Code Name: Kuni the Direct Descendant
File Name: Kuni Ling-Li Hyeon
Primary Team Rossman Specialty: Kung-fu mad skills... No, not really.
Goal in Life: To be able to eventually beat up a two-year-old. Then he'll finally move on to picking fights with the elderly.
Kuni likes to go to karaoke bars all the time, but the truth is that he utterly sucks at singing... That is if he even remembers the words (or can even read the words on the screen). I took this picture of him where after less than one verse into George Michael's I Want Your Sex he had to resort to humming. What's even more weird/disturbing is that he then spent the entire rest of the song rubbing his crotch against his hot sister, Kim Chi. Goddammit! He stole my act from me before I could do it!
One of Kuni's other favorite pasttimes is spray painting
all around town that I "suck". He thinks that he's so cool and that he's an artist because he can write "The Rossman licks lots of testes" on garbage cans. Normally he doesn't even spell it right. I've convinced him that "testes" is spelled "titties" though, so that at least helps my image a bit.
Kuni is a dick.
That's basically all you need to know about him.
I met Kuni when we were both in Ms. Hind's kindergarten class. I was trying to draw a dinosaur and needed a green crayon. Kuni had taken all of the green crayons to stick up his nose though. Luckily he couldn't fit the last one in and so I didn't have to kill him. Well, luckily for him that is. That mistake has come back to bite me on the ass numerous times over the years.
Kuni is my good friend/sworn enemy (his words). He's Asian but he does not even he knows what country his honorable ancestors are from. He thinks that because he's Asian he knows kung-fu and ninjitsu and shit, but he's really just a big pussy. I saw a midget kick his ass about a week ago. Later he claimed that his black eye and bleeding innards were actually caused by the Red Ninja Clan of the Murasame. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I had Robot Pedro recorded the whole attack with the midget. I'll probably just post it online along with the film of his spying on his hot sister while she changed for a date with that one asshole last Friday who wasn't me.
Kuni is perhaps the world's biggest pervert, and yes, that list includes me as well. At least I never stalk my own sister and follow her into the shower with a video camera. Kuni's sister on the other hand, has to contend with both her brother and me doing just that. Kim Chi, Kuni's sister, doesn't seem to mind much, which really scares me, but also really turns me on.
It amazes me though, the lengths that Kuni will go to in order to get a simple panty-shot of his sister. One time I hung out with him all day as he stalked her as she walked around downtown Atlanta. Kuni had this little Super 8 video camera and he would only look at Kim Chi through it's viewer in order to get that "one super hyper ultra-man panty yes shot!" I found out later that he bought her the outfit that she wore that day (this mini-skirted number that didn't even cover half of her ass), and he convinced her that the best places to visit in Atlanta all had at least 10 stairs leading up to them. Let me tell you something, the man may be an incestuous perv, but he knows how to make a damn fine movie! I might just review and rate it sometime. Two thumbs waaaay up.
I'm also torn about my feelings for Kuni's infatuation for Kim Chi. On one hand, I want her all to myself. On the other hand, I think she's more appetizing on film and in pictures, and Kuni's eye is the only one I trust to capture her bust, I mean BEAUTY, so perfectly.
Speaking of Kuni's
sister (Kim Chi), she's a hottie!! Kuni's always able to trick
me into doing things by either having Kim Chi ask me to do it or
by offering to let me watch her take an hour-long milk bath. It's pretty humiliating
what he can get away with under those conditions. Once I let
him beat me in a Dead or Alive X-Box 360 match with the promise of letting me watch his sister climb a stair master for 30 minutes in a leotard. Another time I even let him copy a term paper for 75% of our final grade in our Western Civilization History 512 class (I really only gave him a photocopied excerpt from Dave Barry's Why Are Men Dum? book.... what's worse is he got a better grade than I did). His payment to me for that was the most worthy photo spread of Kim Chi's nude, morning, yoga stretching exercises. One time Kuni even had Kim Chi talk dirty in front of a video camera for 20 minutes! That tape cost me dearly. I refuse to even tell anybody what I had to do to get it.
Kuni's family as a whole is really weird too. They've been living here in the States for like a good 25 or so years and yet they still seem to be confused by our "mysterious American ways" (just like Balki in Perfect Strangers!) and continue to get themselves into wacky situations week after week where they misinterpret our Western customs and either end up red faced or staring at a "murder one" rap. I don't think his parents know English too well either, and I fully believe that whenever Kuni gets Kim Chi to say sexy things to me that she thinks she's just giving me a recipe for sushi and rice balls or something.
The top picture on the left was taken just seconds after Kuni looked across the room and stated, "Kuni can kick noisy girl's ass! Little girl about to get spank on by Kuni." His comment was in reference to the 5 year-old girl who wouldn't shut the fuck up about wanting to get some ice-cream for dessert, or a My Little Pony, or some shit that little bitches want. Anyway, just seconds after this photo was taken that same little girl (who happened to overhear Kuni) came over and punched my Asian friend right in the yin-yang (at my suggestion), and Kuni toppled like China at the hands of the Mongols.
Notice that Kuni's wearing a red UGA hat too. He thinks he can be as cool as me if he dresses like me. Later on, I had the same little girl set his hat on fire while he was still squirming around on the ground, clutching his frank and beans, shouting "Shiiiit! Fucking shiiiiiiiit!" like a total wuss.
Kuni's favorite thing to do, besides stalking his own sister and spray painting that I am a "cunt" on bathroom walls, is to flick people off -- and he doesn't even do it right half the time. He likes to flip-the-bird to old ladies and babies a lot because he found out the hard way that everybody else can and does beat him the fuck up.
He even made up a holiday for giving people the finger. He calls it "Happy Fuck You Day" -- and he says it when he flicks strangers off. Apparently every day is Happy FU Day. One time he said it to this Navy SEAL dude by mistake and it took Dr. Dave a full 3 hours to remove Kuni's extended middle finger from his rectum. But that didn't even slow Kuni down! Within an hour of recovering (in which he mostly spent smelling his now freed digit) he was back on the streets wishing people a nice Happy FU Day! He's no quitter.
Just to prove my
point about how I am Kuni's bitch when something involving his sister is at stake, Kuni got Kim Chi to pose for me nekkid, as a drawing model,
for the afternoon if I let him finish up writing stuff here on his own Rossman Peoples page.... Shit.
Hello you internet people! I am the grate Kuni. I kick the Rossman's ass end every day and he likes it more than that! I also killed a man with my bear hands. I killed his dog too. Well, I had help from my awesome car, but I was the driving one! How many people like naked hot Asian man? I know you are hoping so out there!! I will show you some time.
I want o talk about the Rossman now. He thinks that I am not cool but that is notvery true! I can make him do everything because I am awesome hurting him if he does not do all I said to do. I even hurt his Robot when he look away! I hate all that Robots! It is very stupid Robot and not does like all the awesome Bruce Lee made movies I show him.
I ate a bug one time when the Rossman said that I wouldnot eat that bug! I made him wrong! Okay, it was not a bug. It was one mouse. But I still made him say he was stupid!
I can say anything I want here! The Rossman eats awesome dog shit! I can eat seven bowls of chili! I can kick a whole in a wood piece if I want to!! I am awesome! I am a whore! I am the world biggest whore and all the people know it!
(Note from the Rossman: I told Kuni that "whore" means "man with enormous genitals")
Kuni Quote: "Kuni would like to go to lunch, but battery is out in camera in Kim Chi's room, and Kuni has to fix it before Kim Chi is home tonight to undress."