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Aika, Najica, Ikkitousen
"Roll that beautiful booty footage!"
The "All About the Fan Service"
ROSSMAN & Crew

Only in Japan can an entire genre of entertainment be derived from the idea of the "panty shot". Even after being almost literally covered in J-pop culture for over a decade the people and thought processes of the Land of the Rising Sun still surprise me.... No, "surprise" isn't the word I'm looking for. I think I meant "scare the living shit out of me."

Not that a little peek at an attractive girl's panties is anything to be ashamed of (just learn to do it discreetly, guys. Don't crawl around public places on your hands and knees while looking skyward)... It's just that the Japanese take "panty peeking" waaaaay too far, like they do with most good things (i.e. fighting games, Pokemon, and pr0n in general). They have actually built entire anime series around the concept of snatching a glance at some white cotton dainties. To the Western mind, it may be a bit too much to handle, but by God did I try to understand it!

I took it upon myself, at the MegaPlayboy's constant prodding, to take in a panty show or two in order to give the H-genre a chance. My only rule for the Player was "no hardcore pr0n" in the selection of shows that he was to present to me (I mean, panty-shot-shows are really only supposed to be about the tantalization of the panty, and nothing really naughty, so I just wanted to judge them for their cock tease abilities and not get into anything truly smutty... Plus I was afraid that if any actual penetration appeared on screen that the MegaPlayboy might give into his urges and start polishing his cue stick right in front of me.... And after that indecent incident 4 years ago with the watermelon and the Sear's catalogue I vowed to poke my big brown eyes the fuck out if I was ever faced with a similar situation with him ever again.). And so, he brought to our televised ass-covers marathon Agent Aika, Najica: Blitz Tactics, and Ikkitousen (aka Strength of a Thousand, or as the retarded American company that's releasing it calls it, Battle Vixens). This is their "Triple Panty Review".

First we watched Agent Aika. I was all about making the best of a kinky situation so I advised that we play a drinking game with the 7 episode OVA. 1 drink for every panty shot, 2 for every titty shot, and a full bottle for every full bodied female nude scene. Lesson number one of watching Aika turned out to be "NEVER play a drinking game with a panty show unless you are already a raging alcoholic". We were both completely trashed in only 15 minutes. By the end of the first episode we had each gone through a twelve pack of Killians. I can still see little birdies, stitched onto panties, circling my head... Owwwwww.

It's in-crotch-credible!From what I remember, Agent Aika is about some leggy chick named Aika who lives in some shitty future world where the Earth is partially flooded for some reason. She's a salvager who dives into sunken cities to bring back forgotten items of yesteryear (for a price of course). Aika has an annoying young megane sidekick, an old fat boss, a too-energetic rival salvager, and eventually a cross dressing, quietly mellow intern who talks through puppets and dances when he wants to be heard. I'm still confused about the whole thing myself, but it gets even weirder. See, Aika somehow gets involved with some sick fuck siblings (who fuck sickly) who are determined to do some bad shit with their army of hot women in short short skirts (seriously, most of their uniforms didn't even cover their crotches while they were standing at attention... though truth be told I'm planning on dressing MY army of hot women in nothing by spandex and bathing suits when I take over the world so I guess I can't complain. But I digress). I think the story involves a satellite or something. Head's still blurry.

Anyway, so Aika and her bubbly sidebitch have to stop the sinful siblings from doing the nasty and taking over or destroying the world (I had alcohol poisoning for most of the show and was distracted by the unending panty shots... so sue me for not remembering every little detail of the so called "plot"). We find out that Aika has a magic costume that turns her into a black lady and gives her even more kick ass powers, so that's cool. And then there's that secret agent chick who interferes/helps the good guys out on occasion, she was pretty hot. But after the bro and sis are permanently "spaced out", the focus of the show turns to the now unemployed uber-army of toned girls in short skirts as they try to enact revenge on Aika and her bizarro crew. Yeah.

Anyway, I found the tone of Aika to be pretty much on par with what I was expecting. It had some pretty good action going on, it was kinda fun, it was wacky as all ballz out, it never took itself seriously in the least, and it had some really unique camera angles to ensure that the horny viewer would get at least one panty shot per camera cut or their money back.

