Dead Snow

The Nazi-Hating ROSSMAN

Dead Snow is a Norwegian Nazi zombie movie. From that alone you should either be dying to see it, or you're already shaking your head in disbelief that something so stupid exists... And you're a whore.

Dead Snow is a pretty awesome movie on the whole, but it took me a while to see this, and to see what it was actually doing with itself. It's a satire piece more than anything, but at first I thought it was trying to take itself seriously. You see, it starts out like EVERY OTHER Hollywood slasher movie made before it: A group of friends (in this case a bunch of medical student buddies on Easter break) go out to a cabin in the middle of the wilderness for the weekend, far from any cell phone coverage, get attacked by the killer/monster of the flick, and get picked off one by one in horrific and nightmare-inducingly terrible ways, each worse than the last.

I initially believed that this way-too-corny set-up (of the guys and gals driving way out of the way — well beyond all cell phone coverage... as I've already pointed out and they over-emphasize 3 or 4 times in the first ten minutes — to this deserted cabin [belonging to one of the guys' girlfriend who plans to meet them there later], mocking their own situation by pointing out that this is indeed how every previous slasher/horror movie starts out, and then getting tormented by a pure, supernatural evil) was supposed to be taken gravely (pun NOT intended, I assure you), but by about a half an hour in, when one couple actually starts performing/receiving "The Blumpkin" in an outhouse, and then proceeds to have dirty, latrine sex right after the guy in question dropped a giant deuce (and who only wiped once, and did not have a chance to even wash his hands)... Well, by then I came to the complete understanding of what they were trying to do with this thing. And it was indeed awesome.

Anyway, back to the movie. Early on, when the kids are still partying, snow-tubing, drinking, and just having barrels of fun, some old, local, crotchety fart comes along from out of nowhere one night, calls them "spoiled shitstains," and tells them a story of an old WWII German base that used to be in the neighborhood wherein the evil Nazi bastard commander treated the local civvies like crap, and near the end of the war was chased with his most loyal Nazi asshole subordinates (and an ass ton of looted gold and jewels) out into the woods where they presumably froze to death. Ominous music. He tells them that they "must not wake the evil in the woods!" Then he just gets up and is like, "Okay, then, I'll be seein' ya. TTFN!" Oh, but he doesn't leave before choking a bitch, which made me think he was the coolest ancient dillhole ever.

After the old guy departs (and is soon ripped to shreds and devoured by an unknown group of things [which of course are the Nazi zombies, genius]), the kids left in the cabin find a box of Nazi gold and jewels in the crawl space when trying to put a few bottles of beer down there to chill. They can't figure out how it got there, but it seems to indicate that at least part of the fogey's story was true... And soon after the zombie slaughter begins in full. Honestly, NEVER fuck with a Nazi zombie's gold. I thought that was just common sense.

The storyline is just a set up though; it's simply a way for our kids to be caught in the middle of nowhere with no place to run, and be surrounded by fast, vicious, creepy, bad ass Nazi zombies. The script gets very creative in the second half of this thing, both in terms of character lines and beautiful ways for these pretty smart med students to get caught and torn apart. Some of the best gore scenes involve a skull ripping in half, first person perspective of somebody having their innards devoured by Nazi zombies, dangling off a cliff by somebody's intestines, unnecessary amputations, and lots of death and dismemberment by tools found in a storage shed, and by snow mobile.

The filmmakers were also very innovative with HOW they filmed this movie. It all takes place in the snowy mountains and woods of Norway, and whenever a character walks across a field or a path with a foot of snow on it for the first time, it's obviously the first time anybody walked on it. "But that's just common sense!" you blather like a queef out of Oprah's bulbous twat... Yes, and yet it's still difficult to do. There's only so many angles and paths around a cabin or where the production crews' cars are parked that you can do a new take in fresh snow. Go back and watch other movies that mostly take place out in the snow or in a sandy desert or on a beach... They either keep the camera close up to the actors' faces so you can't see all the footprints and tire tracks from previous takes or from the production crew, or they don't even try to hide the marks and it completely takes you out of the movie. That ain't the case here — lots of far away shots in order to see the incredible scenery, see just how isolated the kids really are, or bear witness to the eventual HOARDS of Nazi zombies that soon attack.

Beyond that, the effects in this thing were pretty extravagant. I thought for sure that this low budget foreign flick was going to LOOK low budget too, what with lots of cheezy CGI and terrible make-up and gore. Well, the people who made Dead Snow could give highly paid Hollywood effects people some lessons. Very little CGI was used from what I could tell (if any), and tons of very disgusting ripped off limbs, torn out throats, and blood spatters everywhere. They did an admirable job on such a goofily-premised movie. Good acting (for the most part), the best monsters you could ever fucking imagine (Nazi goddamn zombies), and lots of actually FUNNY humor and fantastic gore.

So, what did I think of Dead Snow? In the end I have to give it Three Thumbs Up. It was funny, it was disgusting, and it was scary. It most definitely tops Shaun of the Dead as the best zombie movie I've ever seen (I'm not really a big zombie aficionado, true, but I've seen enough zombie movies to get a good idea of the genre). Dead Snow has some great deaths (both kids and zombies), some pretty impressive bloody effects, and it becomes rather grand in scale by the end, forsaking the typical smallness of most "alone in the woods" slasher flicks' finales. Oh, and YES, they do answer how that gold got in the cabin in the first place, you fucking morons... Don't be like Carl, and instead think about all the hints they gave in the script before bellyaching about such a stupid (and undeserving) non-problem.

WOLFMAN of the Woods

Zombie movies are pretty lame nowadays. Now that it's all "cool" and "hip" to make all zombies fast and Speedy Gonzales-like they've just gotten repetitive and dumb. Yeah, this thing had Nazi zombies in it, but it was all just the same old same old. Nothing new. Nothing ever new. Fuck you, Norway.

Honestly, is it so hard to do -- make something original I mean? Not that I can think of a better idea, but then I'm not the one shitting out repeat after repeat lame zombie movies with the same plot over and over again. I know better... If I don't have a better idea, then I DON'T MAKE A GODDAMN MOVIE.

You've seen it before... So, if you just like to waste your own time watching the same shit over and over, then you might enjoy it. Me? I'd rather french a light socket while standing in the bath tub than watch it again...

HITLER

Dieses ist der größte überhaupt gebildete Film! Meine Günstlinge bilden die besten Zombies, und sie taten es allen für das Vaterland! Wenn ich sie bitte zu sterben, alle bitten sie mich um um " wie sollen wir unsere Gehirne heraus durchbrennen, mein Führer? " Wenn ich ihnen zur Rückkehr vom Toten erkläre und über mein Gold sie aufpasse, bitten alle mich um um " wie lang sollen wir unsere Hinterteile weg in den kalten norwegischen Bergen, mein Führer einfrieren? "

Die einzige Sache, die von diesem fantastischen Film über meine loyalen Soldaten fehlt, ist einige Kätzchen. Warum sie nicht Kätzchen in diesem Film? haben! Kätzchen gebildet alles besser… Obwohl jetzt, wenn Sie mich entschuldigen, es Zeit ist, damit Satan weg meine Nüsse hackt und mich sie mit einem festen hohen der riesigen Ananas essen lässt mein Anus.

Zwei Nazidaumen oben von mir. Heil ich!