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Avengers - Infinity War goose that laid the golden egg
Ze Rossman!
The War-like ROSSMAN

So, a tiny art-house movie came out this week. Something called "Avengers 3 - Infinity War." HA HA HA HAHAHA HA HAHA HA! I am so teh funny!

Wait, was that sarcasm? I told you to open with that joke.

So, as I was saying, the third Avengers movie came out this weekend, and if you thought that the star power in the first two Avengers movies (or Captain America - Civil War) was impressive, throw into that mix a few more A-list and B-list superheroes (from Benedict Bumblepatch's Dr. Strange, to Spider-Man, to the entire cast of Guardians of the Galaxy, to the full country of Wakanda), and the ultimate Marvel villain (the purple-skinned, scrote-chinned, Bruce Willis look-alike Thanos), and you have by far the largest crossover experience that the world has ever seen outside of The Battle of the Network Stars!... Which was a real thing. Ask your parents or grandparents about it.

So, was it worth the wait? Did it live up to the hype?

It both did and it didn't. Infinity War was one of the most epic things I've ever seen put to film. 10 years in the making, 18 previous movies leading up to it, and something like 70 named heroes & villains appearing together on screen. It was quite amazing and sensational and fantastic and uncanny and incredible. I honestly wondered if they'd ever really be able to get everyone's schedules aligned for filming, and get the cash together to pay everyone their giant salaries. Well, they did, and I am so happy that they did. But...

But it wasn't the most FUN Marvel outing. That's not to say that it's a piece of fetid garbage; far from it! This is still one of the best Marvel movies (and straight up superhero movies) ever made. I just find that the first Avengers movie is still the most fun thing that the studio has made as of yet. But that may just be my personal opinion.

You suck! Infinity War was the greatest movie ever made! You go to hell and you die!

Avengers assemble!Right now, you probably already went to see Infinity War, or you're planning to go see it (even my parents are planning to go see it), so I'll hold off on the spoilers as best I can. If you've seen even one of the multitude of trailers already put out though, you probably already know that the movie is all about how supervillain Thanos [The Mad Titan] is sick of his minions fucking up their simple quests to gather all six of the Infinity Stones that lay scattered throughout the galaxy. Thanos needs to assemble the glowing rocks (older than time itself) in order to use their full reality-altering abilities to perform his end goal: the obliteration of half the life in an over-crowded universe.

So you're saying Thanos is essentially "Space Hitler"?

Well, yes and no. Thanos firmly believes that all the problems in the universe are brought about by overpopulation and limited resources, but he doesn't just hate one group of people (like he's not only gunning for the Space Jews). Thanos thinks that by randomly killing half of any population (with no concern for culling out the rich or the poor, or the intelligent versus the idiotic), that that society will then automatically become capable of advancing itself to almost unheard of levels, thusly making existence a better place for those who are left. He is the epitome of "Lawful Evil."

In his way are of course the Avengers, Doctor Strange, Wakanda, and the Guardians of the Galaxy. All of whom are either safeguards of some Infinity Stones, or they know of them and where they can be found. This makes them the only ones who can stop Thanos' insane march towards galactic culling.

Is... Is that all you're going to tell us?


But there's so much more!

Yes, and even hinting at anymore would absolutely ruin the experience of seeing this movie for the first time. If a movie is any good, I believe that people should see it with as few spoilers as possible. This is one of those movies where I found myself saying "Oh my god!" "Holy shit!" and "I can't believe that they actually DID that!" out loud amid many key points during its two and a half hour runtime. If ANYONE had ruined those moments for me ahead of time I would have been ROYALLY PISSED OFF.

Avengers assemble!Seriously, if you have a friend who does this to you (spoils movies that you haven't seen well before the allotted and accepted "6-month jiji-free window" is past), or worse yet, if you know of any critics or reviewers who seem to thrive on destroying plot points (without any warning that they're about to do so), fuck them to hell with a big rubber dildo.

This movie is meant (beyond most others) to be experienced for oneself. You didn't come this far and sit through so many other lead-up movies just to have the story and surprises ruined for you at the last possible second, did you?

So you're not even going to tell them that ********** died? Or what about ****? Or ******?

Nope. And I'm not even going to tell them if you were lying and that nobody died in this flick. Go fucking watch it for yourself!

So what else CAN you talk about then?

I would love to discuss the amazing chemistries that pretty much everyone in this movie has with each other. No matter which characters from which franchises appeared in the same scene together, they all seemed to have the perfect comradery or antagonistic relationship. I'd love to get into specifics, but spoilers, yo.

I would also like to talk about some of the budgetary shortcomings of this movie. Unfortunately, and despite the extremely high allowance this movie was given, some of the FX shots were a little underwhelming, to the point where they were distracting. My guess is that they used up too much money on RDJ's salary and Hemsworth's workout equipment and high protein diet.

