Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt

I have never wanted to knee a television show in its nuts more than I did after watching Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt. The absolute and utter WASTE of man hours that this festering mound of weasel turds represents just saddens me. This has got to be one of the absolute worst things ever made... And I'm including the Third Reich, AIDs, and Two and a Half Men in that statement. I want to travel back in time to the beginning of this show's inception and assassinate everybody in the goddamn room. Fuck you all, you heartless and godless heathens! You made a shit ton of poor Korean animators put this piece of evil together in order to torture the hapless world of anime fans who don't know any better than to watch whatever's been put on the air without questioning its quality. Burn in HELL.

Firstly I have to ask, why do so many people think that I'll like complete and utter pieces of crap — like this show — just because of who made it (my once beloved Studio Gainax)? (P&SwG was at the top of the request list that readers told me I would simply love unconditionally.) Yes, Studio Gainax is a god among animation studios (on the whole), but they've proven in the past that they're not infallible (and in some cases that they outright hate their viewers). Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt is just horrendous. It's a complete and total train wreck, and it even knows it. It really knows that it's got no redeeming values (it looks terrible [like a 4 year-old crack-baby drew it], it's not funny, the plot is just silly dumb, and worst of all the characters just blow). That would be fine and dandy by itself, but the only real problem is that fat, blithering otaku the world over DON'T GET THE JOKE.... Meaning the joke is on each of those bloated, Cheeto-stained losers who think that ALL anime is glorious by default, and thusly sing the praises of animated torture, such as this series, in order to try and get others to see that they are awesome. They are not "awesome," and P&SwG still sucks rotten roadkill ass.

Let me just dive right into this fetid pile of rancid dog shit. There's just no way to handle this disaster with kid gloves. The designs SUCK — that's the very first thing you notice when you watch this thing. It looks like they TRIED to emulate The Powerpuff Girls' art style, but they missed the charm and personality of everything in it. Everything in Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt is ugly, not cute. And yes, I understand that that is what they were aiming for, but that doesn't make the character designs (and architecture, and everything else) more appealing. It's like saying "Yes, I understand that the artist made a sculpture of Barack Obama using nothing but cat vomit and monkey poo... But it doesn't look vomitous and smell like a month-old deer carcass because he MEANT it to look all gloppy, and sticky, and runny, and stinky." No, it smells because it's made of SHIT.

Oh, and yeah, so they tried to rip off the art stylings of The Powerpuff Girls and Samurai Jack, but it looks like most of the time they just used cheap-o Flash animation to make the characters move! It doesn't even appear like any time or love was put into this thing. It looks like this whole production was slopped together by some second rate art student from a 5th rate community college in a lonely afternoon after he got salsa all over his shirt and used that as his excuse to not go out in public for the day. On top of that, they couldn't even come up with original character designs of their own! For Christsake, they completely ripped off Invader Zim's Gir for one of the main characters!

I, uh, I just want to lie down. You can't hear me but I'm actually yelling at my computer like Lewis Black while I type this. Just the absolute GALL of Studio Gainax — once mighty Studio Gainax — to throw this mung at their loyal masses and expect them all to bend over backwards and ask for a bigger broomstick handle to be shoved up their collective asses! GODDAMMIT!

..............

..............

Okay, I think I'm calm enough now to talk about the "plot" of this waste-of-resources series. We follow Panty and Stocking Anarchy, who are two sisters who are thrown out of Heaven (for being stupid and whorish... Christ, it just hit me, they're making fun of Paris Hilton and Firecrotch Lohan here, aren't they) and settle down in Daten City, just outside both the Pearly Gates and the dominion of Hell. With the help of Garterbelt the preacher, and his "zipper dog" Gir, I mean Chuck, they defeat ghost monsters that haunt the town, and collect the Heaven Coins that the monsters leave behind after exploding, in order to eventually get enough to buy their way back into Heaven to be stupid whores there again.

The first episode has all to do with them fighting a shit monster. Yes. They fight a monster made out of human excrement. Now, I'll admit, there can be some humor there (Dogma showed that there were at least two funny jokes that could be made with a poo monster), but P&SwG cannot even think any further than "Hey! A monster made of shit is funny! Ha ha ha ha! Yes! We are comic geniuses!..... Jokes? What are you talking about? We just made a shit monster! Ha ha ha ha ha! That is the funniest joke ever! Ha ha ha ha!" I swear to you, there IS NO joke made about this shit demon... It is just there.

Let me give you another example of what P&SwG thinks is funny from that very same fecal matter-monster episode. One of the biggest (and by the chunk of time dedicated to it I'd say supposedly "funniest") jokes is centered on a two minute segment of Panty taking a dump. Yes, for two whole minutes we watch a poorly animated whore take a shit. There is a slow lead up of her walking to the bathroom, sitting down, and shitting.... for two minutes. We've hit a new low, people. And I feel I must point out that this is not a Dumb and Dumber-like shit either (where Jeff Daniels is holding on to the bowl for dear life, making hilarious faces, and legs straight out in an involuntary reaction to his violent bowel movement)... It's just a girl sitting on porcelain making poo. It's a scat film. It is most certainly NOT comedy, but this is the episode's biggest gag (pun intended, and strangely enough 10Xs funnier than anything in this series), and it just gets worse from here. They seem to have no concept of what is actually FUNNY.

