100 Things You Should Know About Me, the Rossman

This is the most narcissistic page I've ever written, and that is indeed saying a lot. I've gotten a lot of email lately from readers who simply want to get to know more about me (Editor's note: No he hasn't), and I thought that giving up a little personal information like this was the least I could do (Editor's note: No it isn't. He could do a LOT less. And I believe he should). So, if I twist it right, I think I can get away with presenting this page as a bit of community service the next time I have to see that judge; I figure: The more people know about me the better this world will be. So anyway, here's a little something I like to call "100 Things You Need to Know About the Rossman." Wallow in its awesomeness!

  1. I was created in the 20th century.
  2. I was born a poor black child.
  3. I like to eat beef.
  4. I will have Sarah Brightman's child some day.

(Editor's note: Yeah, this is by far the dumbest thing that the Rossman has ever attempted to do. Well, at least on his website. So, instead of allowing this abomination to continue I trashed the rest of the Rossman's "100 Things" [leaving only the above examples in tact just to give you an example of just how titillating his original list was] and contacted people like Angry Amy, Chi-Chi, the Wolfman, Robot Pedro, the MegaPlayboy, the Chief, Mehve, Good Lenin, Psycho Weasel, and Carl, and got them to write their own lists of "things people should know about the Rossman." They kind of read like instructions on how to become criminally insane. So, I hope the Rossman does present this final list to Judge Kinskey — she absolutely loves to hit things and people with her gavel.)

