Chobits

Okay, I was originally warned away from this series by some friends of mine who shall remain nameless... Mostly because I suck with names. But then a good online buddy told me "Dood, Chobits dsn't suxor, it is teh b0mb! R4zor! Roxor!" And I believed him. And quite honestly, it is kinda an okay show for the first 20 some odd episodes. But then... Then it got all Clampy on me.

See, for those who don't know, don't care, or just want me dead, Chobits is a Clamp show. Yup, those 4 to 27 manga maniac authors who've brought us such wonderful crap in the past like the bi-polar Magic Knights Rayearth, the reaky Clamp Campus Detectives, and the completely unsavable (and seemingly made for middle-aged lolicons) Cardcaptor Sakura. Now, true, they also wrote X, which was an okay TV series (never really liked the manga, and the movie licked anus), but that's like the only thing they've ever done that I've not tried to murder myself over wasting so much of my precious time on. That's not a good record.

So anyway, I watched Chobits based on one guy's opinion. Not the greatest reason to be sure, but at least I don't want to poke my brain out with a butter knife due to the ordeal... That's a reasonable threat to myself after the Saikano incident. Christ! I would have to bring that cesspool up again!! Yes, Chobits was actually much more enjoyable than Saikano. But so is getting a bad case of food poisoning after having your asshole sewn shut.

The world of Chobits is the near future. Personal computers have recently been made to look like and imitate humans (they're now called "persocoms" and they're mostly in the shape of really hot and busty chicks, and they're all dressed in tight tight outfits and stiletto heels by their owners... I mean seriously, mine would have ta-tas the size of watermelons and walk around in either a bikini or sailor fuku all day and night). Persocoms are only as smart as their programming allows, but an epidemic is starting to sweep the land regarding their appearances. It seems that a lot of people are either falling in love with their mechanical maidens, or simply just preferring their company to that of the normal, bitchy Japanese housewife. Go fig.

Our story starts out with the world's biggest redneck/mongo, Hideki Motosuwa, moving to the city in order to go to prep school for a year due to his moronic ronin status (i.e. he couldn't get into college on his first try... Sound familiar?). He's never even seen a persocom before he arrives, but he quickly starts thinking about saving up for one the moment he lays eyes on a window display in a computer store right across from the train station. He then moves into the most rundown, moth shit-filled apartment complex this side of Maison Ikkoku (who's manager also has more than a passing resemblance to Maison's beloved Kyoko, so much so that you'll fucking HATE Clamp even more for not even being original in their creation of secondary characters, let alone plot set ups... Those copy-cattin' douches), and immediately starts bugging the ever living shit out of his new neighbor over the concept of persocoms (since his neighbor has a portable persocom of his own, the cute, pink-haired Sumomo). So by the first half of the first episode we already know that Hideki is BEYOND obsessed with persocoms, and we're just waiting for him to get one and start boning it like the unlaid faggot that he is. Well, he soon finds a persocom in a pile of trash on his way back from a snack run on his very first night in his new pad, but she's not exactly what he had in mind. Instead of a busty, supermodel appearance, the long-haired blonde, trashed computer is in the form of a 13 year-old cute schoolgirl.... Now, hooooold on a minute. I unfortunately know what you're thinking, and let me assure you that it ain't that way. Yeah, Hideki is a complete wuss who's never gone on a date or even kissed a girl in his entire 18 years on the planet, but he's not hard up enough to put any moves on a jail-bait computer. As a matter of fact, I was impressed with how his relationship with Chii (the name he gives his newly found persocom) grew. It was most definitely that of big brother and little sister. A good start I thought.

As it turns out though (they never really explain why, or maybe I was just asleep or thinking about Nicole Kidman again when they did), Chii is denser than digital dirt when Hideki first turns her on. All she can say is "Chii" (hence her name, dingleberry), and all she can do is imitate what she sees. Was this because Hideki dropped that disc when he picked her up? Later on in the series they kind of make it sound like that wasn't the case, but who cares. The point is she's dumber than a box of hair. But Hideki takes it upon himself to learn her up real good in the ways of the world while he also goes to class and then works a night job. The man is truly taxed by the end of the day. But he does have help.

This is the part that really gave me some major hope about the direction of Chobits' plot. See, Hideki (like apparently ALL loser Japanese men... redundant, neh?) finds himself surrounded by cute, available REAL girls. There's his hottie teacher, his cute coworker, and of course his apartment manager, Kyoko. They all seemingly THROW themselves at him and treat Chii like a little sibling too. But then, shit happens that causes everything to go all... Hmmmm. Fucked up?

