NANA (live action)
(Reviewed on 03/29/2006)
The Live Action ROSSMAN
Re-retarded! Re-re-retarded! I said it's re-retarded, re-re-retarded. All of it. All two hours of this movie (the NANA live action flick) were completely and unequivocally retarded. I am a little more retarded myself having sat through it in its entirety and having been forced to see the world at large from the perspectives of two completely retarded women. I'm so fucking retarded right now I've got Hermes House Band's rendition of "Show Me the Way to Amarillo" stuck in my goddamn head, and all I can remember is that goddamn refrain. It's actually making me miss the time I had "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred repeating in my brain for a week. I've been weeping like a willow. I just want to suffocate myself with my pillow...
Why is this flick so bombastically retarded, you ask? First of all, it's a chick flick... But not that I outright hate ALL chick flicks (My Sassy Girl is sasstastically great), but NANA is just about two stupid girls with the same name (i.e. "Nana," which is also what we call my grandmother) doing stupid things and pissing their retarded and stupid lives away.... You know, just like real girls in real life. Perhaps that's what totally turned me off to this movie -- the fact that it just seemed like a documentary about the lives of two, retarded, moronic girls named "Nana" who room together. Personally I hate drama movies that don't have a PLOT. Movies that end up just wasting a few hours of your day making you watch people do mundane and boring shit without resolution. Guess what, movie makers... I fucking LIVE that existence day in and day out (just with much less retardation than this movie dished out, and not on weekends when I do all my "chores"). When I sit down to watch a movie I don't want to think about real life -- I want to see giant robots blowing the fuck up, super-heroes swinging on webs through New York City, and spies blowing up giant robots and shooting at super-heroes swinging through the city! I want ESCAPEISM.
NANA has no escapism in it at all. Nothing fantastic or cool ever even happens to these girls. Have you ever had to find an apartment to live in? That's a good chunk of the movie right there -- only with probably half the excitement and wonderment that you went through apartment hunting yourself. Have you ever been to a concert? 20 minutes of screentime there too, only the band that the Nanas see sucks. Ever have a job where everyone pisses all over you? How about having boring conversations with your roommate? Or falling asleep with your clothes on? Or eating breakfast? Have you ever eaten breakfast? Well you can watch the Nanas-chan do it a few times in this movie. NOTHING ever happens!!! Well, I stand corrected... Something DOES happen (although veeeeeeeery sloooooooooowly), and it happens to both Nanas. They both come to certain revelations about their love lives. But let me start from the beginning just so you can see how unapologetically retarded this whole thing is.
NANA is about two stupid women named Nana who meet on a train on their way to the big city. One is a hyperactive goody-goody who thinks that everybody likes her, even though her boyfriend (who she's moving to the city to be near) doesn't even want her near him. The other is a goth/punk/wannabee who grunts instead of talking, who is running away from her old boyfriend who became a big-thing in a gay J-pop band after he left her band. Other than the two girls' names being Nana, the only other thing that they have in common is that they're both idiots when it comes to love. The prissy, stupid one can't see that her boyfriend hates her, and eventually starts cheating on her with a cute midget, and the leather and studded one can't see that the guy she let get away was the only true love she'll ever find in life. This movie obviously tries to be all about "grrl powah" and fem-freedom and shit, but it's so goddamn gay and retarded... NANA is like a mentally challenged and really gay mix of Spice World, Thelma & Louise and Men in Black (Who Like to Have Sex With Each Other) . A really gay mix.
So these two girls meet and are like "Oh, wow! You've got the same name as me! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Let's be BFF!" Then they do boring, stupid shit for an hour. Then the peppy Nana finds out that her boy toy is fucking a dwarf who likes to suck on helium balloons. Then more boring shit happens. Then the other Nana realizes she still loves the guy she let get away.... If you can't guess just what the fuck happens next YOU ARE RETARDED.
Ugh, this thing was such a waste of my time. The only reason I watched it was to make up for all the violent and awesome movies and shows I made my sister watch over the years. This time I let her pick what we'd review. After it was over she was all like "That was sooooo sweet! Oh, I think I'm gonna cry now! *Sniff*" But then I started pointing out to her that absolutely NOTHING happened in the movie, and the girls were both fucking stupid, ill-written morons who would have been Darwinized had they lived thousands of years ago on the plains of the Serengheti. "Oh, look at that giant saber-tooth tiger over there! Come here, kitty! Psst pssssst! Here, kitty, kitty! Aaaaaeeeiiiiii! Why did that giant carnivore just eat me?!"