After that there are episodes about nose picking (not kidding you), puking (whole episodes, mind you), and the ghost of a sperm attacking people because of a shortage of tissue paper. Once again, written by mongoloids, FOR waterheads. Honestly, my friends and I used to tell better (and hell, even raunchier) joke stories to each other during 4th grade recess. Gainax can't even tell funnier jokes than a bunch of geeks and nerds in the 4th fucking grade! Goddammit, Gainax, just die. If it's come to this, it's just time to call it quits.

Oh, and Panty and Stocking are two of the rudest and slappable bitches you've ever met too... Oh holy hell, they DID just parody Paris and the Lohan, didn't they! Ugh. Anyway, they're dumb and rude, and I fucking hate them. Oh, and the "gimmick" of the show is that Panty can turn her panties into guns, and Stocking can transform her stockings into swords...... *Yawn.* The dog Gir Chuck just makes retard noises (you think I'm just exaggerating, don't you) and gets splattered all the time, and Garterbelt (the big, black, giant-afro'd preacher) is into S&M and fucking young boys...... What? Aren't you laughing? Oh, that's right, you're not a complete retard who's been pushed down the cellar stairs 10 times in one day. You're not Gainax's target audience for this thing. Sorry.

Really though, EVERYTHING in this anime COULD be funny, but it's shoved down the viewers' throats so hard that one can't help but choke on the total heavy-handedness of the whole thing. It's like instead of watching Bugs Bunny trick Daffy Duck into asking Elmer Fudd to shoot him, he tricks him into taking a katana, slicing his belly open, and then getting Elmer Fudd to decapitate him. It's just horrific. I think I may have chuckled once this entire series. Maybe. And I think it was because I wasn't paying attention to the show and had remembered that time I sawed Angry Amy's car in half.

Anyway, so there are also antagonists to the whole crew (the Mayor and his daughters), and they're just lame and unoriginal (even by THIS show's standards) copies of Panty, Stocking, Gir Chuck, and Garterbelt. But who gives a crap.

Honestly, I swear to GOD that I thought this show would be good. I went into it thinking I was going to be treated to something Gainaxerrific. I WANTED to love the hell out of it all, I did. But by the end of just the first fifteen minutes I found that I wasn't laughing, and I couldn't believe that something this hideous and stupid had been made, and broadcast, and had advertisement space sold during its run. It's not that I dislike dirty jokes, quite the opposite in fact (hell, I LOVED Ladies Vs. Butlers and Seitokai Yakuindomo! Two of the raunchiest comedies ever made by man!). I LOVE dirty humor, the key word there being "humor." If something is to be a "comedy show" then it must have HUMOR in it. Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt is devoid of all humor. THINKING one is funny does not make one humorous. I honestly wonder about anybody who claims to like this anime. There is simply NO redeeming value for it, or for its fans.

I am sooooo pissed right now. Watching this shitty show made me just as mad as realizing that they were going to animate 8 full goddamn episodes of Haruhi Suzumiya's "Endless Eight" storyline. I just kept thinking to myself, "What a fucking WASTE of time, money, and paint here (well, cheap Flash animation time, not paint per se). And this actually took up the airtime of another show (ANY other show) that could have entertained me in its stead. I award Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt no points, and may God have mercy on its damned soul.

My God! They did it! They actually made me the worst television show of all time! And they even got it done within the time frame I set up, and it looks even shittier than I could have ever dreamed! Man, Gainax sure earned their bedeviled fame this time. This little show will be on all the TVs in Hell for the next 4,000 years! Enjoy your stay, people! I look forward to torturing you for a few millennia with this crap!

I give this beautiful and dreadful Japanese anime 5 out of 5 Pentacles of Perfection!

I seriously think I have to stop watching this Japanese anime. This one made no sense, and apparently thought it was a work of genius for it. I kept asking the Rossman "Is THIS supposed to be funny?" and "Wait, was THAT a joke just then?" By the look of anger/frustration/sickness on his face I'm willing to bet he didn't know the answers either.

And what gets me the most is that somebody actually wrote down "And then we watch this blonde Powerpuff Girl sit down on the toilet, lower her panties, and then take a satisfying dump.... Hold that camera shot for 3 minutes!" ........... And they did. And then somebody had to draw it.

I don't get it, so I really don't think I can rate it. I think I'm too old for this stuff now. Oh, give me some Bubblegum Crisis and Vampire Hunter D and I'll be happy, but you can keep your Panties and Garterbelts and Pantyhose and whatevers.