked what was so (goddamn) funny. I then responded that I thought it was hilarious that they were "playing skeeball on the ice for a gold metal." I think I then said "I play skeeball at Showbiz Pizza all the time and all I get is tickets for some crappy toys at the gift stand." I may not have said "crappy" in front of my father, but I remember thinking it. Those "prizes" really sucked. And so does this curling activity (not a SPORT... Sports can't be played by people who eat their own weight in donuts and french fries everyday... Curling can and is).

My opinion: I don't care if it was invented in the glorious land of Scotland... So was haggis and sheep fucking, that doesn't make it right.

Figure Skating
Okay, here’s pretty much the exception to the “if I can do it, it ain’t a sport, and if I can’t, then it is” rule I set up a while ago. Yes, figure skating takes a LOT of talent and skill and training and all that shit to do, but it is WAY too gay to be an Olympic event. Yes, it’s pretty to look at an ice-ballerina sliding and twirling and jumping and flipping around like a monkey on a newly waxed floor, but it’s way too subjective. It’s not like you can just give the gold to whoever crosses a finish line first, or to whoever jumps the highest or farthest – Here you have judges (usually bought off by the Russians) who watch each spin and pirouette and give scores depending on if the ice-dancer fell down, wobbled, or stabbed a spectator in the head with a skate. This rating of the contestants (I’m trying very hard not to call these people “athletes” here) is so incredibly bogus too. Seriously, in the 2006 Torino games, the Chinese pairs team had the woman fall flat on her goddamn commie face, and they still ended up with a silver medal. The guy threw her into the air, and she landed on her knee and then her skull. And they got second. Bullshit. That’s the main reason this event cannot be considered an Olympic sport. Yes, never in a hundred years could I do what they do (I figure it’d take at least a hundred and ONE years to be able to do it), but it’s too gay, it’s too bullshittily judged, and it’s basically just dancing on ice. How is dancing a sport? Sports need either a stopwatch, a yardstick, or goals to be scored against an opposing team.

One thing that really makes me want to punch my TV when figure skating is on is the announcers. It honestly sounds like they’re making up their commentary as they go on: “And there she goes, into a triple lutz! Holy moly! And a south cow, and a dirty bird! Did you see that dirty bird? Wow, and now she’s, yes, she’s going to do a quadruple, backwards, rear admiral and a dirty sanchez with a flipped rim-job for a finish! And the crowd goes wild!”

My opinion: NOT an Olympic sport. Is Ballroom Dancing a Summer Olympic event? No.

Freestyle Skiing
Apparently some skiers thought that simply shooting down a mountain at insane speeds on a pair of long, thin planks wasn't bad-ass enough. So they added mounds of snow (moguls) and ramps to the course. Thus freestyle skiing was born, and athletes' knees were fucked up ever since. I can’t say I see the need for the moguls, but I can appreciate the ramps and the cool and daring flips that they cause the skiers to produce when they jump them, but once again, how is this shit judged? How can one set of judges be unbiased enough to rate everybody, no matter their nationality, without personal feelings and preferences, or blinking getting in the way? I mean I've seen Nordish skiers stay up in the air for a full 15 seconds, hovering like a helocopter, and then land and still beat everyone else’s time to the finish line. But their showboating would still only get them a 6th place standing because the Chinese judge was sleeping with the Canadian skier … and the French one. The Russian just watched and took pictures.

The mogul run of the freestyle competition just boggles my mind. Each skier slams down upon each miniature snow bank (smashing all the cartilage out of every joint below the waist) something like 50 times each run down the course. Why? It’s just an event of endurance until the ramps. They might as well just have Mexican children bash their knees in with piñata sticks for 3 minutes and then slide down a smooth ramp to the jumps. That way you’d at least get the Mexicans involved in the Winter games and it’d be more fun to watch for us gringos.

My opinion: I don’t know here. This is a little too much flash and no substance to be considered an Olympic sport. The Olympics aren't about showing off, and that’s clearly what freestyle skiing really is.

Ice Hockey
*Yaaaaaaaawn* Sorry, but I just couldn't hold that in any longer. Yes, ice hockey is boring. Really fucking boring. ESPECIALLY when you take all the goddamn fighting out of it. That’s the only reason it’s got ANY fans in the U.S. at all (the fights). Without the gloves coming off and the players’ teeth coming out, hockey’s just a bunch of guys in skates and pads, sliding around an ice rink, passing a rubber puck around for like 6 hours (at least that’s how long a single game feels like). It’s actually amazing when somebody scores, as it really only happens once or twice per game, and usually only in triple overtime.

Nobody in America really follows hockey at all. I remember a few years ago they announced that “the national hockey strike is finally over!” and everybody was like “it’s hockey season?” Truthfully, the only things I know about hockey I learned from playing Blades of Steel on the NES and watching Bob and Doug McKenzie’s Strange Brew. Take off, you hoser! Coo loo koo koo koo KOO koo koooo!

My opinion: Yes, hockey players are usually pretty damn tough (what with getting smashed into walls, slapped in the face with pucks and sticks, and skating around a rink for hours on end), but the sport is too boring to be an Olympic event.

