The Lord of the Rings:
The Two Towers

The Lord of the ROSSMAN

Finally! Part II of the Lord of the Rings trilogy is upon us. And it was well worth the wait.

That pretty much sums it all up... but considering you're all bastards who want me to waste a few more precious minutes of my life sputtering out synonyms for "awesome" and "pee-your-pants-goodness", well, here goes.

The Two Towers is almost everything it should be. It continues the story of the ring bearer, Mr. Frodo, his amigo in action, Samwise the Brave, and their new accomplice in sneaking into Molten Lava Land, Gollum/Smeagol. That last one being two personages in one body for the most part... And 100% CGI. Now, before you jump on Peter Jackson's back like a drugged-up howler monkey that's high on the smack, let me just tell you that there was no other possible way to create Gollum/Smeagol without computer use. No way. And, after the initial sight of him, you truly begin to believe that he is a real, big-eyed, schizophrenic mess of a thing who's interacting with his fellow halflings in all the scenes that they share. Honestly, Gollum/Smeagol is the best character in this episode. I wouldn't shit you about that. Lord knows I hate crappy CGI more than Mulder. I thought that I would have been the first to lambaste and charbroil Jackson's attempt to make us feel sorry for a bunch of moving pixels, but by gum, he made it work!

The Two Towers is also about Merry and Pippin and their escape from their Orcish imprisonment (that was set up at the end of the first film, The Fellowship of the Ring). We see how they bust loose and meet up with the oldest living creature in all of Middle Earth, Treebeard. He's an Ent. That means that he's a tree herder. If you have to ask any more about that then these movies aren't meant for you. Go see Harry Potter again, dweeb.

Anyway, The Two Towers is also more about the re-meetings of Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn and their once dead, wise wizard friend, Gandalf. And yes, for all you dickweeds out there who couldn't follow plot points if they were tattooed backwards on you forehead (so that you could see and read them when you looked in a mirror, ass), Gandalf the Grey DID die while fighting the Balrog of Moria. Then he was sent back by the powers in the West to complete his mission as Gandalf the White. C'mon! This isn't half as confusing as all that time ripple effect in Back to the Future II. Stay with me here.

Soon we also meet lots of secondary characters, including: Éowyn, Théoden, Éomer, Gríma Wormtongue, Faramir and a lot more characters whose names sound funny to stupid people. Stop giggling! This is serious stuff! Rohan and Gondor get their asses handed to them by the dark empire known as Mordor, Gollum/Smeagol literally wrestles with his other self in order to save/kill Master Frodo. Yessssss.... Then they would have precious... Then THEY would be master... Yessssssss.

Grima tries to seduce both Théoden and Éowyn (for different reasons I'm guessing, but can't really be sure. He could actually be trying to get them both in the sack for Saruman's sake), Helm's Deep is sacked and raped like Mike Tyson's last beauty-pageant date, and Faramir is heavily tempted by the one ring. All bad stuff... trust me.

Now to nitpick. I said before that The Two Towers is almost everything that it should be. Let me explain. Peter Jackson apparently thought that J.R.R. Tolkien's original text was lacking. He thought that there were serious lack-of-humor problems, so he made the noble dwarf, Gimli, the comic relief of this movie. He thought that having other wise and brave people in Middle Earth other than our original fellowship was silly, so he made the rest of the kings and noblemen retarded and hardheaded. Plus he ended the film before we even get to see Shelob, the giant spider-demon thingy. I just wanted to see her, is that so wrong? But all in all these are just minor bitchings. The special effects may seem a bit rougher around the edges than the first film, but they're still amazing in lots of scenes. The whole tone may seem a bit more drab and lifeless, but that's mostly due to the settings (mostly rocky and craggy brown landscapes). And the biggest problem with this movie is that it ends. All I want now is to see the final battle in The Return of the King. Next December seems soooooo far away. But when it gets here, I just know it'll be very precious (yes, I know that the whole "precious" thing has gotten old already, but it's all I got!).

So, what did I think of The Two Towers? I liked it alot. I grant it 41/2 out of 5 Rings crafted for the Rossman Lords! It could have gotten a full five, but for those itty bitty quibbles I mentioned above. But other than me, what's really perfect in this world anyway?

The Untowering KUNI

(Note from the Rossman: Oooookay. Kuni was just so damn excited about this "ring" that he almost got (says him) that his review was even more messed up than normal. I attempted to fix it up some, but it still doesn't make a lick of sense. Enjoy!)

Kuni saw a Tower of power!! YES!! Kuni has a tower(s) in his Kuni pants! TWO towers! How can this be?! Many naked movies made this tower. Kuni saw the naked girl's ring too. YES!! YESS!! It was very nice to Kuni.

The big black man with (the) penis (tower) as big as Kuni's arm took the girl's ring and is now king of (her) ass! Why is (Kuni) not (the/a) king?! Kuni tried to (touch) the ring one time, but the girl on (the) bus said that it was (her) precious. After Kuni tried to slip (his finger) into it, the bus driver (who according to Kuni was big and black too, but not the "king" from the movie) grabbed his arm and (threw him) off of the moving bus. That's when Kuni got a concussion and started seeing hobbits and unicorns and shit... And his ramblings just got stranger.

(Note 2 from the Rossman: I don't think that Kuni saw The Lord of the Rings - The Two Towers. I think he was just thinking about that porno I gave him last year for his birthday, Big Black Dicks With White Pearly Cum. I mean, who wouldn't confuse the two... and apparently reality? Though he gave a thumbs up for this review, I'm pretty sure it was aimed at the guy with the huge cock in the porn movie. )

The WOLFMAN of Mordor

All hail Sauron! All hail Morgoth!! Allegiance to Mordor!!! Bow to them, pitiful little men of the 6th age!

Yes, I have waited my entire life for this movie trilogy to be made. Yes, I am very pleased with how things are turning out so far, with this, the second movie to come out. But, I'm beginning to worry.

See, I had heard that the film makers were going to change a few things for the better in the bringing of this story to the big screen, and I guess I was really hoping all along that in order to throw all us hard core fans for a loop that they would allow Sauron to win at the end when all is said and done. And while it looks like that still might happen, I was pretty pissed to see the Battle of Helm's Deep end as a win for the pussy side. I mean, c'mon! 10,000 Orcs and just because Gandalf has a white steed and the sun behind him he kicks the shit out of them?! Jeesus Fuckin' Christ!! Orcs are twisted Elves, man! They should be even more bad-ass than Legolas!

I still have faith though. All Peter Jackson has to do is have Frodo get killed by the Shelob, have Samwise get twisted by the ring, and have Gollum steal it from him and then get captured by Sauron who would then rip Aragorn and his forces a new one and trample over Middle Earth like a heard of Wargs and Oliphants racing eachother to a playground of defenseless children. Plus they should bring back that bear dude, Beorn, from the Hobbit and make him take Sauron's side. He ruled!

I give The Two Towers a Lovely Sign of the Devil for thinking big. It could have been more evil, but I guess that Jackson's just waiting for part three to tear our hopes asunder. I'm crossing my fingers now.