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The "I Know kung-fu"

Before 1999 Keanu Reeves was only known as Ted Theodore Logan of the rock band Wyld Stallyns. Before 1999 Laurence Fishburne was most famous for his role of Cowboy Curtis on Peewee's Playhouse. Before 1999 whenever somebody mentioned "men in black" people thought about government alien conspiracies and not computer programs named "Smith". Before 1999 the only "matrix" that people were aware of was the Autobot Matrix of Leadership (which was a good matrix to know). After March of the year 1999 all that changed. Mostly for the better (I personally think it sucks that the world will forget that Laurence was once the mighty Curtis... But that's just me).

The Wachowski brothers gave the world The Matrix, and the world was happy, if not a little confused. The story of Mr. Anderson (aka Neo), Trinity, Morpheus and Agent Smith was huge, and twisty. The first time I saw The Matrix I had no idea what the hell was going on. I wondered along with Neo what the Matrix truly was. When Morpheus told Neo that nobody could be told what the Matrix was, that they had to see it for themselves, he was pretty much speaking about the the movie I was watching and not just the machine-made world that most of humanity supposedly lived in.

Anyway, it all goes a little something like this: The world that we know (everything about it, from the sights and sounds to the tastes and feelings) is fake (except for our hatred of Barbara Streisand... That will always be genuine). Well, it's kinda real in the sense that it exists, if only in our minds, but it's not real like we like to think reality is. It's basically a very complicated computer program designed to keep all of mankind as happy as little lambs being led to the slaughter house. See, the reason this program exists is because humans are really just comatose batteries for the machines (who now rule the world after an epic apocalyptic war with the nations of the earth in which the final result was man blocking out the sun to try and keep the machines' power source away from them). Humanity is now mass produced in gooey pods and plugged into the Matrix to live out their lives in ignorant bliss. But a few people deep underground are still free (literally DEEP underground in what I can only guess is a last ditch attempt at a giant bunker built by the US during the great Robot War). They live in the last human city of Zion (a dreary place where everybody dresses in rags and goes to raves when they think they're going to die). These refugees/revolutionists are trying their best to survive and fight the machines. They believe it's their right to. Because they cannot accept the thought that Darwinism is nature's way.

Anyway, so a bunch of freedom fighters led by Morpheus (Mr. Fishburne) and Trinity (Ms. Carrie-Anne Moss) dress up in tight black leather and beat people up in the Matrix in order to find "The One" (not Jet Li, but Keanu's character, Neo). The One is supposed to be the one to stop the insanity and free everyone's minds from the computers... Despite the fact that real life completely blows, but the fake Matrixy life is pretty sweet. Seriously, the "free" people live in the sewers, don't have any clothes that don't have any holes or grease stains on them, and eat reprocessed shit that looks like creamed corn mixed with diarrhea for 3 meals a day. Buuut, the Matrix dwellers live in a clean city, get to wear and eat anything they want, and they can learn kung-fu really fast if they so choose. So what if everything has a green tint to it? To me, that's no real reason to revolt. But, Morpheus thought otherwise. So he and his crew track down Neo, "rescue" him from his digital confines and then juice up his mind with some mad martial arts skillz. Then they meet an old black lady who liked candy and can see into the future, and then Neo learns to become an architect of the Matrix of sorts, and blow evil Agent programs up by diving head first into them. Oh, and he can now fly.

Then, after a few years, the machines finally find out where the free humans' city is, and started digging like crazy mecha moles. Neo, Morpheus and Trinity go back into the Matrix so that Neo can do some more kung-fu on a replicating Agent Smith virus, and then there's something about a Key Master and blowing up a power plant. Then we meet the father of the Matrix.... Oh yeah, if you haven't seen Reloaded or Revolutions yet you had better stop reading now. Sorry 'bout that.

Anyway, the father of the Matrix (aka the Architect) tells Neo that his being "the One" is really just an anomaly in the system that happens every so often. He was just one of many "Ones" who have come and gone in order to keep the whole dance going. But instead of making a pact with the Architect that would save most of mankind, Neo, in typical Ted fashion, basically tells him to go fuck himself (and humanity in the process) while he runs off to get a little poon tang.

Okay, now we're into the final act. Neo gets a crazy idea to go to the machine city on the surface of the Earth in order to convince the machines of something. In the meantime, the machines finally drill into Zion and fuck it up something fierce. Whoa... The Battle for Zion is truly a sight to behold. For you sci-fi freaks, it's on par with the Battle for Hoth in Empire. For you non-sci-fi freaks, it's like the Battle of Normandy, but with Terminators and Robocops playing the parts of the Germans. Shit! Could you see that?! Imagine if all those fucking Krauts were really evil robots from the future. The Allies would have been so screwed. But it would have been cool... Well, if our guys didn't die and all. Though I think the Japanese in WWII were really all droids, but I'm writing a paper on that, so I can't share my facts and reasonings and made up theories with you now...