Luge
What. The. Fucktarski… The luge is even lamer than bobsledding. True, the competitors fly down the ice tunnel at bullet-speeds, but they couldn't leave the ice tunnel that they shoot down unless they really really fuck up majorly and completely (and pretty much on purpose). They have to try their hardest to kill themselves in order to mess up in this event. And the only thing that separates a first place winner and the last place loser is usually only a fraction of a second… which is always brought about by a slight gust a wind or a few extra pounds that the non-winner had on them from being born in a country that actually allows them to eat 3 full meals a day because that country isn't a commie or fascist playland full of Stalins or Hitlers (yay! Another Hitler reference on my site!).

My opinion: My friends and I once used one of those old-time wooden sleds with the metal slats on the bottom and raced down a large, frozen drainage pipe we found under a road one winter in Michigan. Yeah, we went fast, but even if we fell off the fucking sled we still made it to the other end in the same amount of time… Well, except for Ricky. But that’s because he was a fat fuck who got stuck halfway down. The fire department made sure that that pipe was blocked off after they rescued that obese tard too. Fuck you, Ricky. We only hung out with you in the first place because your mom paid us to. Thanks for ruining all our fun, tubby.

Nordic Combined
A good idea, just not properly utilized. The Nordic Combined is two events in one medal: Ski jumping, and cross country skiing... But not in a row. See, if the Olympic International Committee of Pussies (OICoP) stopped sucking their thumbs long enough they'd stop babying the athletes and really make them earn that fucking gold. They'd make them jump off that giant ramp and then ski a 15km race as soon as they hit the bottom. Instead the athletes have two chances to jump, and then days later they race. What a wasted effort. They could have added bear traps and kids with snowballs in the landing zone too to really make it cool to watch.

My opinion: Yeah, it's Olympic worthy. The jumping is cool to watch, and the cross country is tough to actually do... I just wish they took it farther.

Skeleton
The luge, but head first. I still did this as a kid down the same snowy and icy slopes that I previously told you about. And without a "hey I'm gay" helmet on my skull either. Lame.

My opinion: No.

Ski Jumping
Pretty dang cool to watch. I don't think I've ever seen or even heard about a single skier wiping out on the slope itself, but plenty almost die on the landing. But just the way that they seem to hang in the air in that strange, yet pretty gallant, pose where they defy gravity for what feels like minutes on end before landing smoothly (or hopefully crashing like a sack of puppies and leaky batteries) is what it's all about. People hate it when I start singing "Rocket Man" when the skiers take to the air, but fuck them. I am too on key.

My opinion: Elton John and his early songs may be gay, but ski jumping is something that most certainly is not.

Snow Boarding
The showboating seen in snow boarding is about 150 times more than what we get in freestyle skiing. It's ALL about showing off here... And that is why it sucks. Personally I just want to bitch-slap each and every snow boarder just for their ridiculous facial hair (even the women), their unbathed dreadlocks, and their pierced noses, tongues, lips and eyebrows. They look like punks, I doubt even wash their pits once a week, and all they do is show off. In fact, one American snow boarder lost the gold in the 2006 games (despite being way in the lead) because as she took one of the final jumps she decided to do some fancy hang-time shit while in the air. She of course fucked up (1/2 of all snow boarding I've ever seen has the contestant "fucking up"), landed wrong, and lost her standing. Because she tried to show off... and failed. Ever notice how almost ALL fucktards who try to show off at whatever they do end up fucking up? That's a scientific fact, junior.

My opinion: Hey, I'm pretty good at that snow boarding game at Dave & Busters where you stand on the board and physically act the maneuvers out and shit. I always make it to the finish line first too because I don't try to look like a moron in front of the crowds and my hippie girlfriend (who needs to drop the earrings from her nostrils and shave under her arms and her overgrown groin every once in a while). God I hate hippies.

Speed Skating
Now THIS is the shit that I'm talking about! Hard core athletes, fast speeds, intense races, and the option for body parts to become severed with those giant razors that they strap to their feet in order to slice through the ice. And have you looked at the legs on those fuckers? They're as big as my waste. Even the women's legs. Oh MAN what I'd give to have one of those chickies wrap their iron-smiting legs around me for a couple of hours on a cold, dark night, warmed only by the body heat that we were both giving off... Cold and hungry for love, and "touch" our only language. I love you, Anni Friesinger.

I can barely stand up in ice skates, but I can go kind of fast in the rink... I just can't turn (at all) too elegantly. The fact that these men and women fly around the ice like goose through a shit (sic), sometimes with 20 people packed onto each track at once, simply amazes me. When they take the turns on the track they actually put their left hands on the ice (they take the turns at such impossible angles)... I would be scared shitless that some fuck not paying attention would sever a finger or a hand. But they just keep sweeping through, only the finish line in sight, bloody stump be damned... DAMNED I say! That's just so deep. And holy shit would I bone Anni if I was able to slip her a roofie at her celebration party.

My opinion: Fast, dangerous, and one of the most competitive events ever -- Yes, speed skating is indeed an Olympic sport.

Final thoughts...

Once again I feel the need to repeat myself one more time and over again. The Winter Olympics are but a pale shadow of a comparison of their stronger, meatier, and much cooler to watch older brothers and sisters in the Summer Games. But they're still good for some shits and giggles a few weeks every 4 years, just when football season is over (American football). Most of the events therein are pretty gay/lame/faggy/pathetic/annoying, but I personally still tune in because I don't have a life and tend to live vicariously through the dreams and achievements of those much more athletically inclined than I (i.e. those less likely to choose the computer when the option comes up for running a race or looking up porn). Seriously, I can't be the only one.