You're CRAZY! This movie was perfect!

Avengers assemble!

I'm guessing that the parts where Rhodes and that one other guy (spoilers) are in their mech suits, but their helmets are off, didn't bug you that much... Those shots unfortunately took me out of the movie, especially seeing as it looked like their heads were just badly superimposed into the suits from different movies altogether.

And don't get me started on Thanos' Black Order minions. In the second half especially, they were way too CGI-tastic... Too plasticy... Too unrealistic. I'm guessing that most of the CGI money went into Thanos himself. For the most part, Thanos was believable as an actual character. Brolin did an amazing job on his voice work, and the FX guys paid great attention to the details of this face, and especially his eyes. Honestly, Thanos was my favorite character in this movie. Bravo, computer graphics nerds who gave him life! You succeeded! Too bad you were the worst-paid employees on the entire flick. That's right, even Candace Wessinger (hairstylist: additional) made $1,500 more than you. But as long as you love what you do... Well, that won't feed the cat, but it will make those 16-hour days that you work almost feel worth it!

Is that it? Don't you want to talk about how *** *** ***** popped up again? Or what about--

Goddammit! Stop it! Don't be like those retarded Youtube "reviewers" who cover up their shitty reviews with spoilers just to get views by being controversially lame.

I'm done. This is not a movie that I can really dive into any deep discussions about this close to its release. I respect the filmmakers too damn much to ruin their amazing feature in even the slightest possible way. I will just leave you with my rating now.

So what did I think of Avengers - Infinity War? I liked it a whole helluva lot! It is near the top of my Marvel favorites list. I don't have this list written down anywhere per se, and it may change depending on how I'm feeling at any given moment, but the first Avengers movie, then Captain America - Winter Soldier, and Infinity War are up there near the pinnacle somewhere.

In the end I find that I have to give this flick a 95.67 out of 101.23 Points of Awesome Super Justice! And I just hope that if they continue to make these movies into the far future, that they also continue to take the insane chances that they did in this film!


Man, Marvel is on a goddamn roll, G! This movie series that they have is the goddamn goose that laid the golden egg!

Yeah, it be good and all that shiznit that they are still trying with these movies, but in actuality, all they need to do is put the Chrises and RDJ and ScarJo and Samuel Jackson all in the same movie, with no script (just everyone sitting on their collective asses in a warehouse or somethin', yo), and that movie'd make a kajillion dollars.

Yeah, I liked the War of Infinity like Kanye loves his army of his own cloned sex slaves, but even I'm startin' to get a little superhero fatigue. Luckily DC hasn't put out any real movies about their superheroes or I might REALLY be tired of it all by now.

Now, what I TRULY want to talk about, G, is the obnoxious fanboys who sat next to me during my Thursday night showing. Now these weren't nerdy fanboys, but sports fanboys... And whilst I's gots nothin' but love for my fellow NFL brothas, these mothafuckas had their phones out during the ENTIRE fuckin' movie, cold-glued to their mini screens watchin' the NFL fuckin' draft, and discussing picks with each other while Thanos was putting the smackdown on our heroes! They honestly missed about 1/2 of the whole movie.

I had fun fuckin' with them throughout the mothafuckin' movie though. I could see when they'd be getting really excited about an upcoming draft pick, and I'd wait for something at least semi-interesting to happen on the silver fuckin' screen (preferably with swelling musical cues), and then I'd say out loud to my right, where they sat, "Holy mothafuckin' shit! I can't believe they even brought in Batman!"

Half the time this would work, and these football douchebags (their phone lights were annoyin' as piss, and they refused to turn them off) would look up quickly and actually ask "Wait? Really?" It weren't much, but it was the least I could do.

The Rossman won't let me ruin any plot or secret details for all you homies, so I'll just end with giving it a 100 firecracker salute!... thrown right into the open back window of some raging sports wankers' Jeep as they drove home.

But really, yo! If you're THAT INTO the NFL draft, well, good on you... But WHY IN THE NAME OF ODIN'S BEARD would you go to the Thursday night preview of a huge movie like this if you're NOT going to mothafuckin' WATCH it! Fuck you, a-holes! Fuck you for ruinin' other people's entertainment.


Jesus fucking Christ... Another one? How many of these movies can they make? Who keeps paying to see them?

Well... I guess that I'm just as guilty, but I'm only paying to look at Thor's perfect pecs. And Evans' amazing arms. And ScarJo's astounding ass. I'll get off my soapbox now.

Yay... More superheroes. More supervillains. More worlds in danger. I give this movie a "meh." Let's try something new next time, okay, Marvel?