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The Old-Time ROSSMAN


FUZUKI: "Boss! I have the perfect idea for our next show! It'll make us MILLIONS!"

BOSS: "Fuzuki, you do understand that 'millions of yen' really ain't that much... But continue."

FUZUKI: "Okay, so like Cowboy Bebop was like the greatest show ever made, right? So step one is that we make a show that people might MISTAKE for it, and then step three is profit!"

BOSS: "This intrigues me... Explain to me how we accomplish 'step one' as if I have a brain the size of a 6 week-old cow fetus..."

FUZUKI: "Okay, we start with the name: Cowboy Bebop -- It screams 'old American West' and 'American music stylings of days gone by.' So, we use some similar English words when we make our own 'Cowboy Bebop!' Saaaaay, instead of 'cowboy' we use the word 'coyote.' Coyotes start with 'C' and they're in the American West too! Plus, alphabetically they follow right behind the word 'cowboy' on store shelves!"

BOSS: "Brilliant!! But what about the 'Bebop' part?... 'Coyote She-Bop?' Wasn't that a Cyndi Lauper song from the 80s?"

FUZUKI: "How about 'Ragtime!' It's up-tempo, whatever that means, and it'll appeal to chicks on the rag as well! How can we lose?!"

BOSS: "Coyote Ragtime? Brilliant!! But what about plot and characters? Aren't those important too?"

FUZUKI: "Eh, we'll just rip off the main players from Bebop: the sarcastic lead, the kid, the old, black guy, and the hot chick... In fact we'll throw in over a dozen hot chicks, and call it a day."

BOSS: "Fuzuki, eh?... I see big things for you, lad. Tell me, would you mind sleeping with my 13 year-old daughter? She's into that kind of thing."

FUZUKI: "Mind?! Only if I get to keep her used panties when we're done!"


And THAT's exactly how the idea to make Coyote Ragtime Show came to happen. There's no other explanation. Not that this series was godawful or anything, but all it does is try to be other, more popular shows that have come before. Coyote Ragtime is equal parts Cowboy Bebop, Lupin III, Sol Bianca, Outlaw Star, Cube and Oh Brother Where Art Thou. Truly. There's even a Blues Brothers scene in a church that is completely out of place and bizarre, and thrown in just for the hell of it. And CRS is stretched a little thin as well. It's only 12 episodes long, but it really only had enough material for 6. If they had used the impressive animation budget of the first episode throughout, and crammed everything into a 6 episode OVA, this thing might have been a really fun trip. Unfortunately they did not. But I digress.

Coyote Ragtime Show is all about a guy known only as Mister, a big-time crook who happens to know where the most gimungous stash of stolen cash in the universe is hidden. The only problem is that Mister is in jail for a simple traffic citation, and his sentence isn't over until after the planet this loot is buried on is scheduled to be destroyed (hyperspace by-pass or some such shit). So some of Mister's men bust him out, and then the reformed gang has to gather the rest of the crew and make a mad dash for the doomed planet before the two warring factions fighting over the space-rock either discover the treasure or blow it up like they threatened to do.

Also involved is some buxomly galactic detective who's on Mister's trail (for what reason she hounds him we're NEVER told... something to do with her getting pissed over his surfing abilities I'm guessing), and Madame Marciano's 12 Sisters (12 psychotic android girls who like to maim, murder and be all goth). Madame Marciano is just some fucked up gangster wannabe who is after the treasure and Mister herself because she's totally one dimensional and forgettable.

