HULK (Roawwr!)

The Hulking ROSSMAN

Before I start, let me just say that I remember this time at summer camp that all the kids kept on throwing dead animals into the latrine (i.e. a hole in the ground filled with noxious chemicals and gasses) until everyone threw up whenever they got within 15 feet of the thing.... Well, what made me remember this fond little trek back into memory lane was the fact that I have just seen Ang Lee's shitty shitty gang bang revision of The Hulk. Somebody should just staple this guy's ass cheeks together and feed him a sack of moldy prunes and be done with it. He royally fucked up all that is "the Hulk".

Don't ask me how any film maker could possibly be that inept, but he was and is. Mr. Lee actually took on a project about a rampaging, giant, green angry fellow who likes to blow up tanks and airplanes for kicks... and he made it boring. I actually fell asleep twice in the theater while watching it; and while asleep I dreamed that I was enjoying Daredevil, and then Batman and Robin... and I was pissed when I woke up and realized that I was still in the theater with the boring Bruce Banner and the ever futuckable Jennifer Connelly as Betty Ross. Who was hot and orgasmastic. Seriously, I wanted to bone her ever since I first saw Labyrinth when I was like 9. She is 100% responsible for my puberty. But I lovingly digress.

"What's really wrong with HULK," you ask? It never gets any steam going until the last 20 minutes (and it's 2 1/2 hours long), and even then it's not really all that exciting. Sure, it is pretty sweet to see the Incredigle Hulk jump three miles per bounce, swat stinger missiles out of the sky, and use tanks as hammer-throw things... but you see all that stuff happen once and Ang Lee makes sure that you're already bored with it. It's not that the script or the acting was bad, as they really weren't... especially when it is compared to other gigantisaurus rampaging monster/superhero movies. Even (the ever druggie) Nick Nolte was passable as Papa Banner, Bruce's wacko-jacko dad. Although, granted, he basically just plays himself. Sam Elliot was very good at General "Thunderbolt" Ross, and even that smarmy government asshole guy was good at playing the asshole that he was. Hell, even the CGI Hulk was believable in a lot of scenes..... It was just the flow of the whole thing. Drove me batty.

Now, Ang has a good eye for detail (and apparently moss too), but he drags shit on for the sake of making it "art house-like". He's been told that he's an "art house" director for so long that now that's all he thinks he can do.

"Ang, baby... Boobalah. See this Hulk thing you're doing is fine and dandy and pretty and all, but why the FUCK do you have our $500K per second CGI creation staring at a fucking LOG for two minutes straight, especially right after he just trashed out the entire U.S. Military's Western Defense Branch?!?!"

"Ah, most honorable studio head person, you do not have vision of me, Ang Lee. This is art I make. You see? Art. It not 'popcorn movie'. It is art. It better than Rembrandt! Rembrandt no big and green. But Hulk feel too. He wish he was butterfly and fly fly away. Art makes you butterfly."

Yeah, Ang, so does following 20 shooters with a half dozen joints... Doesn't mean it's healthy for you... You right bastard. YOU FUCKING KILLED THE GODDAMN HULK! Fucking asscock. At least he didn't have old bald guys with green swords flying around bamboo shoots for 3 hours... But he did have those hyper-gay hulk-dogs. A giant, man-eating poodle.... What a cumsucker.

So, what did I think of the big, green and lumbering HULK? It was pretty to look at, but all in all it was laaaaaaame. It needed to be 45 minutes to an hour shorter and move hella faster. It actually made Phonebooth seem exciting. C-- from the Rossman.

The Green Machine CHI-CHI

Holy shmoes and uppity hoes! Those wacky asians, always thinking that they can make movies based on Western culture and folk heroes better than we ourselves can. That's just like we Westerners saying that we can make tentacle rape incest porn better than they can... That's crazy talk!

As for the Hulk, well, it was a nice try, but so was that operation I had to get that goiter removed from my right lung. In that case the doctor removed my testes and put them in castanets and swore that that's what I had signed for him to do. Close is close, but sometimes it's not close enough.

The Hulk was all about this wussy scientist guy, who's losing his hot hot girlfriend whom I would so love to ass fuck right here and now, who gets turned into a giant green monster for some reason and then he fights some incredibly gay dogs, and then he did something where the screen split into four windows for some reason and then Nick Nolte came and fubared up the whole ending and shit. Honestly, I didn't watch the whole thing. I kept sneaking out of the theater to watch Thumbelina 2: The Return of the Thumbilizor the next theater over whenever the Rossman passed out. Which was at least 5 times thanks to the dozen or so mickeys I kept slipping him... Kinda wished I used some on myself.

Yeah, I'll give the Hulk a half of a thumb up, but only cause I got to see Thumbelina 3 and a half times during the course of it's uber-long running time. Shit! Balls! Clit suck! Titties!!

Dr. (They call him "Bruce"?) DAVE

After I was done attempting to make those mutant toad ninja thingies last week, with all that uranium the Rossman had stockpiled from Robot Pedro's last crazy scheme to sell his backyard as a nuclear dump, I didn't know what to do with the glowing stuff. I just let it sit around the lab for a while making me seedless and balder, until the Rossman made me go see this pile of floppy donkey wank-sauce called the Hulk.

Well, the movie was not all that grand, but the idea behind it, well, that's the kipper that I was looking for. See, this gimpy man gets zapped with some heavy radiation and becomes a big lime-green neanderthal who can't be harmed by any guns, missiles or even nuclear blasts. That is exactly the kind of science that I have been trying to do for ages. Then inspiration struck me like a lightning bolt to the right frontal lobe.

First I had to set up the controlled situation and the human test subject. I chose Jimmy Jammer. I had about 20 volunteers to knock the fucker unconscious and throw him in the sealed room that I had prepared in the back of my underground lab, right past the the lemur with the four foot dong. Anyway, when the annoying pigfuck woke up from his concussed coma I let him have it with the radiation. Nothing seemed to happen at first, so then I had Robot Pedro enter the room and shove a uranium rod right up the boy's tuckus. Not only did that appear to enhance him with the correct amount of juice, but it also succeeded in making him angry and transform! Unfortunately he only turned a slight shade of mauve and then an arm with a pair of testicles dangling from it slowly grew out of the back of his head. Oh well, I still have some rods left to test on the Rossman tomorrow.

I suppose I'll give the Hulk a thumbs up for not completely killing my mind and for getting me off my butt to experiment again. I've been in a slump for a while, and the whole thought of mutated muscular men in tight purple shorts really got my fire burning!