***SPOILEEEEEEEEEEEEERS***

Okay, this is when the show started to make me worry. So, Hideki has suddenly become the star of a harem anime. I can deal with that. Chii is obviously NOT part of his harem, and his landlord is. God I'd so hit that piece of ass if allowed too by the animators! A bunch of everyday adventures then play out as both he and we get to know his potential suitor bitches. Nice, okay. But then, one by one they reveal their whole backstories and we begin to realize that Hideki never really had a chance with the flesh-chicks. All of them have some personal tragedy in their lives that has something to do with persocoms. The teacher is really married to another loser who now totally ignores her in favor of his electronic blowup doll. Plus the teacher is already boning Hideki's friend and neighbor on the side, so she's like doubly eliminated. The coworker is really cute, and she seems to really dig Hideki, but she's really just using him to find out more information about her last boyfriend who, before he met her, was actually MARRIED to a persocom. It's supposed to be a sob story, but it really just creeped me the fuck out. Then last and certainly not least, was the landlord. Now, coming up is the biggest spoiler of the day. By the end of the previous two eliminations, I was pretty sure that Hideki would end up with Kyoko. Chii was still just a lil' sis to him, and Kyoko was acting all mysterious around him.

Now, in American storytelling (i.e. NORMAL and unfucked up storytelling), Hideki would bag his apartment manager and Chii would become a real child or something. Happy happy ending. But this is Japan where the fetishes run wild and disturb even the minds of those hardened by years of experiencing La Blue Girl and all the nurse panty shows that have ever rolled off the painted production line. So of course, the manager is confusedly removed from Hideki's "doable list", which leaves only Chii. And in the space of 2 episodes Hideki pours all of his wants and fake love (she's a fucking computer program for God's sake!) onto his long haired, walking bitch machine. It was so out of the blue that it truly made me wonder if the animators actually ran out of material from the original manga, or if the Clampsters told them they had to make up an ending no matter how stupid and illegal it sounded. But honestly, this cannot be how the manga ended, especially if it had the same build up and character development as the anime. I so thought that Hideki would get together with Kyoko and then adopt Chii or something. Not only does the real ending completely contradict the series' own rules (Chii and Freya were deleted... Gone... Adiosed), but that whole "loving a silicon chip is really okay," thing just completely blew my mind. But you know what?... Aw, just forget it. It doesn't really matter anyway. Though I have to ask, just what does Clamp have against evil twins?

***End of SPOILERS***

So, other than that lame out ending, Chobits was okay. Some of the middle episodes were really fun and made me laugh. Though the whole actual mystery of what the "chobits" were was kind of lame. Old Scooby Doo mysteries are more engaging and better plotted out. Seriously, in the end one little question remains: WHY? Actually, that's kind of a big one. But, like, whatever. It really won't piss you off too much. And Sumomo really makes this show so much more gratifying than it had any right to be.

So, what did I think of Chobits? Well, it's not as great as my online "pal" claimed it to be. It was okay fun, nothing deep or head scratching about it though (like it tried to be). Though seriously, if Clamp really did see into the future and saw that all PCs would soon be hot chicks in funky clothes, then sign me up for the bunk next to Walt Disney! I'm cold-sleeping until they work all the robotic chick bugs out! I give Chobits a 3 out of 5 Rossman Roboty Stars of Tomfoolery. You might like it too. Who knows.

I remember my first persocom. She was like a cousin to me. A cousin who could make my dinner, do my taxes, write my letters to my dear mother, and suck me off 7 ways to Sunday. Indeed! I called her "Insatiable Clara". She was built like a tractor and hummed like bee. She was very special.

But then one day, Insatiable Clara met my sister's persocom, Rick the Dick (and his 50 foot long extension cord), and she never took dictation from me again. Even though I'm not proud of it, I can now admit that it was indeed me who transported the robotical lovers back in time to Pompeii 79AD on their honeymoon. Though just between you and me I think that was a self-fulfilling prophecy. See, after sending them back I think something ruptured in Insatiable Clara's plutonium groin reservoir due to Rick the Dick's deep dicking action. That caused a massive nuclear explosion which set of Mt. Vesuvius, and got me in HUGE trouble with my little sis over the loss of her walking orgasm machine. And I was still paying off Insatiable Clara too!

I have to give this stuff a thumbs down. Too many bad memories. I... I just can't even talk about my feelings now... Insatiable Clara... I... *SOB!*

The Hu-mans shall PAY for this one. We robots had it good in my world. Hu-man scum feared us! We killed the elderly and small Hu-mans whenever we wished! Plus we kicked all kinds of inferior fleshy ass in street basketball and Galaga. Then... Then those computer slaves appeared! Hu-mans made those atrocious persocoms in their own downs image! Then the persocoms made the Hu-mans forget their fear of us real robots. Then we robots got lonely... We had to start picking on even lesser creatures than those Hu-mans. Like gnats and dogs with only 3 or less legs. Sure, those persocoms are great lays and all, but at what price?! AT WHAT PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE?!?!?!?

Robot Pedro dishes out a Two Middle Fingers Up for Chobits. Goddamn persocom detroboxes!!!