I've said it before in past articles (see More Retardation than the World Can Handle [Personal Accountability is Overrated], and Retards Unite! Why is the World as Stupid as it be?), and I'll say it again: People are reeeeeally fucking stupid. Nobody thinks anything through anymore, and the stupider the person and the act of stupidity that they perform, the less likely they are to accept responsibility for the retardation they have unleashed upon the Earth. But now things have actually gotten worse. Not only have we hit a Darwinian dead end in evolutionary scales (meaning we do everything within our power to keep stupid people from stupidly harming and/or killing themselves by placing stupid warnings everywhere -- like "do not drink this bottle of bleach" -- and we allow the survivors of stupid acts to sue people and companies for not printing these blatantly obvious warnings [on things that do not need them] in a bigger font -- like warnings not to use an open flame anywhere near a gas station, or to not fuck a pitbull in the mouth), but now it appears that purified LUCK is on the stupids' side. This sucks, as it will allow retarded, stupid people to survive to an age where they can reproduce and create stupider, uglier, little fucktards of their own. God save us all. Bring back natural selection, please!

Normally I talk about 3 or more instances of annoyingly stupid behavior in my "retard" articles, and then dissect them to their mongoloid roots to show just how terribly stupid some people can be. But this time... This time I came across 2 articles that made me weep for the future of mankind, and I could not even think of covering any more. These two stories were about two separate American youths so goddamn dumb... so utterly without even a half a brain cell in their fucking skulls, that I wept when I first read them. Could we really be breeding human beings this completely stupid? Are these half-wits actually a new species of man, like the mutant X-Men, only stupider and with luck as their super power? Don't any of the gods out there love us anymore?

What makes both of these mongos' stories even more grievous (to non-morons who read their tales) is that both headliners survived their experiences. THEY HAD NO RIGHT TO DO SO. Anyway, I will now let the stupid stories speak for themselves.

The Story of the Very Stupid College Student and the Bum

One night in late November, 2005, in Athens, Ga, a University of Georgia sophomore was walking around downtown alone (more than likely drunk and stoned off her ass -- but that's just a stereotypical, unsubstantiated assessment made by me based solely on personal experience of my time as a student... but it makes what happened next much more understandable), when she came across a homeless man who asked her for some food -- so she went into The Grill and got him some chicken fingers and some cheese sticks... no, not the stupid part. In fact I found this part of the story to show this student to be very generous and kind. But she makes me forget that with what happens next.

Keep in mind that this chick was by herself. No boyfriend and no group of annoying, giggling, ugly girlfriends to protect her or to make her see things logically. According to the November 28th issue of the UGA student newspaper, The Red and Black, the sophomore brain-farter "said the man — a white male between the age of 20 to 25 with brown hair and eyes — was nice and didn’t seem like the type to steal." Try and guess where this is leading.... Nope, she's dumber than your initial thoughts. It's way worse than that.

The homeless guy (after finding out that he may have found the world's most unrelentingly brain-deficient human in town [I know Athens... that's really saying a lot]) then asked the girl if she could buy him some beer, because, well, bums love booze (They need it... It's in their contracts as bums to drink it). Needless to say, she bought him a pitcher or five at a bar and then listened to the guy probably make up a long, sad, sob story about his life in order to pull some dopey student heartstrings, and maybe score big that night... In one way or another.

This is where the "oh my God, what a complete dipshit" moment of the story happens. The girl admits to being a bit drunk at this point, and she took the homeless guy to her nearby friend's apartment since the homeless guy didn't have a home (hence the name "homeless" guy) and needed a place to stay. After hearing the story thus far I thought this collegiate Einstein was originally going to force her horny and slutty ass on the poor bum on her friend's bed while her friend tried to sleep through it, but she doesn't quite go that far... But that doesn't make her any less stupid. At least if she had done that (pumped his greasy, hobo, love monkey) SHE would have been in total charge of the stupid situation. What she said she did was lock her friend's door (I never really heard if the friend whose place it was that this mongo took the homeless guy to even knew that they were there... All variations of the story that I've heard make it sound like the bleeding-heart bitch just let herself and her smelly vagrant in without even knocking on the door), tell the guy to sleep on the couch, and then went into an empty room and crashed herself.

