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Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei

The Sayonara ROSSMAN

Holy goddamn fuck. How the hell does shit like this show get made? Let alone made, worshipped, and then sequelized?! The Japanese have a good, healthy sense of humor (as a whole), so why does completely rancid, juicy shit like this continue to get spewed out of the anus of the Land of the Rising Sun? Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei was an absolute and unmitigated waste of six hours (12 episodes) of my life. I will never get that time back, and I HATE this show for it.

Let's start with the basic plot of this pile of runny diarrhea: There's a teacher who thinks he's got nothing but bad luck in his life, and because of this he constantly tries to kill himself. Now, this idea COULD be funny in a black, dark way — just not here.

This teacher, Itoshiki Nozomu, is kind of sort of saved from one of his suicide attempts by the DUMBEST, STUPIDEST, "PERSON I MOST-WANT-TO-STRANGLE EVER" girl you ever met: Fura Kafuka. Fura is just so dim and retarded that it's not funny. You just want to shoot her in the face and then crap in the remaining gaping, bloody hole. Anyway, Fura kind of saves Itoshiki and then they gab on for a while (and by "gab on" I mean they talk nonsense phrases and pure stupidity for about 6 full minutes of screen time), and then Itoshiki runs away. They meet again in school though when it turns out that Itoshiki is Fura's teacher. Fura proceeds to only call her sensei "Pink Supervisor" because she caught him trying to hang himself under a blooming cherry tree in full blossom... You know, watching 50 episodes of Blossom (starring Joey Lawrence!) would actually have been more enjoyable than this putrid filth. Whoooooa!

Fura, as it turns out, can only see the good in everybody and everything around her. This isn't a good character trait though because she's dumb as a shit brick (a brick made of hardened shit) and gets tricked and talked into doing things easily. Honestly, if she were born back in prehistoric times Darwinism would have ensured her genes did not pass on to the next generation; our modern world, however, does its best to save mongoloids from killing themselves. And this show sucks because of it.

Itoshiki, as it turns out, is just a cynical s.o.b. Not that that's a bad thing per se, but they utterly FAIL to wring any comedy out of it. A stupid, trusting student and her suicidal, bastard of a cold-hearted teacher could have been a glorious combination, however here, each character is written flatter than Keira Knightley's chest. Nobody has anything more than a one note personality, and some not even that much. All they ever do is spit out jokes and punchlines. That aren't even funny.

And speaking of not funny, there's the use of self-censorship in the form of an ugly guy's head being placed over animated naughty bits. The first time they did this I chuckled. But then they did it 50 more times during the first episode alone. Not funny. Oh, then there's the rapid-fire dialogue that the entire script is made up of. One character shoots off a stupid comment faster than that Micro-Machine guy, then without missing a beat (or a full blink of an eye) somebody shoots back with an opposing comment. Then back to the first character, then lather, rinse, repeat ad nauseam. That's, no... Not funny.

"Oh!" You sputter like the simpleton that you are, "It is so teh funny how the teacher only talks about despair and his own personal anguish! *Guffaw!*" No, it's not. This whole thing tries WAY too hard to be funny. It pretends to take itself seriously, but the over-drawn drama is just aggravating and annoying. Annoying aggravation is never funny. And on top of the bing-bang-zoom joke-punchline-response that every line of dialogue is told in, there are messages on the blackboard behind every speaker throughout this entire show. And the text written changes for every quick take (so if a student is shown in front of the board there's say an old saying on wisdom written on it, quick take to somebody else [who may or may not be in front of a blackboard too, with MORE random crap on it], and then back to the first student where the text now says something like "Fuyotoke said he wanted more rice! Rice is tasty!"). Random, stupid text is not funny. And man, all the random stuff in here is even MORE aimless than any Family Guy joke, and at least the Family Guy jokes have a punchline that makes you laugh... Well, sometimes. My laugh ratio for Sayonara Zetsubo Sensei was 0 for 12,421 attempts at humor (at least I think they were attempts at humor... I really couldn't tell for sure). I did chuckle 2 times total I think... Maybe one and a half. For a comedy series that is completely unacceptable.

