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Cloud Atlas

The Cloudy ROSSMAN

Cloud Atlas is a huge and very complicated movie. So instead of just trying to review it like a normal film reviewer who likes to type out lots of multi-syllabic words that mean "cool" and "fantastic" in order to try and make him/herself sound smarter, I'll just post my texting conversation with the Chief the night after witnessing Atlas' majesty:

the Chief: Did you see the film?

the Rossman: Is the Pope a Nazi? Yes, at 7 last night! Got out at 10.
I really liked it. What about you?

the Chief: Yup 6-9 here

the Rossman: Still trying to make all the connections between everyone and every era.

the Chief: It was the best 6 movies about 6 seperate characters I've watched all at the same time in 3 hours.
But seriously, it was pretty good.

the Rossman: I really liked that they didn't go the "cheap way" out and pull a Forrest Gump.
You know, like only hitting big parts of history: WWII, Kennedy's assasination, Fall of the Berlin Wall, or the cancellation of Firefly...
That Neo Seoul one left me with a terrible taste in my mouth though, but that dude in there, the clone's protector.... Bad. Ass.

the Chief: Slow start, but once it kicked in it was solid. I'm not sure if the different moods of the stories didn't weigh it down a bit tho.

Tom Hanks cloud atlasthe Rossman: Yeah, just getting into the whole thing did take a little while to ramp up

the Chief: 70's Keith David is BAD... ASS..

the Rossman: But once it did it kept going for the rest of its runtime.
Yeah, Keith was the MAN, but we were laughing at his plan to get Agent Smith... "Hit him with a car"

the Chief: Fuck yeah

the Rossman: I did really like how each era had a portion of the previous brought into it, either as a journal, a book, a movie or a holographic plea.
And I enjoyed trying to see who had the shooting star birthmark in each new time period.

the Chief: But like. The part with the old publisher was a great British comedy... then we get plopped in the middle of a 70s thriller, then the Matrix, and finally Thunderdome. With a little Master and Commander thrown in for good measure.

the Rossman: Yup. And a bit of Amadeus in there too for some gay composer storytime because why not?

the Chief: Oh yeah!
I felt if the moods of each were more similar it would have done better for me.

the Rossman: Nah, then it would have totally dragged. It was better that each was its own mood
This way it kept things interesting

the Chief: You're probably right. I just felt like the British comedy was out of place. Funny as hell, but out of place.
Holy shit did Tom Hanks do some awesome acting in that Post Apoc one tho.
That part was awesome.

the Rossman: Yes! I really felt what he was going through, but was very glad he didn't listen to Agent Smith dressed up as Papa Lazarou and Young Frankenstein's monster's love child on the mountain.

the Chief: Yeah, his whole visions of his "devil" was awesome. Bravo to him and Agent Smith

the Rossman: As for the British comedy caper, Mr. Meaks was hilarious!
"I know, I know.... DON'T LEAVE ME!"
Everybody went "Awwwww!" when he came out of the old folks home with his suitcase looking lost.

the Chief: Yup
"ARE THERE NO TRUE SCOTSMEN!?"
That shit was awesome

the Rossman: And Halle Berry... Still looking fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine! What is she, like 50?

the Chief: Yup
Oh jesus dude... So let me tell you the shitty part.
FUCK TUMBLR

the Rossman: Loved the Korean chick too. Though she was a bit out of place as the redhead caucasian daughter at the end. Really, that was just there to shove that actress into that particular story.
Wait, why does Tumblr suck? I mean why this time?

the Chief: FUCK EM

the Rossman: What'd tumblr ever do to you?

the Chief: Of course my coworker Tori goes into the movie saying "Oh they said online (Tumblr) that its really racist cause instead of using asian actors in Neo Seol, they used whites in black "yellow face"
Mother fucker...
So, of course, we have a social justice argument

the Rossman: Jesus... Christ
You did tell her we had Asians as caucasian made up in the movie too, right?
And blacks in white-face and Asian makeup.

the Chief: I told her that wasn't the point. Those people weren't supposed to be Korean. They were "Unitarian" or whatever. EVERYONE but the fabricants looked like that. Hell, KIETH DAVID in his scene there had asian looking eyes. They weren't yellow facing. They were a future mix race.
Oh that doesn't matter to the great lords of social justice on tumblr.

the Rossman: That's what I was thinking too.
It was a blended society at that point

the Chief: Yep
That's what I got out of it.
Keith David really solidified the point IMO.

the Rossman: Well, the bad ass protector dude was a total and obvious mix to us.
But yeah, by the time Asian-blended Keith appeared, it was clear that was the case.

the Chief: "No, that was just really bad yellow face attempt"
Ugh..