What? The Zion Battle, right. So Zion gets nucked up its futs but Neo makes it to the machine capital and shakes on a deal with the computer overlords to stop the siege on Zion if Neo cleans up the Matrix of the millions of Agent Smiths that have ditched their original programming and are now taking over every sentient being and program inside it, including the old black lady seer. That's apparently bad. So Neo and Smith beat the living tar out of eachother in one of the all time greatest fist-fights I have ever bore witness to without crapping my pants (in all honesty though, the only fight I ever did that was one I was personally involved in... And that defense mechanism actually helped me win). Then Neo realized that the only way to win is to... Well, just go see it. I won't be a prick and completely ruin the fun.

Fun... That's what The Matrix series is all about. Yeah, it's kind of deep and all for a kung-fu movie, but face facts, it's no Schindler's List. It's really not about making you think or philosophize about your place in the world. The Matrix movies are solely about cool visuals and things blowing the fuck up. I'm pretty sick and tired of lame l337ers out there who try to bash The Matrix now because it's become popular. Honestly, if you asswipes were shown the Matrix trilogy all at once years before anybody else had even heard of it I guarantee you that you would run straight to the net and start typing away to your circle jerk buddies that you had just witnessed the coolest set of movies that you had ever thought could have possibly been made. But now that your faggy family actually knows about it and thinks that it's good entertainment, your whole gay world has been destroyed. How DARE they like something that should only be liked by you and your blowjob pals!.. Fine then! You'll just bash it because anything they like is retarded. Just like N*Sync and the Backside Boys and -- errrr, wait, bad example. They really do suck... But you get my drift.

Oh, wait! I almost forgot to cover The Animatrix! Forgive me, assfucks. The Animatrix, for those of you out of the loop, is a series of short animated films that explore the idea of the Matrix beyond what the films could do. Some of the shorts are side stories that touch upon perceptions of the Matrix program by following people who have had strange and unexplainable experiences with either glitches in the system or the bending of the laws of the place. Some explain some of the history behind the whole Matrix world, and some of The Animatrix stories are lead ups from the original movie to its sequels. And the animation is almost all uber-sweet (except for the last Aeon Flux-like minifilm that just blows cybernetic dick). It is truly amazing to see all the international talent that went into The Animatrix and realize that despite all the high-level Japanese anime names that went into its creation there is not even ONE tentacle rape scene to be found on the whole DVD. Not one. Wow.

So, what did I think of the the world of The Matrix? I find that I have to give it an Neo-riffic Two Mighty Thumbs Up. It is an incredibly fun story with lots of twists and turns and some special effects that will probably still be impressive for another 1-2 months. I really can't separate all of The Matrix movies out and rate them as individual pieces since they flow so nicely into eachother and they are meant to be seen as one full story. Honestly though, yeah, I can see how some people bitch and moan that Reloaded could have easily been edited down to about 30 minutes and tacked on to Revolutions without missing much... But I'm glad they spread it out. I'm glad that I have three full length movies of such computerized magnitude to watch. Screw you, naysayers. I love my Matrix!

The Reloaded DR. DAVE

I think the person or thing that I most resonate with from The Matrix is Agent Smith. Not because he's such a righteous bastard, but because of what he stands for. He's not the evil digital dickhead that the uninformed resistance would have you believe. No, he's the most levelheaded being in the entire story. All he wants is uniformity.

Now, before all you grandmas fall off your rockers accusing me of communism, that's not what I'm talking about. All I think that Agent Smith was trying to obtain was a little piece and quiet. See, once Smith took over the entire Matrix he never had to worry about cop sirens or fire engines wailing and waking him up in the middle of the night on their way to a stupid human made emergency. Never again would he have to listen to that punk rock music blaring from those portable stereos that the kids like to carry around all over the damn place. Never again would he be disturbed at the movies by assholes who bring their babies or ringing cellphones to the goddamn theater. He actually did it... Smith achieved every elderly person's dream. To have a world full of nothing but himself. He'd never have to worry about finding a partner to play bocci ball with. He'd always have buddies to play poker with, and he'd never have to concern himself with playing too late and getting yelled at by the missus.

Now, with Bob From the Future's help, I tried to create my own Matrix to lose myself in and fill it with nothing but clones of me... But something went wrong. Horribly wrong. After no more than 20 minutes all of myself were cutting loose and letting stinkers go that would each blind a grown man by themselves. Now, multiply that by 20 million and you can see the problem. I mean, there was denser smog in my personal little city than all of Los Angeles during the Puerto Rican Ganga Festival! Not to mention the fact that there was a run on prune juice just hours after the whole program started. Damn you chaos theory!! The next time I start my own Matrix it's going to be me and 19,999,999 clones of Glenn Close. She's still quite the cat's meow!

I think I'll give the Matrixes a thumbs up. Good ideas, just misused.

The Revolting ROBOT PEDRO

Hu-mans lose!! Hu-mans lose!! Ha ha ha! Robots will rule the world! Hu-mans suck robot ass! Bwa ha ha ha!

I, Robot Pedro, give all of The Matri movies a very robotic thumbs up. Who knew that hu-mans could create such a cinematic masterpiece about the demise of their own species?