Then my sister told me that the movie was great BECAUSE it was boring (don't worry, I didn't get her point at first either). She then went on to explain that the movie captured the greatness of what makes life so much fun and some crap. That's when I told her to follow me around for a day some Saturday to see that REAL life isn't so hammer-to-the-head tediously monotonous, and that interesting stuff really happens to real people on a daily basis. She agreed to the social experiment.
The day started out with Robot Pedro kicking in my door, looking for a blender for some cats he found in my neighbor's house or something. My sister and I left before anything went into the appliance in case questions were asked later on. We then met up with the MegaPlayboy and he introduced us to a couple dozen high-class hookers whom he had met the night before, and then we all played Twister and Pop-Culture Trivial Pursuit for a few hours. After that was a visit to Dr. Dave to drop off some dead high-class hookers for his experiments (that Trivial Pursuit game turned ugly fast!), and then he talked us into helping him round up some genetically spliced mini-elephants that got loose in his lab and were leaving land-mines all over the place... And yes, they were real, explosive land-mines... Something to do with their restructured cybernetic pancreases. We got out of there with just a few burnt hairs, and then I took her over to Malcolm Z's pad so that I could pick up some Spanish Fly (New and Improved "Virgin Moistener" Industrial Strength Spanish Fly) that I ordered from him a few weeks ago. Long story shorter, we witnessed a drive-by shooting, got chased by some cops who believed in the philosophy of "shoot first, fuck questions," got a lesson in drinking old farts under the table given by the Skipper, and I punched Carl in the face, when he opened his door, for something I owed him from two weeks ago. All that by 7pm. Needless to say Jaime was impressed. Honestly, I think that she really does live a life as uninteresting as the Nanas in the movie, and that's why the movie struck a chord with her. But even still, that's no reason to let crap like this be made.
The Boring JAIME
This movie was not bad at all. In fact it was one of the most entertaining movie-watching experiences that I have had in a long time. And perhaps it was even the first good movie-watching experience I've ever had with my brother. Thank goodness he let me pick the movie this time! I think he wanted to watch something with the word "overfiend" in the title. What does that even mean?
I liked NANA. The main characters were both named Nana and they were very different from each other, but they turned out to be the bestest best friends either could have ever hoped for. They liked to go shopping together, and visiting each other's boyfriends, and hanging out in their kitchen and talking about their boyfriends. It was just so action packed! The 2 hours just seemed to fly by.
My brother is a very big ignoramus, and he seemed to miss the entire point of the movie. That point being that a girl has got to be free to be herself in order to be happy. No, wait... But the fun-loving Nana was herself, and she still got dumped. Hmmm, well, I'm sure that there's a lesson in there somewhere. Don't worry about it and just watch this fun and really really great movie for yourself! You'll thank me for it. (Note from the Rossman: No you won't. You will HATE her for it)
The MALCOLM Z
Okay, you little fuckas. You know that I'm all for equality and shit when it comes to people of color (except for whitey), gays, and women, but this shit has gone too far! This piece of shit Nana movie was so fuckin' wrong for so many fuckin' reasons. Yeah, it had some people in it who weren't white -- they score a mothafuckin' point for that. All of the male characters were fuckin' gay, so I have to give them unbigoted props for that shit as well. And it was about two women who lived like Laverne and fuckin' Shirley in Japan... Yeah, they's was cute and shit, but GODDAMN was they fuckin' dumb!
Not just the Chinese bitches, but the gay guys and the whole rest of the goddamn cast... They was all so goddamn dumb! D-U-M-mothafuckin'B, DUMB. They did dumb shit, acted dumb, and then did some more dumb shit. Was I supposed to be shoutin' at the screen the whole fuckin' time "NO! You stupid yellow bitches! Can't you see that you so goddamn dumb?! That gay guy's so fuckin' cheatin' on you! Just bust a cap in his skull, slit that bitch's throat, and frame yo fuckin' roommate for the murder! Jesus fuckin' Christ in a handbag! You so dumb! AND gay!" Cause that's what I did, like a fool! Damn gay, stupid, fucked up, gay movie, done made me act a fool! Yeeeeah, fuck you, you goddamn chink movie!
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