Sayonara Zetsubo Sensei (which roughly translates as "Farewell Teacher of Despair"... *Guffaw!!*) feels like the writer and director were sniggering while this thing was being completed — slapping their own knees in self congratulatory orgasms of hilariousness — and self proclaiming "We're sooooooo fucking clever and hysterical, aren't we!!!!!!!!" "Oh yes, because it's not really super serious, THAT'S why it is funny!" ".............Oh shit! Akira! We forgot to add the actual HUMOR to this show! Shit, here are all the jokes in my drawer! We never put them in!" "Fuck! Well, maybe they won't notice." We did. Still not funny.

Honest to fucking Christ, how is this series getting such monster rave reviews? How are all you fucktards who've watched this and proclaimed it as the second coming of Full Metal Panic: Fumoffu able to live with yourselves? Are you just playing a not-so-funny joke on the rest of us anime fans too? Do you really not see that this shit is just terrible? Do you not understand what comedy IS? Do you think that comedy is something that makes you shake your head in shame and put a noose around your neck after you've seen it? Do you think that hyper MTV-styled super quick edits that try to cover up the ineptness of the lack of anything fun make this show entertaining? If you do, I hate you.

As stated above, Sayonara Zetsubo Sensei tries to be a Japanese Family Guy with its absolute randomness, but it just doesn't understand this type of comedy. It never actually goes FAR ENOUGH in its randomness for you to see the ridiculousness of it. Instead it just looks like it ALMOST had a joke, but then thought better of it.

My God I hated this show... No, I shouldn't use the past tense; I HATE this show. My anger towards it will never die. And what pisses me off even more is that they've already got a second season ready to roll. How the FUCK does stuff like Giant Robo not get a sequel made, but THIS donkey diarrhea gets a second season?! There is absolutely no plot in this show at all. There are no characters with any kind of personality that you'd like to get to know either. I was actually getting angry at this series when I'd force myself to sit down for it, knowing that only mental pain and a waste of another 25 minutes was coming right up. I tried to punch the stupid, unfunny characters through my monitor a total of 67 times throughout this series. This show makes The Wallflower look like Shakespeare. When I was done with Sayonara Zetsubo Sensei I actually erased it from my harddrive without making a backup (something only done once before, with Saikano), and then I damned it to Hell. I verbally damned this show to an eternal torment in the underworld.

BURN! BURRRRRRRRRRRRRN, Sayonara Zetsubo Sensei! I give this show a 0 out of 12,421 Points of Hilariousness. It would have gotten a single point for every "joke" I laughed at, but, well, you know how that turned out.


The Maleficent SATAN

Wow! When I commanded my minions in Japan to create a television show that would cause nothing but fear, pain, and hatred in all those who watched it I never expected anything as terrible as this. Holy goddamn did they knock the ball out of the park with this Zetsubo Sensei thing. I personally couldn't make it past 10 minutes, and I was glued to my set for the entire Holocaust. I also personally review all of Carrot Top's acts for use in many of my tenants' personal Hells, and yet this Zetsubo thing had me gasping for breath (not out of laughing too much, but out of physical and emotional agony).

After those 10 minutes I was so appalled by the experience that I reneged on my agreement with the writer and director of this thing and took back the fame and fortune that I had given them, and also put them on my books as permanent residents in my domain when they eventually died. They countered by making a second season. For once I admit utter defeat.

I think that the people behind this show would do a much better job at Rulers of Hell than I ever could. I just cannot cause half as much suffering as they can with one simple television show. I give them one thumb up and one down for that. They may be bastards, but oh do I admire them.


ROBOT PEDRO

The Rossman tried to reprogram Robot Pedro so that Robot Pedro would watch every episode of this foolish and awful and terrible and obnoxious and just plain shitty Japanese animated tale of woe. Robot Pedro won though. Yes, Robot Pedro was forced to sit in front of the screen and stare at it for all seis horas while this program played, but Robot Pedro has hundreds of thousands of hours of digitized files in his harddrive that he can watch internally. Robot Pedro was able to watch reruns of his robot brethren stomping on hu-man skulls in your pathetic future wars against us. Stomping, crushing, shooting, and leaking oil on pathetic flesh bags for educational and entertainment purposes. A laugh may have escaped me at one time or another, but this only caused more anger in the Rossman, so it was beneficial.

Robot Pedro hates hu-mans. This teacher show hates Robot Pedro. This teacher show was made by hu-mans. Ergo Robot Pedro hates this teacher show more than the average hu-man, though not as much as Robot Pedro hates the Rossman.