The second show that the MPB got me to watch was Ikkitousen (that aptly American named "Battle Vixens", which isn't even close to its real translation, but a good indication of what you'll find inside). Ikkitousen is an odd mix of the Victoria Secret's Fashion show, Naruto, Where the Boys Aren't (Volumes I - XXVI) and Romance of the Three Kingdoms. Only, unfortunately, Combustible Campus Guardress has already done it better in the past (just with a lot less panty, and at least CCG had characters named "Mr. Pachinko" and "Mr. Porno Bookstore".). Seriously, I was a little let down by Ikkitousen's lack of originality. I was even floored later to learn that it almost completely ripped off the manga Tenjou Tenge almost down to the poses struck before and during fights... That is until I read Tenjou Tenge and realized that it completely sucked Yeti ass. But once again I digress.

Honestly, I have no idea why they pixelated it so damn much.Ikkitousen is all about a bunch of "Battle High Schools" that fight each other to control all the other schools in Tokyo and rule them all like the ancient conquering emperors of Japan. There's lots of blood and guts and some violent as all fuck deaths throughout the whole thing, but there's also PLENTY of panty. There's even lots of all-out sex going on. There were a couple of scenes that had me floored when I first watched them. A girl giving a guy a blow job while he talks school-wartime strategy, two lesbians going at it hardcore and then walking around ass-naked, and lots of perverted touching and grabbing (which even by Japan's standards should have kept it from the television airwaves and in small spank-theaters in the red light districts). And the amount of titty shots alone would make Larry Flynt blush and then slur out a "Holy sshhhhfuck!" Jeesus! I was in total awe that something this tittacular was allowed on J-national TV. Man, it totally makes me realize what complete prudes we Americans are. Thanks, Janet Jackson, you cunt, for setting us back another 20 years with your goddamn Super Bowl Nipple Show. Bitch.

Okay, now to get into the bouncy world of all that is Ikki. See, all these Battle Schools want to lead the others, and so they each have a bunch of super strong martial artists as students who each wear a small Blue Seed-like pendant as an earring. This seed thing supposedly holds the reincarnated essence of a famous soldier who fought during the "Three Kingdoms" era of real Chinese history. And all of the high schoolers who possess them today are all forced to replay out the exact same lives that their corresponding ancestors lived ages ago. So if one was once a backstabbing bitch/bastard in the olde days, then one is bound to be a backstabbing bastard/bitch in his/her new body. Honestly, that's gotta suck, especially when you know when you're going to die, and who's going to kill you.

Soon, however, some of the big tittied girlies and macho men decide that they want out of this terrible circle, and then the "Is it possible to change one's destiny?" questions come alive and piss everyone off, most especially the viewer. The only thing that was original in the least about this show was its initial novelty to go well beyond what the sensors should have allowed to air. The whole "secret hidden power" in the main heroine reeked of Naruto and his Nine Tails Fox that he has locked up inside; the whole "high schoolers fighting in no-holds-barred contests" was ripped from Tenjou and Combustible Campus Guardress; and the ending just really pissed me off even more then when I found out that the picture of the naked woman that I had snagged from my old roommate's room one day turned out to be a photo of the dick's now flabby mother when she was young (I never ever asked why he had such a thing in his possession in the first place... Would YOU want to know?!). Nobody who did bad shit got their just deserts. And some of the fighters who were built up so much during the course of the short show never actually did any fighting. That really blew. It had an ending, but it didn't clear up 1/2 of the mess that was originally laid out for us. Pisser.

What's odd though is that everything I had read about it online was like, "Ikkitousen was okay and all, but it would have been a GREAT fighting drama if it wasn't for all the panty shots." But all I kept thinking was "It would have been an incredible panty show if it wasn't for all the drama." Go fig. It took itself too seriously at times. It should have just gone all the way into pervert heaven and made itself a T&A smorgasbord of titillation. Instead it failed on both accounts: it was a lame panty show, and it was an annoying action/dorama. It just had too much of one or the other to be successful at either.

The final panty show I'll cover (today) is Najica Blitz Tactics. Man, by the time this one rolled around I had grown so immune to the panty shot that I didn't even notice most of them. And despite that fact I was still seeing panties wherever I looked and wherever I went for days afterwards.This is a serious and untreatable ailment, my friends. But now on with the review.

Action!What's there to say about Najica?.... Nothing at all really. If you've seen Agent Aika you've already seen Najica. From what I can tell it takes place in the same world as Aika, the heroine herself is a clone for Aika, and both Najica and Aika have annoying sidekicks to say random (supposedly) funny things. Oh, and they both have panty shots out the ass.

