A.I. (versus) Pootie Tang

The ROSSMAN and the
hottest shell-wearing momma
he's ever met.

It was a two-movie-weekend, but I didn't feel like making two separate reviews. So instead I'm going to make this an "Iron Chef-like" movie battle royale!! In the red corner, we have Steven Spielberg's latest. The wanna-be-thinker of the year, at just under $200million.... A.I.!!!!! And in the super fly leopard-spotted corner, we have the pone toni with the most pepatane seen in a movie since Cleopatra Schwartz.... Pootie Tang!!!!!

Let's start with A.I.... What the fuck was Steverino thinking? There's no way in hell that this is what the late Kubrick wanted! For those who didn't know or have been dead yourself for the past year, Stanley Kubrick died. Yes, it's true. But what's even sadder is that his last work, a project simply known as A.I., was only in the scripting stage when he went to meet that big projector in the sky. Buuuuuut, Mr. Hollywood himself, Spielberg, took up the reigns on the film, finished the screenplay and filmed the movie as if it were his very own.... when he should have just had it aborted. You see, Spielberg makes movies that are the exact opposite of the way Kubrick did. Steven makes things as flashy, big, flashy, and flashy as he possibly can. To me, it appeared as if A.I. was really meant to be a much quieter movie. It could have meant a helluva lot more to the audience if it didn't have the obvious and tagged on "aliens come and sort of save the day" ending that filled out the final half hour. Man that was just a kick to the mental nuts! So out of place!!

Basically and for the most part, A.I. is just a remake of Pinocchio. A disturbing remake that one can't even bring one's own kids to. After seeing it I personally can no longer use scissors for the rest of my life. Back to ripping off fairy tales though. A.I. is about a robot who can "love". He apparently wasn't programmed to think for himself though (or he was made retarded) since he's 11 and still believes in fairy tales and he still takes everything ever said to him at its literal base. David (the robo-boy who looks disturbingly like my cousin David as a child who liked to set me on fire) then goes on a self-made mission to follow Pinocchio's storyline almost word for unoriginal word. He has his own Jiminy Cricket (a pretty rugged teddy bear that is smarter than he is); he meets his own version of that kid who leads him to Paradise Island (the swanky Gigolo Joe); he witnesses his own puppet show (the Flesh Fair) and Paradise Island (Rouge City); and even gets swallowed by his own Monstro the whale (a giant Ferris Wheel). Lots of people were saying that "it kinda makes you think about life and families and stuff" as we were coming out of the theater. Well, it did do that for me too, but mostly in the sense that I wondered which family members would get my fortune after I blew my brains out if I was forced to see ET give David that lame as fuck heart-to-heart at the end of the movie again. God that sucked!

Now on to Pootie Tang. This is (so far) the greatest movie of the year. It's that simple. Pootie Tang himself is so cool that he could sine your pity on the runny kine and you wouldn't even know it! I got my dillies all katty dan in my wellibone. Pootie is the coolest cat in the hood. He takes out the drug lords with his belt (that his daddy gave him before dying after getting mauled by a gorilla). He puts out hit records where he silently screams in the mic for 45 minutes! He even does Mr. T-like service announcements for all the iddy biddy tane doggies so that they stay away from fast food, malt liquor, cigarettes and ugly women. Unfortunately the big baddie of the picture (who runs all the fast food joints,cigarette and alcohol companies and who loves an ugly large woman) doesn't like the PT telling the kids to stay away from his products. Lots of belt-whipping and ass kicking commences.
Needless to say, Pootie Tang was the better choice this weekend. What sucks though is that I'm sure A.I. will take a big, heaping crap on Pootie and never even put a tombstone in front of the mound so that many potential viewers will never find it.

In the end I give A.I. a big thumbs down. Pootie Tang, though, got my snabba jine all wamma bane.... That's a thumbs up in Rossman-speak.

The Mega-Man

A.I. was all wrong. It just got everything all messed up!! The whole plot was so full of holes that I just about screamed for the bitch in the projection booth to burn the reel at least 6 times. I usually only ask the whore to do that two, three times tops!! Urrrrgh!! I just don't see why the fuck anybody would want a robo-boy-toy in the first place! Real kids are already more annoying than shit stuck up a turkey's ass! Why don't childless couples just go out and get a few Gigolo Joes and Janes instead?! Lord knows that's all I'd fuckin' need to do (that or just another few dozen cheap womens or donkeys). I fell asleep after the first 5 hours of the movie, so I don't even know how it ends. And you know what, ya whore?.... I don't give a kiwi's crap! I just hope that somebody bitch-slaps the old Spielberg into making sweet flicks again! How about mixing ET with Shaving Ryan's Privates? Just begin and end the film with soldiers shooting the shit out of that retarded looking space puppet! I'd pay 8 bucks to see that.

Now for Pootie Tang. I know all y'all's thinkin' that I'm just gunna give this the 5-star treatment for tryin' to be a "hood film", but I ain't gunna do that. Y'see, bizatch, I fucking LIVE in the goddamn muthafuckin' hood! There ain't no cunt-lickin' Pootie in my neck of the woods, I'll tell you that. Pootie Tang was the biggest piece of shit-lickin' fake shit that I've ever seen! I don't know who tried to make this worthless sack of kitten crap, but I never saw a worse documentary since Batman! My daddy could easily kick Pootie's daddy's ass with his own belt too! That was all cream of caca! Shiiiiiiiiit, man, I'm all worked up now. I think I half to go kill another Tang-lovin' whore again to satiate my need to hurt those who don't understand ghetto life.

A.I. ain't a-okay. Four ninja-stars of death in its back. I give the anti-hood film Pootie Tang FIVE death stars in the skull. That shit just ain't right.

ROBOT PEDRO getting A.I. High

A.I....Finally. A movie about robots... Too bad most of them were pussies who let the human excrement of the world hunt them down and kill them for fun. I wish that I could have been there to fight by there side. I would have introduced my robotic brethren to the sweetness of automatic weaponry. We would mow down the human resistance in a path of death and destruction that would force the remaining loser humans to take refuge in the sea. They would then revert back to dolphins and my fellow robots and I would eat their flesh and spit it out while we laughed about how they were no longer functioning!!! It will be glorious!

Pootie Tang confused me. I did not know whether to root for the fly brother with the flip-flappin' belt of doom or for his nemesis. Pootie was all that and a bag of bar-b-que chips, but his enemy did his best to kill stupid humans with malt liquor and cigarettes. That is cool too. I think that I will kill them all and cheer for their dead bodies after I set them on fire.

I give both A.I. and Pootie Tang six Pokemon of destruction.