  1. The Rossman's middle name is not "Danger" as he claims, it's really "Failure-Assdick."
  2. The Rossman's secret ninja power is retardation. Well, I guess it was never really a secret...
  3. The Rossman always has on the WHITEST tennis shoes. They are almost as white as he is.
  4. Jesus and the Devil made a bet on humanity based on the Rossman. They both lost.
  5. The Rossman is responsible for the abomination known as "magical girl anime."
  6. YulThe rumor is that Yul Brynner lost his hair over the course of one year jacking off HALF the amount that the Rossman does in three and a half hours!
  7. The Rossman's car is ridiculously clean, and if you smoke ten feet near it he will yell at you. Because he is a douchebag.
  8. The Rossman once tried to become Batman, but since he didn't want his own parents gunned down in front of his eyes he hired somebody to shoot an old rich couple in front of him. It did not work.
  9. The Rossman eats baby birds.
  10. The Rossman is the original Angry Wumpus Hunt Nerd™.
  11. The Rossman is currently stalking 27 celebrities, and one guy in Phoenix who wrote him some hate mail.
  12. The Rossman once crippled a woman with a donkey-punch.
  13. The Rossman's Tivo is set up to only record The Oxygen Channel and Days.
  14. The Rossman is actually the mixture of a boy and girl twins who merged in the womb. Instead of a hermaphrodite though, they formed a baby with no genitals. The "man" in his name is actually in reference to him only being a hu"man"... though even that is debatable.
  15. The Rossman was raised on drug money.
  16. The Rossman has 9 fingers and 11 toes. And three of something else he should only have two of.
  17. As a wee lad, the Rossman trapped a wild kangaroo and taught it to box, with which he won hobo-organized boxing matches from coast to coast. It was only on his 30th birthday that he learned the truth: It wasn't a kangaroo, it was his retarded brother who'd been living in the woods behind his house because his parents were too ashamed to claim him as their own. Regardless, he was a damn good boxer, and the Rossman rarely had to lock him in his room under the stairs without supper.
  18. The Rossman has played every hentai game ever made.
  19. The Rossman once tried to get OJ Simpson and Roman Polanski into a "high-larious" situation by tricking them into the same room together and telling OJ that Roman fucked his ex-wife, and Roman that OJ was a 10 year-old girl. The result was far from comical and only served to add another 25 restraining orders on the Rossman's head.
  20. Those used-panty vending machines in Japan?... They're really all the Rossman's.
  21. The Rossman takes dumps with no clothes on. And other times without even removing his pants.
  22. The Rossman even goes to some public restrooms without any clothes on... Sometimes the bus station too.... And the mall... Honestly, that's just his Naked Thursdays.
  23. The Rossman got infected nipples from drunken piercing experiments and used fish hooks.
  24. The Rossman once paid a Caribbean girl to braid his chest hair, and she had to call in her entire village in order to get it done in a week — in time for his high school reunion. It ended up costing him $10K, and 200 cases of Red Stripe.
  25. The Rossman's sack-sweat is considered a delicacy in three different countries, and is illegal in five others.
  26. The Rossman's coat of arms shows a picture of a disembodied baby's arm holding an apple.
  27. The Rossman once punched Sandra Day O'Connor... in the ovaries..... Twice.
  28. The Rossman once accepted an offer to sleep with somebody for one million dollars. He should have known that Homeless Charles didn't have the cash to pay him. In fact I KNOW he knew.
  29. The Rossman once threw a truckful of chickens across a dirt road just to prove a point. To this day, no one knows what that point was...
  30. The Rossman believes everything that Tyler Durden says. ESPECIALLY that thing about urine.
  31. The Rossman drives a Big Wheel coated in KY Jelly for religious reasons.
  32. The character Paul Bunyan was based on the Rossman... Except for the part about being large in ANY way.... and not humping the blue ox.
  33. Joe IsuzuThe Rossman watches reruns of the Golden Girls every night just before bed in the hopes of having a sexy dream with all of the "girls". To date, the closest he's gotten is a three-way with Richard Mulligan and that Joe Isuzu guy from that shitty spin-off. That giant dog just watched.
  34. It's a little known fact that Rossman served several tours in Vietnam .... oh, wait... I misread... It says he SERVICED several tourists from Viet Nam. Never mind.
  35. The Rossman once hooked up with that really hot tennis star, but it turns out that McEnroe was already married.
  36. The Rossman once breast-fed a blind rhinoceros... against its will!
  37. The Rossman has broken 17 of the Ten Commandments.
  38. The Rossman once had sex with a gumball machine. They later broke up due to irreconcilable differences.
  39. The Rossman once gave a reach-around to a dead billy goat.... there are people who swear they heard it thank him!
  40. The Rossman hates cats. He says they taste terrible.
  41. The Rossman once sold his body to science for a Twinkie and a half a lime.
  42. The Rossman does NOT respect your authority.
  43. The Rossman DOES respect her authority *whipcrack*.
  44. Günther based his "Ding Dong Song (You Touch My Tralala)" on the Rossman after meeting him and hearing his catchphrase over and over and over again.
  45. The Rossman is the world's best driver... Well he would be if every other driver was blind, deaf, and mute.
  46. The Rossman named his package "Mr. Gendo," 'cause it's smarter than he is, and it can stare anybody down.
  47. The Rossman loathes robots. Even those that aren't after his medication.
  48. The Rossman made Natalie Portman orgasm while filming her role for that shitty Mr. Magorium movie by simply THINKING about her. They kept this scene in the movie.