Do not be fooled by CRS's first episode. The first episode was fun, fast, loud and a blast to watch. It builds and builds until a huge bloodbath (incredibly gorgeous and hyperly violent) occurs when the 12 Sisters make the scene. This episode got me hopping and hoping that this insane pace would keep up till the very end. Unfortunately it did not. Episode 2 was a little slower, but still fun, as we switched sides and began following a different main character. Episode 3 then slowed down some more, etc, until the end. The end of the series had such grand possibilities too, as there were 4-5 different sides to a rather large conflict on the doomed planet on which the booty was buried... but nothing really came from this. This could have been an epic, balls-to-the-wall, all-out battle, but it felt small and wasted. And don't get me started on Mister's plan to get this hidden money back... Meaning WHAT plan? There was one part to the plan: Get the money. No elaborate Lupin III schemes or nothin'... And what was up with the bank vault that they had to get into? That GigaBanks vault was like fifty yards (tops) in diameter, but inside it was like the size of Chicago, with no talk of subspace or it being an illusion or anything. Lazy storytelling if you ask me. And even if you didn't ask, you should have.

Other than there not being any twists or turns in the plot, or any reasons for half of the actions of the characters involved, this show wasn't bad. Simply bland. Mister and his crew were kind of fun to hang out with, but they weren't doing enough. Honestly, a single episode of Cowboy Bebop held more excitement and action than half of the whole of Coyote. Though Cowboy never once had a monkey bartender in its cast. I checked.

So, the final count is: CB - 57, CRS - 1 (for the monkey bartender). Not very good odds. So I'll give this show a not very good rating. I give Coyote Ragtime Show a "C". Average, with a monkey bartender. If you want a good space cowboy show, get the Bebop. If you want a good caper anime, go watch Castle of Cagliostro. If you want a drawn-out copy of a great anime, then you should watch Coyote Ragtime. It seems that they even bet the farm that they'll get a second season green-lighted (they are OBVIOUSLY counting on a sequel), so it's up to us to make sure that it never gets made.

The Lone Wolf

This show reminded me of that time I got me some Hooch, but then had some piggies start flashing their lights at me for the court-ordered inspection that I was supposed to adhere to, as was stipulated by my most heinous guilty plea that my lawyer (the Skipper) made me take during my most recent trial, Holmes. If I gots caught with any puffers, sniffers or drinkies on my person the cops were allowed to either beat my ass black and blue, or throw me back in my cell at the county jail that I shared with my mortal enemy, Ben Dover. So I floored it.

I got enough of a lead on the bitches to take the time to hide all 240 bottles of Hooch in the attic of some abandoned house on the outskirts of da ghetto, G, then I led the porkers on a chase all the way through downtown Atlanta, where I faked my own death by driving my car off of the 51st floor of the Georgia-Pacific Building (it was a bitch and a half cramming my Bronco into the elevator) with Jimmy Jammer's body behind the wheel. She blew up real pretty-like when she met the pavement.

Anyway, it took me 14 days, but I was finally able to make it back to Athens, and that house with all my Hooch... Only problem was that they fuckin' bulldozed that whole goddamn house into the ground, and built another mothafuckin' DQ in its place! My booze was below its spankin' new parking lot! Man!... Not even a double-chili burger with two greasy fries and an M&M Blizzard made me feel better after that. So then I stole Jimmy Jammer's car (wait, can you really steal something from the dead?) and pawned his entire collection of ancient Playboys, Husslers, and Piss On My Cocks, and got enough Benjamins to buy an additional 240 bottles of my mad Hooch. Hoo-hah, bitch! That's called "full circle" my brotha.

This show did NOT go full circle though. It just went from "good" to "suck," and not back again. I gives it a thumbs down.

The WOLFMAN Jazz Show

Bebop and Ragtime... Fuck 'em both. The Wolfman eats coyotes for breakfast too. If they named this piece of shit "Wolfman HeadBanger's Show" and threw in tons of satanic, kick-ass visuals, then they might have had a winner. But nobody ever comes to the Wolfman first... Nope. They only come to the Wolfman after they go and fuck things up and need things fixed up right. The Wolfman is sick of that shit, let me tell you.

And if they had asked, the Wolfman would not have recommended that they make the ending credits out of Robot Chicken rejected animation. Did the director's 4 year-old kid make that shit?

The Wolfman will eat this Coyote Show's soul.