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Moon Child
Take 2 and call me in the morning
The Moony ROSSMAN

Boy was I wrong about this title. Seeing the name, Moon Child, and the cover art (with two, goofy-looking guys just staring off the front into space), I was expecting a kooky Japanese comedy for some reason. Not even close. Moon Child is a strange, but cool, mix of Goodfellas, Gungrave, Ghost in the Shell -- SAC 2nd Gig, and Vampire Hunter D. That's an ecclectic hybridization indeed.

I'll just jump right into the plot since I feel like it. Things start out in the near future. Japan's economy has hit the shitter and gone belly up. Pretty much everybody who can flees the country and becomes refugees all around Asia (at least that's what I got out of it). In one multi-cultural town, on one street, Mallepa, a group of boys grow up with an unusual friend. No, not "unusual" like this guy has an active imagination and shows them how to live life to its fullest and see the beauty in flowers instead of graffiti... "Unusual" as in their friend is an undead vampire. Together, the lead child, Shou, and the vampire, Kei, turn into a group of tough-guy gangsters who try to wrestle control of their town away from under the nose of the reigning head Triad/Yakuza/Gangster overlord, and stay alive long enough to enjoy it.

The first part of the movie is all about Shou and his friends starting out as young thugs. Shou and Kei meet and befriend some Taiwanese guy who has a hot, mute sister (whom both Shou and Kei want to bone), and they all become fast friends, have zany fun together, and continue to beat the ever-living crap out of their thuggish rivals, until one of their own gets killed right in front of them. Kei then flips out and attacks the assassins and proceeds to rip out their throats with his teeth, thus freaking the fuck out of the hot, mute girl, and causing her brother to eventually take the side of the main gang that Shou's group was fighting against. Then the rest of the movie becomes an unpredictable tale of revenge, violence, family and friends, betrayal, and retarded Australians who think that the Japanese word for "kitchen" means "ninja."

Moon Child keeps you on your mothafuckin' toes until the very end, and it never even slaps you in the face with its capriciousness like you know its big-budgeted American remake eventually will. Even knowing that what you might initially expect will not happen you still will be surprised how everything ends up by credits' roll. But beyond even that, the thing that I loved most about this movie was that even though a vampire was one of the main characters, this was NOT a vampire movie. It's a buddy movie and a rival movie, where one of the chief players just so happens to nibble on people's necks. And they don't ever forget that he's a vampire either as Kei's "condition" plays into the plot throughout the flick. It's a pretty novel idea that you know Hollywood will rape and ruin the shit out of it when they recast and rewrite it. I want Hollywood DEAD. I want its children DEAD! I want its dog DEAD!!! DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!!!!!!!

The only thing that really got to me was the ending... And not that "getting to me" is a bad thing. The ending made me think. It made me ponder "friendship" and what it means to live forever. I'm telling you, this whole movie really caught me off guard. It was the last movie in a batch of DVDs that I ordered from my Hong Kong supplier that I watched, seeing as the other seven flicks were bigger budgeted and bigger named features... But none of the others impressed me as much as this, which is why I chose Moon Child as my next review, and not Typhoon, Shadowless Sword, or even The Duelist. I honestly cannot fathom why the idea of "gangster vampire movie" has never been done before... Or at least not like this (yes, I am aware of the cheesefest known as Innocent Blood).

And call me Japanoignorant, but I have absolutely no idea who Hyde and Gackt are (the two lead characters). I'm guessing that they're gay-pop singers or something since everybody is so absolutely amazed that they can act (and they can). It's apparently a big deal that they carried this movie off, but they just looked like a couple of pretty boys with colored contacts to me. Now you know more than you ever wanted to about this movie.

What'd I think of Moon Child? If you have the chance, watch it. Watch it before it gets remade into a "comical farce following the zany hi-jinks of a wonked-out gangster and his hilarious, sarcastic vampire buddy out to rid the neighborhood of goofy mobsters who just don't understand" American piece of shit movie directed by some hack like Michael Bay. I give Moon Child two thumbs up, and I pity anybody who actually went to see The Departed instead of renting the original Infernal Affairs. You people make me sick!


The Gangsta JAIME

Oh... My... Gawd... The two main actors in this movie were like so hot! This was the hottest Chinese movie that my brother has ever made me watch. Yeah, there was some blood and some gunplay, and some death, but these two hotties totally made up for any of the grossness. I want their Asian babies!

I guess if Lord of the Rings proved that not all movies with elves in them are really lame, this movie proved that not all vampire movies are pathetic. Oh boy were those two guys whose names I currently forget so incredibly HOT! I give them both a thum up!


The KUNI

NO! Kuni says "no" to gay vampire movies! All gay vampires are to do is to be sucking Kuni blood... From Kuni penis! That is not Kuni way!

If Kuni is to be vampire Kuni choses to go titty-suck on large breasted American boobies! Yes! Why does the gay vampires always only suck on boys? Kuni uncomfortable watching. Sometimes Kuni even need to zip up.

No Kuni stars for gay vampires. 0 of 5 say Kuni. Now Kim-Chi is to show Kuni brother what to suck!