Najica is a secret agent, like Aika, who goes out on missions dictated to her by an older man, like Aika; is lusted after by some horny schlong, like Aika; and kicks a lot of hot female booty in skimpy outfits..... Like Aika. But, to her credit, Najica has a real job outside of her secret agent crime fighting. She's a perfume maker. I'm serious, I can't make shit like that up. She sniffs perfumes all day and then fights international robot chick terrorists at night... Hmmm, maybe she only thinks that she fights all those robo-babe terrorists at night. Maybe that's just a byproduct of the perfume sniffing. That would answer a ton of questions, like "Why?" Why do the Japanese even feel the need to make these panty shot shows? Seriously, there's really not all that much titillation to them. After seeing five pair of panties flashed at you in a minute you kind of get used to them. Then, where's the fun in that? Why not just take the money that they would have spent on less-than-soft-core spooge like this, and instead invest it in a true porno? That would make a lot more people happy.

Not to get too far down on Najica, as it was my favorite of the three series I saw. It's just the panty show in general that I question. I mean, yah, Spielberg would be amazed at the inventiveness of the camera angles (On more than one occasion the camera would be on the ground looking straight up a skirt, with maybe a little bit of the head of the girl speaking peeking out from behind a massive pair of gazongas. Now THAT'S some pantyriffic anime for you), but that's really all any of these series had going for them. Sure Aika and Najica would have still been kinda fun even without all the "A" and some of the "T", but there's no way that they would have been able to compete with real shows that have a comparatively small amount of fan service like Vandread and Kiddy Grade. Those shows at least have a plot and three dimensional characters.

Sigh... But I guess as long as the MegaPlayboy and his fellow pervs keep buyin' this lace-stitched stuff, those kinky Japanese will continue cranking them out. And, well, I guess the panty shows are not even 1/10th as scary as the tentacle shiznit. I don't even want to go anywhere near those in this review.

What did I think of the Tres Panty Experience? In the end I find that I must give Agent Aika a 14 out of 20 Stripper Panties, Ikkitousen 13 out of 20 Stripper Panties, and Najica 15.35 out of 20 Stripper Panties. Right now I am totally totally burned the fuck out on panties. I don't even want to think about them for a loooong time. Karen better not be wearing any when I get home or she's going to be getting a very naughty spanking. Naughty, naughty Karen. GrrrrrrOOOwl!

Doin' time on Hentai Drive
The Perved Out
MEGAPLAYBOY

Alle-fuckin'-lujah, beeyatch! Finally, I gets ta show the Rossman what REEEEAL aneemay is all about. These shows is my precious collection of "warm up" action for when the MegaPlayboy is feelin' raunchy. See, fool, I's can't just rev up my engine from zero to 240MPH just like that. I needs me some idlin' time first. And all deez panty shootin' projects have GOT IT GOIN' ON!

Fuck yeah, motherfucka'! See, I'm all like, "Hmmmm, which version of the Kama Sutra legend does I want to see tonight?" But then I'm all like, "Hmmmmmmmm, but even with the baby oil I still don't want to wear my engine down with friction and shit before it's ready for anythin'. I needs me some pan-tay to get me thinkin' in the right direction first." And that, my brotha's, is why I owe my life and my manhood to the likes of those bitches Aika, Najica, and that blonde high school cunt with the melons that would do Gallagher proud! Now THAT is what the MegaPlayboy is alllllllllll about. Trade secret, yo.

I give these mo' fo's a hearty helpin' of the MegaPlayboy's bossa nova beauty-queen humpin'! Ya just can never get enough of the old crotch shot, amigo. They're huuuuuuuumptastic!

Pant-astic Tammi!
The "Not Wearing Any Panties"
TAMMI WITH AN 'I'

Woooooo-whee! These shows were even givin' ME a boner! Ah've grown so goddamn bored of just goin' over to a guy's house, layin' down and spreadin' them, that these panty shows were a nice breath a fresh air. An hell, let's just be honest here, the female body is like 20 thousand times more attractive than even the Rock's rock-hard physical being. Ah could go all lesbian an all if it weren't for the lack of cocks. 'Cause let me tell y'all somethin'... Tammi needs her cock. Y'all got that?

I give all three of these pervy shows a country salute the likes of which you've never even seen before. Though they do make me feel a little dirty since none of mah own panties are as white as any of the ones I just done saw. I might get around to washin' them some day.