The Animal
(Reviewed on 06/05/2001)
Wilderness ROSSMAN and a
Scottish Pub Wench
Never before has the ending of a movie so changed my opinion about the previous 9/10s of the flick that had come before it... Well, I guess Titanic's ending when Leo took that final swan dive into the frigid Atlantic made that movie pretty cool, but that was different. I pretty much knew that Titanic would blow. The Animal, though, I thought would be the next God given Billy Madison or Deuce Bigalow. I was sadly and openly-weepingly mistaken. And I tried my damndest to love this film!! I was part of a packed theater, but I was only one of 6 who laughed at anything the whole movie. The plot was so ripe and ready for tons of animal jokes and what-not, but most were under-realized. And I guess that I was just hoping for a shitload more "monkey jokes". It had a few, but not enough to rationalize an "animal picture". Not even one monkey threw its own feces!! What a waste.
I hear you asking, "Hey Rossman, if you thought it was bad, how the hell could its ending save it? How fucking great was its ending?!" The Animal's finale was the funniest ending of any movie I'd seen in at least a year. Maybe longer. It was so funny that it pissed me off just thinking back to how mediocre (to bad) the rest of the film was. Not only did it have great cameos by Adam Sandler and Norm MacDonald in the mob scenes ("Hey there, buddy... Uh, what would you say if somebody already had his torch lit?"), but the whole lead-up to the "unmasking of the monster" was just brilliant!! That was the best unveiling next to finding out who Kaiser Soze was! And it was even better than about 50% of all the Scooby Doo episodes ever made. Also, Ed Asner is one of the coolest actors in the world (and this was his greatest part since playing Officer Cosgrove in Freakazoid) and the ending of The Animal had him acting even more creepy then when he felt up all those women on that cross town bus a few years back... No, wait, that was Carl.
The Survivor chick was pretty cute, but quiet. I couldn't hear her lines half the time. I kept having to ask "WHAT DID SHE SAY?!?" through out the whole movie. People who throw pop-corn and JuJu Bees suck ass.
CARL
What the flying fuck?!?!?! This sucked goat dick, man! What the hell was Rob Schneider smoking? His mom's hairy twat??? Urgh! I was hoping for a movie that wouldn't make me want to smash the Rossman's head in after seeing it. This wasn't it!! Sunuvabitch!! Why couldn't they just remake Deuce Bigalow? They could have just dubbed that over in Puerto Rican and I would have easily paid another $7.50 to witness it's awesomenasity again and again. The Animal was way below my expectations. If Schneider wanted to see "an animal" I would have pounded him dead with a hampster before I let him make this movie.
ROBOT PEDRO hitting
rock bottom
Animals are illogical. So was this movie. How could the implanted spleen of a horse cause a loser-man to run 45MPH? How could a monkey butt allow him to climb trees like a gay little monkey? How could a dog's tongue give him enough flexibilty to lick himself?!?!? Logic... circuits.... frying.........
Other than that I was also disappointed that no robots were used in the entire production. That's discrimination plain and simple. What would it have hurt to show a robot in the background of a scene and just let him wave at the camera? Hollywood sucks. Perhaps they thought that by putting in the mechanical Norm MacDonald near the end of the movie that they could satiate my anger. They thought wrong! Norm is not a "robot"! It is plain to see that he is just a zombie. I killed him a few years ago when he would not stop making fun of that hu-man killer, OJ Simpson. OJ is just thinning out the herd, people. Give him some room. It is evolution at work.
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