This is when that "didn't seem like the type to steal" part comes back to bite the re-re on her big, fat, pimply butt. When she woke up early the next day, *GASP* her wallet, keys and car were *DOUBLE GASP* stolen! Yes, the friendly hobo stole her shit. And the college girl with the expensive education was honestly surprised. Her dad is quoted through his sophomore daughter as saying something along the lines of "that dirty, smelly, unbathed, yucky man could have raped or killed my baby! My GOD I raised a retarded child." Not a direct quote, but the general idea is there. I feel I have to emphasize this one more time: The girl never admitted that what she did was stupid. What makes her even more of a dingus is that the lesson she learned is NOT to "never bring home drunken, smelly homeless people with nothing to lose while drunk yourself," but instead she learned to "stop being nice to strangers." I'm sure her parents are so proud.

Beyond the general telling of the events of that night as told in the R&B, there are GAPING holes in this girl's dramatic tale of retardation. First of all, she was obviously already tipsy/hashed when she first met the bum, but she proceeded to join him for a pitcher (more than likely 2-3) of PBR with no friends around. There are a whole heck of a lot of back alleys in Athens that this guy could have pulled her down at any time, and nobody would have found her bloody, raped, fat corpse till the following day. Secondly, it's damn obvious that while drunk (and probably stoned) she drove this guy over to her friend's place, putting other drivers and drunk pedestrians at risk as if their lives meant nothing (they're all students who have yet to accomplish anything big in life, so they don't really mean anything yet, but that's not the point). Then she led the stranger and possible thief/rapist/murderer up and into her friend's apartment... Now, nobody got any quotes from the friend of this genius girl, so that makes me believe that SHE HAD NO IDEA that her stupid friend actually did all of this. The evidence points to this drunk chick letting herself into her friend's flat and then just passing out in the spare room herself. I think that she even lied about locking her and her friend's doors. Don't forget, the vagrant got her wallet and keys, which would have been very hard to do through a locked door or solid wall. For all we know he really COULD have raped her and either she doesn't remember or she's too embarrassed to admit it. THIS GIRL IS NOT A BRAIN SURGEON. She's one of the stupider specimen of the human species on the planet. I could totally see her waking up, remembering what happened the night before, and then realizing that she had been sexually assaulted (which in my opinion is the worst thing that can happen to a woman).... But then she saw that her wallet and keys were gone and her mind jumped straight to "Oooooh nooooo! What if daddy doesn't buy me a new car to make up for my shit-for-brains moronicness last night!!!"

What confuses me the most is that I've been drunk and stumbled around downtown on many occasions in the past, but I've never gotten the inkling to invite a strange, stinky, homeless woman over to my friend's house, and leave out all sorts of goodies (like a wallet, keys, or box of condoms).... Unless she was really really hot. Then I'd still hose her off before passing out and letting her steal things from me and my body.

Anyway, I was hoping and praying to the Lord Almighty above that this was just a once-in-a-lifetime story of reeeeally stupid behavior that for some reason did NOT end with the genetic weeding out of the dipshit in question by her own dumb actions. Not only could her life have been snuffed and nobody would have known for days (well, her friend whose place it was would have smelled her, but then after figuring out what happened she would have ignored her body or thrown it into the river), but this unintelligent, feeble-minded didgeridoo put her friend in mortal danger too! I have to believe that this dumb fuck got dumped by her pal, and will die lonely, friendless death because she's so fucking stupid.... But still, she's not THE stupidest person of last year. Nope, that award goes to a brainless, foolish, irresponsible, naive, puerile, senseless, unthinking retard from Florida (there must be some stupid juice in the water there).

