Alien Versus Predator (AVP)
(Reviewed on 08/18/2004)
The Sci-Fied ROSSMAN
I go into most movies with fairly low expectations. I do this in order to (hopefully) be pleasantly surprised if and when the movie does not indeed suck. This mentality has served me well over the years, especially when it comes to sci-fi movies and their many unnecessary sequels. For example, I enjoyed The Chronicles of Riddick for the sheer over-the-top funness of the whole thing. Sure, it's been done before. Yes, it was kind of silly in parts. And of course, it wasn't Shakespeare. But because I went in thinking "this movie is going to blow King Kong" I was able to come out of it with a smile on my face after finding out that it did NOT suck the grime off of a giant gorilla's manhood. Now, I did the same mental preparedness for Alien Vs Predator. I told myself, "Holy shit, this is going to suuuuuuuuuuck! Not only did Predator 2, Alien3 and Alien Resurrection stink of fresh dog droppings, but to put those two (once glorious) title creatures, each from rated R movies, into one PG-13 film written and directed by the guy who did Soldier?! That's the Hindenberg all the fuck over again! Just with more 'Oh the HUMANITIES!!'."
Well, because of my pre-movie mental awareness I was able to come out of AVP very surprised. I was so completely surprised that it could SUCK more than what I thought was possible. I haven't seen (nor will I ever) Catwoman, but I'm willing to believe that AVP sucked more. How can this be, you ask? Well, because Catwoman had absolutely NOTHING going for it. Yeah, Holly Berry's hot and all, but the costume looked fecking ridiculous, the CG in the commercials looked like an 8th grader did the rendering (and they usually put the best effects in the promos), and it didn't even have Batman in it for a cameo (word was the WB execs were going to force the Catwoman crew to make a cameo for the dark knight, but then they saw how shitty the movie was and didn't want to link it to their next uber Batman flick, Batman Begins). There were NO expectations for Catwoman. Alien Vs Predator however, had the potential to be a fanboy's wet dream come true.
See, the original Alien movie still scares the crap out of me when I watch it in the dark at 3 in the morning. Aliens turned the coolness factor of the original up to 100% and made itself into an "alien war movie" with tons more of what we, the viewers, actually wanted. The first Predator is one of the coolest sci-fi/action movies ever made. It's got Arnold, Jesse the Body Ventura, Apollo Creed, little Painless, and the baddest intergalactic hunter since Boba Fett. Stan Winston did a fantastic job on the creature's body and face. The predator's muscles look real. His face actually looks alive! AVP, a movie that featured both the ferocious chest-bursting bastards and the light-bending badasses actually fighting the shit out of eachother, could have been THE MOST PANTS-GIZZINGLY GEEKY EXPERIENCE EVER... If done by James Cameron or John McTiernan. Unfortunately, the job went to ol' Paul W.S. Anderson. My God, what have they done....
I'm gonna ruin the movie for you to show you why it sucked. Since you shouldn't pay to see this garbage anyway, I recommend you continue reading. Okay, so supposedly the predators have been visiting Earth for thousands of years and they're responsible for the technological advancement of mankind. I can buy that, that's cool. They built maze-like pyramids on Earth in order to give their young ones a "right of passage" hunt against imported alien spawn. I'm getting a boner just thinking about how cool THAT actually is. The predators this time though have some annoying and stupid human SCIENTISTS (not marines or green berets or rangers... scientists) bungling up their attempts to hunt the aliens that were let loose into the pyramid and feces hits the fan and covers the room in a green-glowing acidy glop. Ummm, no.
Not only were the human scientists not cool (well, Charles Bishop Weyland was the only nonretard there, but he's fucking Bishop, man!) but they were annoying. If they only had one Dutch, or one Ripley with them... And no, that Ice-climber human chick was no Ripley. Not even close.
So it's not the plot that I didn't like (I was kinda jazzed about the whole idea and set up), it was the execution of it... And the executions IN it. The way that they hack up two predators right off the fucking bat... Bullshit. The way that aliens pop out of their hosts ten minutes after the facehugger shoves it down their throats... Bad storytelling. The way the aliens grow to adulthood in about a minute... I'll punch Wes in the face for that. The way the queen is three stories tall... Did Anderson even SEE the previous movies? And what about the predator effects?!?! This is probably what ticked me off the most. I had just watched the original Arnold movie 3 days before seeing AVP, and Stan Winston's monster was still incredible, almost 20 years after its original creation. That movie was made for something like $16 million, and they could still afford GREAT creature FX. Now, I'm beyond glad that they didn't use computer generated predators for AVP, but they could have at least put some time and money into the creatures' faces! They looked plastic and fake. Soooooo fucking fake. The mouths and mandibles of the predators looked so much worse than they did in the 86 movie. That alone took me out of the film. My suspension of disbelief was shat upon when the predator first took off his mask. Who the FUCK greenlighted this movie with Anderson in charge?! I want his fucking nuts on the barbeque grill (not to eat them, you sick fucks, just to watch him writhe in as much pain as I was in after seeing them destroy such a great premise).
I guess AVP will go on my list of "movie sequels that never really happened," which now includes The Phantom Menace, Robocop 3, Jaws 2 - 4, and all odd numbered Star Treks... And that shitty last even numbered one. Crikey!
The Blood Thirsty WOLFMAN
Now, I don't believe that this movie was as all horrible as the Rossman says it is. I rather enjoyed it. Though, to be honest I was kinda getting turned on by the whole thing. All those ugly lookin' mothers tearing the shit out of eachother... Oooooooh baby! That got the Wolfman's juices flowing. I think I actually climaxed when that there alien queeny and the predator dude were fighting on top of that glacier at the end. It was just too much to take at once! All the venom, green blood and acid burns! OH YES!!! YESSSS!!! COME TO WOLFMAN!!!!!
The "Battle To The Death" CARL
If you're going to fucking have a movie which pits one unstoppable force against another, DO NOT pussy out and have BOTH sides lose. Buncha pussy filmmakers in this world. God, that sucks! This could have been so UUURRRRRAAAAAGH! So EEEEEIIIICH!!!! Damn! They blew it! They bleeeeeeeeeeew it!!!!
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