House of Flying Daggers
(Reviewed on 01/25/2005)
The Sharp-As-A-Dagger
ROSSMAN
Do not, repeat, NOT, confuse House of Flying Daggers with Yin-Ping Chu's 1993 classic, The Flying Daggers. If you do, you will be wondering just what the hell everybody's talking about when they praise "Flying Daggers'" incredible cinematography and emotional turmoil. And if you go into House of Flying Daggers expecting The Flying Daggers, you'll wonder what the hell happened to all the hilarious dick and fart jokes as well as the always likeable Jackie Cheung. Either way, it would be unfortunate, as both are great in their own right, but I digress.
Anyway, director Yimou Zhang (of Jet Li's Hero fame) really knows how to pace and frame a movie. House is just as nice to look at as Hero, and I think it's actually more fun. There's just so much more going on in it... Some people might complain that there's TOO much going on, but they're just assholes who couldn't follow a decent story to save their pathetic gay asses. "Why were there so many twists?" they ponder. "All them thar twisties in the plot made my gay, redneck head turn all the way around like that little girl in that priest-abuse movie with the pea soup." Fuck you, fuckface. I thought all the twists were perfectly unexpected, and brilliantly executed. And the epiglorious fights that fill this whole movie out are such a joy to watch! Witnessing countless hoards of government soldiers (well, not really countless, as I'm sure you could count them all if you gave a crap) get their hineys handed to them by the super human abilities of Jin and the girly Mei (aka the ever hot and smoooooth Zhang Ziyi) never grows old. And what makes those fights even cooler is that Mei is blind! Hot blind chicks throwing knives are the coolest type of women on the planet. Well, next to hot bikini models who ride Harleys and fight dinosaurs.
So, House is all about a group of revolutionists who hate the Tang government, and start killing government officials in protest. Oh, and they like to dress in emerald green robes. The government though, after finally killing the leader of the House of Flying Daggers (as the anti-gov group is known as), is trying to squash the group once and for all. Their best plan comes in the form of blind little whore, Mei, who it is suspected, is the daughter of the slain House leader. So some prefectural cops set about arresting her, and then freeing her, so that she will then (hopefully) flee to the remnants of the Daggers so that the government pigs can follow her and kill them all to death. Kind of like what we did to Jimmy Jammer's family last week (we broke Johnny Jammer out of solitary and followed him to his family's secret safe house)... Except that was just for kicks 'cause they were all assholes. FAT assholes.
Back to it, Mei is on the lam, government troops are on her tail, and she doesn't even know if she can trust her bodyguard/jail-springer... but she doesn't seem to have a choice when the horses start galloping and the arrows start flying in her direction. Then there's Jin, the bodyguard himself... But why does a girl like her, who even when blind can kick a soldier's ass five ways from Sunday, need a bodyguard to begin with? Why is the Tang so afraid of the House of Flying Daggers? What is the House's plan for the Tang? Why are waif-like, bendable Chinese girls so goddamn hot? How come Chinese directors can make fight scenes so fresh and new with every confrontation they film, when American directors always fall back on quick (lame) edits and unnecessary zooms that make it impossible to follow the action? Are Chinese kids forced to learn about all the ways they can kill with bamboo in school? Is that how they all seem to know how to obliterate people in interesting ways in bamboo forests when they grow up? What are panda bears? Are they really closer related to raccoons than to grizzlies? How come Americanized Chinese food is so much more appetizing than authentic Chinese cuisine? Is Chen Kenichi really a god?.... Well the answers to some of these questions are answered in this movie. Unfortunately it's only the unimportant ones. I'm still trying to figure out if Chen is a Earth-walking deity, but that will have to wait until another day.
Some people will complain that the movie was too complicated, and that it was too hard to follow. Let me repeat, these people are idiots. They're the ones who still don't get how Bruce Willis was dead the whole time in The Sixth Sense. Don't listen to them. They are morons. You are so much better than they are. Plus, they're ugly. God, they're so fucking stupid and ugly. And I bet they're obese too. Big fat, stupid, ugly assholes. Fuck them. YOU, however, will probably enjoy the shit out of this movie. Even if you didn't like Hero (and what the hell is wrong with you if you didn't like Hero?! Mongo), you will probably like House. And if you reeeeeeeeally didn't like Crouching Tiger, then you will more than likely really appreciate House because it doesn't have any of the problems that CTHD did. It never slows down, it's filled with fights out the yin-yang, and there's a great scene in a whore house. Crouching Tiger only wishes it had a whore house in it.
The Switchin' Sides SATAN
*Tee hee hee!* Yes, that was me, Satan, giggling like a little school girl. You may not have thought it, but this movie really got me wet. Oh, all the betrayals, backstabbing, and violent murders that went on throughout it... Beautiful. Simply breathtaking.
Yeah, it was maybe a little artsy-fartsy for me at times, but when I think about all the vicious lies that pretty much every character told just to reach their own ambitions or just to fuck the girl that they liked. Oh man... I want to shake the writer's hand. I would also like him to do a PR film for Hell. You know, a little something like, "Hey, Johnny! You ever hear of Hell? Well guess what, it's not just for child molesters anymore! It's really for people who don't want to spend the rest of their eternity sitting on a cloud, twiddling their thumbs (and JUST their thumbs since God thinks that whacking off is evil and gross). So c'mon! Join the party down in H-E-double Hockey Sticks now!" And then I'd have footage of giant orgies and fucking and sucking playing in the background the whole time. Then I'd have my army of damned lawyers write up a huge legal statement saying how once you got to Hell you'd never get out, that the footage of the orgies was a lie, and that you'd have to spend your eternity eating steaming shit straight out of the ass of a large rhino, who eats nothing but chili himself. I'd have them tack it all on to the end of the ad and have the statement last maybe 1/6th of a second. God I love being a bitch.
The "Whammin', Slammin'" CARL
Oh hellllllll yeah! Oh man, I just loved the scenes when the daggers went flying and slicing and dicing and the PAIN! That was awesome. I made the Rossman rewind a couple of those shots and then pause just when the blade entered the soon-to-be corpse! Fuck yes!! And that fight in the bamboo.... Fuck fuck yes yes! Too bad nobody really got skewered like that guy in the end of Commando. That was really cool how the steam actually went right the fuck through him and all.
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