  49. The Rossman once stuck his finger in a huge dyke to save a town from its leaking crack. All he got was several painful anti-VD shots for his troubles.
  50. In an alternate universe the Rossman was fathered by Clint Eastwood, Ghandi, "Weird Al" Yankovic, some guy who was really named Seymour Butts, and Benjamin Franklin. The mother was Ronald Reagan.
  51. The movie King Kong was based on the Rossman... No, the Rossman isn't a giant monkey, but the producers saw the size and the hairiness of his balls and the idea just came to them.
  52. The Rossman invented the internet. Mostly just to store all his porn.
  53. The Rossman met his idol, Steve Jobs, once, and STEVE kissed THE ROSSMAN full on the lips.
  54. The Rossman isn't pissing in the toilet... he's pissing ON THE WORLD.
  55. The Rossman is disappointed that Puppy Chow™ does not indeed taste like real puppies.
  56. The Rossman wears Pokemon pajamas. Actually, he just paints a Charmander over his junk and usually passes out after running around his place for a couple of hours each night claiming that he's just one experience point away from becoming a Charizard, but that's the closest to PJs that he's ever worn, so that still counts.
  57. The Rossman once traveled to the End of Time and farted, then it all started all over again. We are actually living BACKWARDS now.
  58. When the Rossman was 16, he loved 16 year old girls... Now that he's in his 30s, he loves... 16 year old girls.
  59. The Rossman is mad that jasmine tea does not taste a lick like the star of A Different World.
  60. Cathy the GrrrrrrrrreatCatherine the Great didn't die fucking a horse. It was the Rossman.
  61. The Rossman once had himself cloned. The last time the clone (or possibly the original Rossman) was seen it was accepting a ride from Eddie Murphy on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood.
  62. The Rossman pays for 50% of his friends. He blackmails the other 50%.
  63. In the third act, the Rossman will fight a giant spider.
  64. The Rossman likes children — if properly cooked and seasoned.
  65. The Rossman once declared a jihad against the dessert bar at Ryan's Steakhouse.
  66. The Rossman is still single because no real woman can compete with Ayukawa Madoka (that's what he calls his right hand).
  67. The Rossman thinks that urinal cakes are just like mints on a pillow.
  68. The Rossman invented "two girls, one cup." Actually, when he did it it was just "one guy, one cup." The Rossman was the guy AND the cup.
  69. The Rossman enjoys a good wedgie before bed. He doesn't mind if he's the giver or the receiver in this regard.
  70. The Rossman once licked a homeless person on a dare. The rest of the times, he's done it for himself.
  71. Denny Crane has a life-sized Rossman doll, when Shirley Schmidt-Ho just won't do.
  72. Pluto Nash? Surprisingly NOT the Rossman's fault.
  73. Cutthroat Island though was.
  74. The Rossman tried to invade Japan once, but his wang was so small they never noticed that he wasn't one of them.
  75. The Rossman LOVES Jimmy Carter. Jimmy made Reagan look like even more of a god than he already was.
  76. The Rossman originally wrote the Rick Asley song "Never Gonna Give You Up". It was originally "Never Gonna Give Me Up" about himself.
  77. The Rossman's website doesn't actually exist... it's all in his mind.
  78. The Rossman was originally pissed that the new Starbuck and Boomer were chicks. His penis has since seen the error of his ways.
  79. The Rossman once tried to "shit all over France." The most he was able to cover was two square miles just NorthEast of Dijon.
  80. Rossman Coat of ArmsThe Rossman once killed a man by having the man pull his finger.
  81. Crayon Shin-chan is not a work of fiction, he is based on the Rossman's childhood. Seriously, holy fuck.
  82. The Rossman once beat Second Life.
  83. The Rossman worships Mario. NOT because he stars in tons of great video games, but because the Rossman confuses him with a hunky plumber in a porno that he saw as a child.
  84. The Rossman changed his name from Carl Macek after the first three episodes of The Sentinels were leaked to the public.
  85. 32.7255% of all internet cliches were created by the Rossman... all the ones you hate.
  86. Storm's line about knowing "what happens to a toad that's struck by lightning" in the first X-Men movie was forced into the script by the Rossman holding a gun to the writer's head.
  87. The Rossman's Ford Explorer has blown up 13 times since he bought it. Only twice accidentally.
  88. The Heisman Trophy is modeled on the Rossman's penis.
  89. The Rossman once ate a head of cheese in one sitting. Actually, there was no cheese involved...
  90. If the Rossman ever points at you, RUN.
  91. The Rossman is an only child, and his brothers and sisters HATE him for it.
  92. The Rossman has never been invited to a party.
  93. The Rossman HAS been invited to the Vatican. The Pope wanted to see what a real exorcism looked like. Unfortunately he never got the chance, for in an exorcism a demon must be possessing a human, not another demon.
  94. The Rossman never sold lemonade on his front yard as a child, he sold piss and vinegar.
  95. The reason you don't see anything new from either Gary Larson or Bill Watterson is because the Rossman accidentally killed them both with a retard-strength hug.
  96. The Rossman is, was, and forever shall be... Just like pure evil.
  97. The Rossman once thought he was a god. This lasted from when he was 3 until, well, right now.
  98. The Rossman doesn't have any parents. The Earth just shit him out like a German porn star onto the chest of the stinky population.
  99. The Rossman is really a Rosswoman.

    And finally::
  100. The Rossman should die in a fire.

NOTES from the Editor: Well, that pretty much sums it all up. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the Rossman explained to me once that that is not in fact an octopus on his coat of arms. It's a "tentacle monster." Faaaaantastic...

The Rossman dot com