The Mummy Returns
(Reviewed on 05/10/2001)
The ROSSMAN
Imhotep was one baaaaad mutherfucker. So bad in fact that they had to bring him back from the dead. Twice. Maybe three times. I lost count.
You see, in the original movie (The Mummy) he was called out of undead retirement because Rick and Evie were morons. They opened a book they shouldn't have and read shit out of it that they shouldn't have after opening a cursed tomb that they shouldn't have. That's how we get the undead walking around sucking our souls, people! It was apparent that they'd never seen an '80s teen horror movie.
Well, needless to say, at the end of the movie they killed lots of mummies (including Imhotep of course) and saved the day along with that gigolo dude from Duece Bigalow. But, it wasn't the end of evil mummies as we know it because the film made something like a billion dollars worldwide and on video. After the money started rolling in the producers were like "Wait! There's, uh, another chapter to this story of dead dudes from ancient Egypt and it has the Rock as an arachnid king with 8 legs and shit!.... And did we mention that it'll make an ass load of money too?" And so the sequel was greenlit and Dwayne "THE ROCK" Johnson was cast as the Scorpion King who can grunt and make it mean anything he wants.
Anyway, the story of The Mummy Returns is that some idiots want Imhotep back so that he can kill the bad Scorpion King and thus inherit his army of evil dog-men who were kind of cool, but not as cool as Gozer's dog-demons in the original Ghostbusters... But I digress. So of course Evie and Rick are pulled back into the action along with their son because it would have been lame if only Evie's dickless brother fought all the mummies in this film. Really lame. But the best character from the first movie also returns and kills lots of bad guys, sand-dog-creatures and pygmy mummies on his own. Antoine from Duece Bigalow: Male Gigolo should have been the lead in this flick! He could have just ordered his collection of hot chickies to claw the chunky Imhotep and the Rock to shreds. But back to the movie.
It's 9 years after the mummy died for the second time and Evie is having lots of flashbacks to some really hot cat fights with Ank Su Na Mun (the mummy's main squeeze) and she can remember how to unlock weird doors and stuff. Hell, screw the plot! You want to see mummies attacking people and big scorpions cutting people up don't ya! Then check this movie out. The special effects were not as good as the first one and they seemed a bit rushed in the end, but it's still pretty rugged to see a bunch of midget mummies eating a stupid man alive! That in and of itself pays for the admission price!
CARL
The Mummy fuckin' rocks, man! I liked how he got his jollies watching people in PAIN!!! That is always cool to see. I'd screw that chick in it too! Well, there were two chicks in it weren't there..... Hmmm, I guess I'd do 'em both. Don't want to leave anybody out now, do I?
Anyway, I was like thinking that the first Mummy was okay, but I wasn't sure that I really wanted to see another Mummy. I mean he's like fuckin' dead already isn't he. How would they get around that plot hole, huh? Well, I'd tell you how but I really wasn't paying attention. There were quite a few chick on chick fighting scenes that kinda preoccupied my mind away from the whole "storyline" thing.
Dr. DAVE
The Mummy Returns was the biggest pile of horse shit that I ever saw. What the hell were they thinking?! Do you know how goddamn hard it is to resurrect a body that's been dead for a few years? Let me tell you something, it's REALLY goddamn hard! It's also totally impossible to put life back into a 3,000 year old Mummy. I mean, I've tried to bring back Elvis and that undead zombie-creation couldn't even sing "Blue Suede Shoes"!!! How the hell does a 3,000 year old Mummy actually know how to use magic and kill people like that? I guarantee you that if you were to ever bring an Egyptian Mummy back from the beyond you'd be lucky if you could just keep it from crapping itself every few minutes! Trust me, it's hard enough for my father to do it, and he's only 102!
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