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Aim, squeeze, kill...
Zee French love their naked statues.
The Anti-Frenchie ROSSMAN

A French assassin takes a young, naive protégé under his wing and together they kill many people to the delight of the audience, but just not to the pleasure of those getting "hit". Think I'm talking about Luc Besson's Leon: The Professional? Nope. Though instead of saying "his" I should have said "her" and mentioned that the older killer had a set of big boobies. Yup, that's right, I'm talking about the anime TV show Noir. Is it as good as Leon? No, but what really is.

Noir has a lot of things going for it though. It's all about this hot French (really she's Corsican) chick who kills people for a living and wears tight, short skirts and sexy boots. She's pretty good at what she does, but soon she meets up with a young Asian girl with amnesia who turns out to be even better and snuffing out life than the French girl! Mireille, the Frenchie, agrees to team up with Kirika, the amnesiac Asian, and together they wipe out what must be half of the European underworld with all of the assignments that they take.

It starts out really cool (with incredible muzak and sweet choreography for all the fight and assassination scenes), but kinda drags for a few early episodes while we just lather, rinse and repeat the plot to a generic "job of the week" storyline. But in the end, those episodes are very important. They set up how Kirika and Mireille (who take the well known and ancient name "Noir" as their working title) gell together and learn to trust eachother. Plus the music rocks!

Soon though, we get to meet the enigmatic Chloe. Chloe is a total badass who lets her flying daggers do most of her talking. She also claims to be the real and official Noir. Then we get tons of revelations. There's talk about Soldats, a kind of Illuminati (or secret world government), and their role in the Noir mythos. We also get introduced to Altena (the woman I'd most like to slap if I ever slapped women) and some of Mireille's still living family. Plus the music is kickin' in all the right places and sweeping in all the rest.

I always like to play the soundtrack on a portable cd player when I'm out in the neighborhood avoiding and attempting to shoot the many ninja and hired assassins that always end up trying to track me down for the mullah that Robot Pedro put on my head a few months ago. But since it's just so much damn fun taking them out left and right with my personal stash of throwing stars and uzis while listening to the Noir symphony and chorus belt it into high gear, I've just never had the heart to tell any of them that Robot Pedro doesn't even have the $12.67 that he said he'd pay them if they ever did decapitate my ass.

What did I think of Noir? T'is a damn fine show. DAMN fine. See it now. Cheer for the main heroines. Dance dance to the musical revolutions! And feel confidant that I gave it a 6.5 out of 7 Golden Nuggets of Rossman Power and Principle! What I liked most about Noir is that the ending is a great ending, but it's also left wide open for the inevitable Noir 2. God bless commercialism!

Crusty and smelly.  Just like the French!
The Noir-y SKIPPER

Arrrrrrrrr! Me thinks that this Noir character is a bit of a fizzle. I tried to get a contract out on that dickhead, Kuni, a while ago but this Noir bitch was nowhere to be found. In the end I had to give Carl fifty cents to smack the ass-pirate around for a bit himself.

That's false advertising that is. Ya don't make an entire show about people killing people for money to pimp up your company unless you're listed in the telephone book. That be common courtesy. Arrrrrr!

What a lying sack of whale excrement! I'm still pretty pissed off me anchor 'bout the whole "impossible to find" thing. Me thinks that this Noir be a bit like the A-Team in that respect. Arrrrr. "If you need them, and IF you can find them" sort of a deal. I give Noir a Finger Up for jacking me around.

Kill Kuni NOW!!!!
KUNI (with a hit out on his ass)

*For today's review the part of "Kuni" will be played by a French assassin with a horrible and outrageous accent*

Oh ho ho ho hoooooo! Vat eez zees? A television program about zee infamoos assassin, Noir? Oui oui, my lovely and unshaven petite. Zee Noir eez one of zee few professionals een my line of business zat got zee zhump on me and my homosexual buddies while we where practicing our aim wis our... how do you say, gay shaft pumping? Oui. You get zee idea.

Anyway, eet was not a pretty picture eef you could imagine. Pepe had his tiny penis in Franco's ass as I zat in zee corner taking many photos for our website, www.frogsex.org. Oh ho ho hoooo, vhat a messy messy night zat was. Zhen zees two skinny beeches came crashing thru our window and shot zee smelly sheet out of all ov uz! Holy fook! Jacque, who vas in zee bathroom pulling heez pubes out wis tweezers in preparation for heez close up pictures got both of heez nuts shot the fook off! As I lay zhere dying een a puddle of my own blood and cum, zee blonde girlie of zee Noir team came up to me and made me defile my own mind and body by repeatedly making sweet sweet love to her in ways that normal men could never imagine. Then zee beech left and took my goddamn Taster's Choice with her too! Fook Noir! Fook zem both oop zare stoopeed asses!!!!

Noir eez a nasty word to me now. Zherefore I moost give Noir a negative thumb up. Vhere eez this "negative thumb" you ask? Oh ho ho ho hoooooO! I think you already know.