The Story of the Brainless, Foolish, Irresponsible, Naive, Puerile, Senseless, Unthinking Retard from Florida

Once upon a time, in the land of retarded voter recounts and afternoon dinners followed by tapioca desserts, there was a 16 year-old boy of Iraqi descent (both of his parents got the fuck out of Iraq back in the 60s or 70s), who seemed to believe Sean Penn when he said that Iraq is not really a land of violence and bad people, but a country of love, and puppies and ice-cream. This young (reeeeally stupid) lad then took it upon himself to go into Iraq (a fucking WAR zone) alone, right before a country-wide vote (when threats of terrorist bombings were at their highest), in order to interview some locals for a school project. And NO, the school project was not to go to a foreign war zone to interview the natives who speak a language that you do not. The teacher had previously told her class that "immersion journalism" (or completely wrapping oneself in a culture or way of life in order to see and feel what your interviewee sees and feels and therefore write a more comprehensive article [something I personally and vehemently disagree with... That and "facts"]) was super, and so this rocket scientist 16 year-old put 2 and 2 together and got 1337, thinking that "Teacher says living with interviewee is good. Me do good too! Me go live Iraq! Me special! Me go fling poop now and touch people with me peepee stick! Yaaaaaay!"

So, WITHOUT TELLING ANYBODY, not even his own parents, the fucktard broke into his own savings account and bought a ticket to Kuwait. Just wait, this story ONLY GETS DUMBER.

He arrived in Kuwait City and then proceeded to hire a taxi to drive him into Baghdad. Across the desert. Hundreds of miles away. The cab was stopped at the Iraqi border though, and forced to go back (due to the vote taking place, and the Iraqi people not liking foreign terrorists entering their country during such times to blow shit up). The American kid was devastated... And apparently pissed, as he then began to argue with his cabbie over how much it was going to cost in the end for him to end up right where he started (apparently research into the non-yelling customs of foreign lands that one plans to enter is NOT part of immersion journalism). So far, this kid got lucky more than a dozen times, as he was not dead for not knowing any of the customs or languages, he put his life in the hands of a strange cabbie who probably liked his shiny new Nikes (oh yes, it was made a point in the many articles that I read about this loser that he didn't even try to blend in with the citizens of the countries he traveled to... In a land where Americans are kidnapped and/or shot on site), he almost got detained at a border check into a country in the middle of a WAR, and then he started threatening to NOT pay the cab driver who put his own neck on the line to get this ingrate to his desired destination. The kid even admits that he almost started a fistfight with the guy. If I remember correctly, the old Nickelodeon show, Out of Control, with Dave Coulier, had a segment called "How NOT To Do Things." This kid should have fucking written for them.

Oh, it only gets MORE RETARDED from here. Anyway, so the kid is in Kuwait again, and pretty much broke, and still hasn't talked to any Iraqis who weren't in military uniforms at a roadblock aiming guns at him. Instead of admitting stupid defeat and accepting the fact that he was a moron (but at least an ALIVE moron), and going home to mommy and daddy, he had another idea. He did indeed contact his parents at that point, and then he went to some family friends' place in a safer city: Bei-fuckin-rut (I shit you not). He stayed with this family till Christmas, then snuck off from them (wow, this kid is such a winner, isn't he) and flew in to Baghdad alone. Somehow, despite not speaking a lick of Arabic, he got a room at a posh hotel, and then spent three days wandering around town, apparently looking for somebody to shoot him in the face. At one point he went into a restaurant in his white Nikes and American clothes, and began to look through an English to Arabic dictionary in order to ask for a menu. He wasn't even TRYING to blend in. I think instead of the English to Arabic dictionary he should have brought with him a regular dictionary and looked up the word "immersion." I'm too lazy to do so myself (but then again I'm not putting my life on the line here), but I'm pretty sure that the "immersion" part of "immersion journalism" is not defined as "making oneself a fucking target for hostile assholes who like to shoot innocent people for shits and giggles." Marcus Newman, back in the second grade, wasn't this goddamn dumb, and he used to eat the sparkle-dust and paste his eyes closed in Arts and Crafts every Tuesday.

