I don't know why, but a few weeks ago I came to the realization that my 10 year-old nephew would eventually be headed to college, and that scared me.

No, it didn't scare me in the sense that I felt old, or I thought that the world would end if the kid ever grew up, but I felt some fear in that I thought nobody would give him any REAL advice as to what to do in any REAL situations that he may find himself in once he's moved off on his own. I went off to college without any good advice beyond "Study hard! Get good grades!" myself. That's the worst kind of advice you can give a kid who's about to taste his first bit of real freedom in his entire life. That's like saying to a shark at its first feeding frenzy, "Okay now, Bitey, you go in there and make some friends."

So, being the good uncle that I am, I got Team Rossman and Team Greenwood together (in the form of The Chief, The MegaPlayboy, Psycho Weasel, Chef Jax, Good Lenin, Karen, Ms. Scarlett, Cap'n Doug, Marksy, and Dr. Dave) and we brain-stormed together in order to come up with a list of pieces of advice and warnings that we would have loved to have heard (in hindsight) before running off to our first kegger.

Hopefully, in the meantime, this shit will help some other poor college-bound schulbs who need it before my nephew is old enough to read it (without me self-censoring the shit out of it).

So here's the ever-expanding list:

1. The MOST important thing you can ever learn from us: Do NOT become one of those douchebag assholes who's always the villain in all the college comedies out there. They always think they're cooler than they are, they treat women like disposable tissues, and normal people just want to punch them with brass knuckles in the teeth. I will beat you with a crowbar repeatedly if you ever start smirking like a Turd Fergusson, or fist-bumping your douchebag friends without a sense of irony attached to the act.
2. If your intent in going to college is mainly to party, skip the college part. Tuition is too expensive and your dad worked too hard to piss it away like that. You can party without the classes. It'll be harder to get a job without a degree, but if you're good at computers you'll do fine. I mean like "programming MAD good" at computers, not just being able to write emails and open Word. (The Colonel never got a college degree and he's the head of the Asian branch of the international company that hired his sorry ass. So, it's doable.)
3. That's not to say that you shouldn't party at all in college (and party hard when it's called for), just that your real goal should be to actually get something out of the experience besides alcohol poisoning.
4. Unless you go to a rinky-dink school in a tiny town, and there's nothing else at all to do, do not join a frat. Really. You do not need to buy your friends. You're not that awful at meeting people that you have to pay money to hang out with a bunch of drunks, are you?
5. Instead, join a club (colleges are FULL of them). Or better yet, start your own club. It's the surest way to meet people with the same likes as you. All you'll meet in frats are guys who DO need to buy their friends because they have no real social skills while sober.
6. Always go over and talk to that cute girl you see everyday in the dining hall. You've got nothing to lose.
7. Live somewhere where you can 1) walk home after drinking 2) walk to class 3) walk from class to bar. Rides are expensive, well... daily taxi rides will kill your savings.
8. Take all the campus bus routes within your first week. It's the best and fastest way to learn where all that stuff is so that you'll be able to help cute and confused coeds find their classes when you meet them at bus stops. That practice has gotten me at least 6 dates during my collegiate career. They're always so grateful.
9. Don't be one of those dirty hipster faggots you see walking around wearing out of style clothes, cheezy half-grown beards, and dorky fedoras. They're not cool, they never will be cool, and people only refer to them as "those dirty hipster faggots."
10. Don't do drugs. Seriously, even something as low on the drug totem-pole as smoking the marijuana just isn't worth it. It's too damn expensive, and you have to buy a lot to get and keep the same effect as one 6-pack of PBR. Plus, it's fucking illegal, and you don't want a drug record because you got caught the first time you light up.
11. Never hold another guy or gal's doobie while they go to the bathroom. That's inevitably when the cops raid the party. Then you have to try and convince your parents that it wasn't yours. Yeah, I wouldn't buy that either.
12. Don't drink and drive. Fuck what happens to you if you do it, but you could hurt or kill an innocent driver, or worse, a hot chick. Then I would kill you, right after your parents get through with you.
13. If you get blitzed and have to get home, call a taxi. It's worth it. If you're too damn broke, hold on to the receipt, I'll pay you back.
14. Seriously, if that taxi ride will break your piggy bank, get a goddamn job, hippie.
15. Get a fun job (they do exist). You want a customer service job because you'll work with a lot of people in the same boat as you, and they'll all be doing their best to make their on-the-clock time enjoyable. Don't get a job as a janitor or security guard. Those will be the loneliest nights of your life. Plus everybody should work in the service industry at least once in order to appreciate the shit that people who do it for a living have to put up with.