Halle Berry Cloud Atlasthe Rossman: Totally. Missed. the. Point.
"Yellow face," ha!

the Chief: It doesn't matter if its the point or not. Its the racism that matters.
It's "good asian actors not getting jobs."
Did I mention Ugh..

the Rossman: Was Tom Hanks racist for talking pidgin-English?
Just like a dirty Pacific Islander and not a whitey?

the Chief: So then I had a sudden epiphany as well. Tori had stated the day before to my friend Jan that she was cramping up a bit. And I realized. OH SHIT... this is a PMS fight too...
FUUUUCK

the Rossman: Oh balls!

the Chief: I tried to back out as quickly as possible.

the Rossman: Yeah, you don't need a "You got the DEVIL in you!" argument
Not over a movie. Save that for mocking her for not getting those TPS reports in on time.

the Chief: But it didn't work and she went off on how horrible of a person I was and it ruined the office lunch. It was taco lunch too. Tell me if that isn't ironic.
So.. yeah
Not as amazing as the trailer. But good. Each movie stood out in its own way.
I loved it in the modern times story when the thug who had written the lambasted book just straight up murders the critic.

the Rossman: I had never felt this way watching a movie before. I'd seen movies following different plots in the past, but the connection was always obvious in the end, here I had to *Gasp!* think a bit about it when it was over.
Oh my god! When Tom Hanks threw that guy off the balcony I was like "Oh, he'll land on a ledge or something.
Then SPLATTTTT MOTHERFUCKER!

the Chief: lol

the Rossman: We talked about it and what the stories meant and their connections for like an hour and a half afterwards
Can't remember the last time I did that with an American movie.

the Chief: I will say, that editing was awesome. Tho I felt the moods clashed a bit. The FLOW didn't at all. Each story felt like it was flowing right into the scene of the next. That was nuts.

the Rossman: Yup. And I liked every tale. There wasn't one I just wanted to skip through
I didn't like how several tales ended, but loved the shit out of others.
It was a fair cop.
And that Korean chick and Halle were HAWT.

CONTINUED IN THE CHIEF'S REVIEW BELOW!


The CHIEF

the Chief: Poor Sixsmith. Bought it with a gun in the mouth just like his lover.

the Rossman: Yeah... That was a horrible way to go. Stop, turn to face Agent Smith, gun placed in mouth, bye-bye.
For some reason I really liked Halle in the 70s garb and haircut. But wish they gave her a Foxxy Brown fro.

the Chief: Yeah, the did a good job with that section. It really felt John Grishamy
But that's ok cause Keith David as Shaft was great.

the Rossman: Shut yo mouth!

the Chief: I'm just talkin about Keith David

the Rossman: Then we can dig it

the Chief: I think he's the new "The Best Voice" now that James Earl Jones is retired

the Rossman: Oh god yes! Fuck man, he was Goliath!.....Goliath....

the Chief: Yep, and admiral Anderson in ME.

the Rossman: And he narrated "The Great Pillow Fort War" on Community

the Chief: Like I said, I think his voice is the hotness. He no longer has to exist in the shadow of JEJ.

the Rossman: Oh, so big question: was everybody with the shooting star birthmark the same soul? Or were the people played by the same actor the same souls in different eras?
I have my theory, Cupcake has hers.

Agent ElrondCpt Rugged: I think the actors were irrelevant. It was the souls that mattered IMO.
The star was more of a link than to say it was the same person I think.
A link of fate

the Rossman: Okay. I like that idea.
Fuck you. Your idea's better than mine

the Chief: lol

the Rossman: Want to download that Cloud Atlas Symphony now. That was a very beautiful composition.

the Chief: It was pretty cool. Made a good movie score.

the Rossman: I concur. They did a fine job with the different tones of music too, while still tying everything together... This was a huuuuuge undertaking in every manner!

the Chief: Yeah, I'm actually impressed it got made. I agree with MovieBob. I would have expected this to be a low budget indie idea.

the Rossman: They could have done the composer, the 70s era, and 2012 just fine in an indie production, just not the other tales too well
Oh, and can I copy this conversation for my review? I'm just feeling lazy as fuck this week.

the Chief: Go forth
Make sure to say how much tumblr sucks dick.

the Rossman: Oh, I will. Oh yesh I will
TUMBLR SUCKS DICK!

the Chief: NICE!

the Rossman: So what else? Cool time jumps, fantastic editing, interesting use of actors, great makeup (well, most of the time), and Halle and Korean girl were hot.
Hmmmm, wonder if North Korea is still best Korea in that future world.

the Chief: Great comedy in the british bit.

the Rossman: Violence and tits!
What more does one need?

the Chief: I posted my "fuck tumblr" rant on P-A. Now they are all posting quotes from a site called tumblrtxt. Shit is hilarious.
"Do you understand how terrifying the words “vibrating strap on” are for an asexual? That’s like saying “the holocaust” to a Jew."

the Rossman: : ....................................... Okey dokey.

the Chief: Tumblr, ladies and gentlemen.
I rest my case.

In the end I find that I have nothing really bad to say about Cloud Atlas. Yeah, it was a bit long, but I never looked at my watch once while in the theater. Great acting, great individual tales, and lots of conversation brought about by its telling. If you don't mind a kind of cerebral movie, well then I whole heartilly recommend it. I give Cloud Atlas 90 out of 101 Shooting Stars of Glory. And Captain Rugged said he liked it too, so we'll say he gave it a Thumbs Up. Why not?


CUPCAKE

The Rossman had been looking forward to this movie for weeks now, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into by agreeing to go. First of all I had no idea it was 3 hours long. I also had no clue that it featured 6 different stories all spliced together all willy-nilly, jumping backwards and forwards almost randomly throughout its entire runtime... But in the end, when the final story was finished I found that I really liked it, warts and all.

Yes, it was pretty violent at times, yes it was a bit.... strange at others, but it was pretty fun. There's a different kind of tale for everyone: love story, mystery, sci-fi, adventure. I'm pretty sure no matter your tastes you'll enjoy this movie. Like I said, it was a bit long, but that just gave me plenty of time to snuggle up to my shnookums in our fancy seats at the big theater in town.

I liked it, you will too!