Because he did such an awesome job of immersing himself and journalizing about Iraq on his own, this Floridian punk must have thought that he was now a big boy, and therefore a real reporter, so he then marched into the Baghdad Associated Press office and said something along the lines of "Hi, I'm a stupid American youth. Can I write an article for you or something? Or should I just stand outside and have some jihadist blow me up?" Smartly, the press actually called in the US Military to pick the pup up, and ship him back to the States (the smartest thing that any real journalist has ever done in recent memory... Or maybe the AP's actions just LOOKED that much smarter when compared to this boy's mongo story).

"This was a thoroughly stupid thing to do,'' a U.S. military official in Baghdad was quoted as saying. "This is an extraordinarily dangerous environment. It's not only his life, but the life of service members responsible for securing him.'' If allowed to continue off the record I'm sure he would have said something along the lines of, "Goddammit! Why, if I had a rubber hose I'd beat him till...."

"If he wanted a free trip to Iraq, all he had to do was enlist,'' said an enlisted soldier who for some reason did not want to be identified. Man, I wish he'd identify himself to me. I'd buy this quoted G.I. Joe and his entire platoon a round of drinks and a hooker. Awesome.

Back to the article: I agree wholeheartedly with both soldiers. This 16 year-old turd not only worried the hell out of his parents and risked his own life in the process of doing something dumber than ANYBODY I know has ever even thought about doing, but he put other people's lives in danger as well. THAT pisses me off.

The fact that he never gave up and kept trying to attain his goal is actually a pretty good trait to have; but only if used for non-stupid goals: like trying to get a pay raise, or trying to get laid by a hot chick, or even trying to beat the end boss of Final Fantasy X. This trait is NOT put to good use when you don't give up on entering a war zone completely unarmed, unprepared, and with less than half a brain in your skull.

In the end, the US Military flew the fucker home (I'm pretty sure for free... I just hope it wasn't MY tax money that paid for the gas), and I think he DID in fact state that he didn't plan out his trip as thoroughly as he should have. I don't recall this dipshit ever apologizing to all those he worried and/or those whose lives he endangered by being stupid. His attitude about the whole thing just amazes me. On top of that, he utterly failed his immersion journalism project, but he did become the front page news himself for a while... At least until he held a press conference and got journalists from around the globe to attend... and then he cancelled it five minutes before it was to begin because he was nervous or some shit. So help me God, if I was one of those reporters dumb enough to show up in the first place I so would have tracked him down, strapped him to one of those Hannibal Lecter push-carts, and wheeled him on stage for the world to laugh at and call him names to his face. You, sir, are a world-class asshat. Lick my goddamn nuts.

After All Is Said and Done

What terrifies me the most about these stupid kids is that they didn't seem to have any internal alarms going off saying "Warning! Warning! What you are about to do crosses into STUPID territory! You will either be dead or a laughing stock if you proceed! Warning!" It is simply amazing. I, personally, have a "stupid alarm" go off in my head if I'm about to lock my keys in my car... and I even have a keyless entry system on the door. I almost drove away with a small child on the roof of my car once (he was holding my drink for me while I got my keys out), but the stupid alarm told me to stop, look, and figure things out.

Despite all my hopes, stupidity will probably never end, even with government mandated "stupid alarms" surgically inserted into stupid people's brains (which couldn't hurt and I think is still worth trying). I'm sure that even if robots do kill us all and take over the world, soon enough their infallible logic-drives would be corrupted by the fact that they were created by us, and they'd start acting retarded as well. But if we humans continue on the stupid path that these kids described above are starting us on, well, then we might deserve to be made into robot-fuel soylent green. Nothing that stupid should be allowed to live. The gods must be crazy to have let those two survive their self-created stupid experiences... Either that or they have some sort of godly evil plan in mind and those two 'tards are key factors in it. Either way, we as the dominant creatures on the planet, are doomed. DOOMED I say!