16. Your dad is paying how many thousands of dollars a year to send you to your college? Don't major in something completely useless, like a liberal arts degree. Honestly, if the economy ever tanks again (and it will), you will be the first to find yourself jobless. Liberal arts degrees are for losers who think they can philosophize their way through life and a paycheck. Big surprise here, you can't, and all those morons who thought they could are the people you see at 45 wearing a name tag all day when they ask you if you want fries with that.
17. Computer science, business, law, accounting... Any of these will at least get you into a company's front doors for an interview. That's all you really need.
18. But, don't major in something you hate or aren't interested in. You will hate your college experience and it will hate you.
19. The real world SUCKS. It does, don't believe anybody who tells you that life just keeps getting better and better till you die. That's only true if you die before your graduate college. Live your time at your school up like it's the greatest time of your life. It just may be.
20. Never (never, ever) lend your computer, or even your password to anybody for ANY reason. Yes, not even to that cute girl down the hall. Yeah, they may break the expensive devise, but they might use it for some pretty skeazy (read "illegal" or just plain gross) projects/downloads, and that could implicate you quite easily, especially if the skeazy pics are on YOUR device. Seriously, this shit should be common sense. Don't be a dumbass.
21. Password protect your computer, and to drive the point home further, do NOT tell anybody the password. You weren't raised to be an idiot, boy.
22. If you DO get arrested for anything, Smile a warm smile for your mugshot. Do NOT look like a smirking douche in it, and don't look all whiney and cry-baby-like. Be a man.
23. Visit the campus health center and ask about STD rates for the campus. That way you can have some idea of what you're getting into during a night on the town.
24. Don't bang a chick if she's trying to jump your bones after 4 or less dates. That just means she's done that with countless other guys before you. If you do tap that ass (of a woman who threw her panties at you on the first date), go immediately to the campus health center so that they can laugh at you and give you some Penicillin and help you get rid of your crabs.
25. Always wear a goddamn condom! Some crazy chicks get off on going bareback, stay away from them. If you have to ask if they already have an STD, they do.
26. Che Guevara was a murdering commie asshole. You do not want his picture on your T-shirt.
27. If your T-shirt has any saying, any picture, or any words in a foreign language on it, find out what it really means before wearing it out in public. SOMEBODY knows, and they will laugh at you.
28. Or a tat. Don't get a tattoo unless you KNOW what it means. And even then, DON'T get a tat. Only guys who think they're 10Xs cooler than they really are get tats. And soldiers (who can do anything they want to their bodies and you're not allowed to say anything). You're just a college punk who hasn't experienced anything yet, let alone anything that you want to permanently mark your body with over.
29. Your hippie teachers will try and pass off their political beliefs onto you (I had an English Lit professor jump into a 50-minute diatribe about Richard Nixon, who was out of office over 20 years at the time). Just nod your head and say you agree with them, but for the love of God learn to think for yourself in these matters.
30. Remember, college professors are people who couldn't get real jobs or who settled for their profession. Take EVERY opinion that they tell you with a giant grain of salt.
31. Do NOT hit on your teacher's assistant. Wait till you've passed that class to ask her out.
32. Used textbooks are good, badly used textbooks aren't. Be kind to your books, buy used books when they are available, but remember that just as you can try to sell back books containing bodily fluids, so can everyone else... Screen your books carefully (and with latex gloves if possible) before purchasing.
33. Wait until you're at least 25 before you try to grow a beard. If you attempt to grow one prior to that it WILL look very cheesy, and your ability to get laid will fall to very low levels. Trust me, your beard is never as full or thick as you think it is, unless you are Zach Galifianakis. Shave at least 3 times a week.
34. Yes, skanky, artsy sluts will still bone you with your cheesy underdeveloped beard, but take a look at their exes… You're fishing in the same well as some pretty heinous guys.
35. Go to the gym at least twice a week. Yeah, you don't want to turn into one of those fat and slobby tubby fuckers in the back of your English 101 class (with his gut hanging out over his belt, and his neck beard rolling over his three chins), but this is mainly a hot chicks exercise. Hot available chicks in spandex are at the school gym from the ass crack of dawn until closing.
36. Date a lot of women. College is for not only getting to know yourself, but to understand what you're looking for in a potential wife. If you only date one person your entire life you'll always wonder what else is out there. Find out for yourself. Plus, it's fun!
37. Don't hang out with guys or girls who take photos of everything, and immediately post them on FaceBook. College is also about making mistakes, and you DO NOT want your mistakes permanently online for future employers (or your family, you dumbass) to find.
38. Make sure you only use a nickname for your online persona. Honestly, do you know how many family members even know I have a website online (let alone one as stupid and embarrassing as this one) since 1995? Other than your Aunt Jaime, none. And I doubt she even remembers anymore. My point is you don't want people to be able to match your stupid actions to you, so come up with a nickname for yourself and make sure that's ALL you use when you are quoted or type ANYTHING online.
39. Draw a penis on one of your passed-out, drunk-as-an-Irish-priest friend's face in permanent marker at least once.
40. Expect the same to happen to you at least once.
41. Do a keg stand at least once.
42. Make sure you are a "fun drunk." I'm pretty sure this is something everybody can control. If not, if you turn out to be an angry dickhole when drunk, well, then don't drink. Ever. Nobody will ever want to hang out with you if you like to punch people, throw liquor in people's faces, or try to puke on people when sloshed. We had an angry douchebag drunk in our group. Somebody would always have to convince him the party was over at 9 and drive him home, then go back to the party himself. Don't be that dick.
43. If you want to join a church, go ahead, I won't stop you. But please, PLEASE only join a legit one (oxymoronic, I know). I actually know somebody who was approached in a parking lot one evening with an "Excuse me, sir, but have you found our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?" That guy joined that cultist church, gave them control of his checking account, and they made sure that he only dated and married within the cult. He ain't ever getting out before drinking the Kool-Aid. Don't be stupid, boy.
44. If anybody ever does approach you in a parking lot with an "Excuse me, sir, but have you found our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?" the correct answer is "Yes. He was behind the couch the whole time."
45. If you do join a church, do not just believe everything they tell you just because they told you to believe it. College is supposed to teach you to think for yourself, so start questioning everything you may have any doubts over. It'll either make you stronger, or make you realize you've been had.
46. Find yourself at least one good buddy. Somebody who'll not only buy you a beer when you're broke, or cover for you if your girlfriend calls and you're banging some chick you met at a bar, but a GOOD buddy who'll help you bury that drunk chick's body after you do the Donkey Punch, or the Bismarck wrong (or all too right), and never bring it up again.
47. If you have to stumble your bleary way home after a night of kick ass debauchery, don't make it a Walk of Shame, make it a Walk of Awesomeness. Smile, wave, and bow to all those you pass. Also tell them "Five times!" if it looks like they're going to ask you something.
48. Never answer the phone drunk when your parents call you. You're never as sober sounding as you think.
49. If I'm calling and you're drunk, always answer. I could use the laugh.
50. Always do your out of class assignments as early as you can. You never know when your friends will come to you with something fun to do on any given night, and last minute all-nighters suck.
51. If you have a shit-ton of work to do and your friends stop by with news that a cool "up and coming" band is in town for one show that night, go to the concert. Especially if you haven't heard of them.
52. Download and listen to as much classic rock music as you can. The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, GnR, Ozzy, Led Zeppelin... People of all ages love them for a reason.
53. Do not listen to ANY music that has autotuning in it. That just means the singer really sucks without electronic assistance. If your friends find out you listen to that crap you deserve to be laughed at.
54. Even if you do enjoy it, never brag about liking rap. It isn't music, it's an electronically produced baseline with a guy talking over it. He's usually saying how he hates whitey, but also wants to fuck white women.
55. Pay attention to the lyrics of songs before singing them out loud while listening to your iPod on the bus, or in a restaurant, or anywhere. If they're words that you wouldn't say in front of your parents, I guarantee you that strangers don't want to hear them, and you'll look like a tool. Actually, just don't sing or hum along to anything in public. You'll look like a tool.
56. If your girlfriend puts on a strap-on, walk out.
57. Only friend people on FaceBook that you know and have met in the real world. Delete ones you don't care about or have had a falling out with. Staying FB friends with people you hate or people you don't know at all will come back to bite you in the future over some stupid thing you post when you're drunk or pissed.
58. Close your FaceBook account to all outsiders. Don't let any strangers know when you're leaving your apartment for Christmas, how you tickled your girlfriend till she peed last night, or that your weaknesses are spiders, eating shellfish, or Raul's Two-Worm Tequila. Hell, even after you block your account to all outsiders never post this shit anyway.
59. Go to as many football or basketball (or whatever sport your college is best known for) games as you can.
60. Don't get wasted before or during any of these games. That's the best way to get a black eye from the much-larger-than-you dude who you will annoy during the course of the game with your drunk (unfunny, but you'll think they are hilarious) shenanigans. Trust me, I was one of those larger-than-the-drunk-asshole guys on many an occasion, and I loved clocking the hell out of their drunk faces after they spilled beer on me or tried to feel up my date.
61. Try something new everyday. A new path to class, a new food at the cafeteria, the Rear Admiral... You never know what you'll like till you try it. Though I guarantee you you and your girlfriend will love the Rear Admiral.
62. Tacos contain all the basic food groups: starch + meat + veggies + cheese + hotsauce.
63. Whenever the Student Theater shows a classic movie that you've heard about but have never seen, watch it. They're usually classics for a reason.
64. Avoid short chicks; you're never going to see eye to eye with a girl that only stands collar bone high.
65. Never have sex with anyone who weighs more than you do. You must communicate this one to your buddies to help you out if your beer goggles get veeeery hazy on a night on the town.
66. Gay porn on anybody's computer is a sign, not a curiosity. If some dude "jokingly" shows you some, he's looking for a nibble.
67. Don't pee outside unless you want to be registered as a sex offender for the rest of your life. (Tammi With An "i" insisted on me putting this one in... It answers a lot of questions I've had.)
68. Don't live online. The hottest girls like to go out and have fun. You won't meet them on FaceBook or WoW.
69. Don't sign up for any dating site while in college. Seriously, you're completely doing it wrong if you can't fine even ONE cute girl in any of your giant auditorium classes. I would KILL to be in that situation again myself. Don't squander it.
70. It is possible to get a yeast infection of the mouth; cottage cheese is not a sign of a woman's libido. (Another pearl of wisdom from Tammi With An "i".)
71. Never decide to room with somebody unless you've seen them drunk beforehand.
72. Don't assume your professors care about you. Most don't give a shit how many little yuppie larva they have to teach a year, they're just counting down the days till their cushy retirement. Some won't even know your name at the end of the semester.
73. Get to know your professors. No, don't try and brown-nose them, or attempt to be their buddy (this will impress no one, especially your friends), but just let them know who you are in their class. It's much easier to get help from them for a paper or a final if they can put a name and a face together, and it shows interest in their menial classes. They eat that shit up.
74. Go drinking on St. Patrick's Day.
75. Go drinking on Cinco de Mayo.
76. Crash a party in your apartment complex.
77. Do NOT get engaged in college. If you must, you can become monogamous to a girl, but you haven't experienced enough life yet to make that final giant decision.
78. Don't copy large blocks of text from online for any kind of paper you have to turn in. There's a thing called Google. Professors use it to easily find cheaters who try and pull this crap.
79. If a cute girl sits next to you in a not-full class, she thinks you're cute. Act on it.
80. If a girl sits next to you every time you are in a class together, but she keeps looking back at some angry fellow behind you, she's trying to make her ex-boyfriend jealous. Let her, and give her the right cell number, but expect a drunk dial from her ex who wants to "pound your ass into the sand."
81. If a girl sits next to you every time you are in a class together, and every time you look at her you find she's looking at your notes or your test answers, she's cheating off your paper. Let her, but give her the wrong cell number when she flirts with you.
82. If a girl moves to another seat every time you try to sit next to her in class, let her go. Stalking is really uncool, and besides, everyone can see you failing...at least wait until after class to get shot down.
83. Yeah, Jimmy Buffet is kind of cool (sort of), but don't tell anyone you know any of his songs. They'll think you're just a stoner.
84. Don't try to impress a girl by taking her to a really expensive restaurant on your first date. She's just as broke as you are. She understands you're no Daddy Warbucks.
85. No matter how broke you are, never let her pay for your date, even if you have to bum $20 off your roommates. You will NEVER see her naked if you let her pick up the tab. More than likely she was just testing you when she offered anyway.
86. Ending up on the Deans List is good, ending up on the campus police Most Wanted List not so much. If you find yourself on either of these lists but don't WANT to be, try getting on the other list. In the end it's your choice.
87. You must understand that at 18 years-old you know NOTHING. I must reiterate this: NOTHING. Trust me, I'm much, much older than you and even I admit that I know nothing at this point in my life, but I do know that I knew even less at your age. You're not a genius at anything (NOBODY is at your age), despite the fact that even though you took one intro to psychology class you think you're Sigmund fucking Freud. You will not know anything until you're about 65 or 70 years-old. Accept that and you'll live a very happy life.
88. And finally, no matter what happens to you, no matter what anybody does to you, no matter what you choose to do, be a MAN about it. If a girl dumps you, don't cry over it — fuck that bitch! Go out drinking with the guys. If you fail a class, fuck it! Go out drinking with the guys. If you get arrested for public intoxication after drinking with the guys, fuck it! A night in the drunk tank won't kill you. Always look at the big picture and realize that unless you murder someone or rape a cow, nothing you do at college will ultimately count for anything... Unless you have a douchebag friend who takes pictures of everything and posts them online within minutes. Seriously, you need to stop hanging out with that dick.

So there you have it, dear nephew of mine. That's all the advice that a shit-ton of drunk 30-somethings can offer you as you prepare to enter adulthood by going off to live on your own at the University of your choosing (Pssssssst! UGA is the greatest school of all time! Go there!). Live well, heed our warnings, and you will do just fine. And I promise I'll bail you out once. Everybody gets ONE.

 

03/02/2011