Old School

The old school ROSSMAN

I don't think that I've ever pissed my pants in a movie theater as bad as I did while I watched Old School. Lately, it's even rare that I laugh out loud while watching a movie, let alone relieve myself of some bodily fluids. But such is the charm of Will Ferrell. Yes, I blame all of the goodness that is Old School on man-child Ferrell. The man is a fucking genius when it comes to stupid looks and retarded double takes. I wish I could have his children.

But onward to the review. Old School is a college movie. Honestly, it's right up there with Animal House as being labeled THE college movie. Every collegiate base is covered, making it the perfect cinema choice for the typical alky frat boy. You have the "average joe" main character who's just trying to make it through life, or whatever. You have the "party animal friend" who's got a bipolar condition where he's sweet and lovable one minute, and a drunk violent bastard the next. You have the "un-square friend" who thinks that all his buddy needs to get back on his feet after a bad breakup is some tasty poontang, and he does anything to give it to him. You also have the "vicious dean" who hates the protagonists for being "cool" and for being able to party like he never could in his prime. You have the "hot girl" who's dating "the biggest dickhead in the world" (i.e. the guy who tries to make out with other girls behind his girlfriend's back and sees nothing wrong with it, but when the deserving hero tries to get with his girl, oh boy, that's when the gloves come off). You have the "eclectic collection of pledges", each trying to get into the frat for their various reasons, and then you have the retread plot of "underdogs who just want to party getting slapped down by da man, only to come up with a plan to save their way of life (while the regular guy tries to bag the hot girl), only to be fouled at every turn by the bad guys, only to rise above said bad guy's evil scheme at the end by their tenacity and mystical beer power."

What makes Old School stand out over and above the likes of Van Wilder, Up the Creek, Revenge of the Nerds I, II, and III, and Sorority Chicks With Big Tits in the Frat House IV? To be honest, the only reason that this movie is so goddamnedly bonerificly funny is (like I stated before) because of Will Ferrell. If he wasn't in it, then Old School would have only been a very average or below average attempt. Seriously, without Mr. Ferrell shooting himself up with a horse tranq, running naked through town with his Jell-O butt jiggling, trying to rip Andy Dick's head off with a towel, or singing Kansas' Dust in the Wind at an old military vet's funeral... well, I doubt there would have been many outright chuckles during the entire 90 runtime. Sure, Vince Vaughn as the "Stereo King" was a pretty good smug-buddy, and Luke Wilson was likable enough as Mitch, the main character of the story... But Frank the Tank, as played by Ferrell, rocked my world. If I could have just watched him set himself on fire while in a college mascot costume, or lovingly clutch a blow-up doll while in his bathrobe on the front porch a few more times, I'd have been in Rossman Heaven. What we need is "Will Ferrell - THE MOVIE". Fuck plot. Fuck characters. Just Will for an hour and a half prancing around and being himself. Let me tell ya something, my first born's name is going to be Willferrell Ross. Boy or girl.

So, what did I think of Old School? Fue muy macho! A great frat pic. I give it two thumbs of collegiate integrity up. Other than Ferrell, the best part of the movie was seeing the fates of the two assholes during the end credits. Beautiful. I shed a tear of pleasure.

The unschooled CHI-CHI

It's movies like Old School that make me wish I went to school. Well, college that is. See, after high school I thought I got my prom date pregnant, so I got a job being a professional drinking buddy over at the Sea Wench Pub and started bringing home the bacon for the missus and the tyke to be. Only problem was that that cunt wasn't pregnant, she just got incredibly fat at the end of our senior year. She ate me out of house and home and then I had to push her car off a cliff onto a herd of wild buffalo because... well, just because. By the time I got my life back in order and my bar tab almost paid off, the fall semester was already in full bloom over at the local university... Plus I was extremely lazy and didn't feel like even turning in the paperwork to attend. Actually, I didn't even pick up the paperwork that I needed to fill in to apply to attend. That's a lie too. I didn't even think of picking up the paperwork that I needed to fill out to apply to attend. Instead, I just broke into the local TKE chapter house and began living off of their scraps (of food, alcohol and women).

It was a good life. All the fun of college, none of the edumacation. But then one day I was discovered. Trojan Man, i.e. the chapter president, found out that I wasn't paying for my newfound TKE friends (like they all apparently had to do) and challenged me to a fight to the pain. Being not too well read I had no fucking clue what he was talking about, and I seriously doubt he did either as he was about one more Jack and Coke away from imitating that alien that Chris Elliot found on that one episode of Get a Life. The alien's name was "Spewey" if it helps you visualize it.

So anyway, I threw some human feces, that I had been saving for a while, in Trojan Man's eyes, then I put on my steel toed boots and kicked him in the Bloody Mary until he conceded and made me the "Ruler of South Campus". God, those were good times!

Back to Old School though. Yeah, I'd have to go along with the Rossman on this one. Will Ferrell made this movie. I tell ya, if I was gay, I'd let him give it to me! Oh yeah!!!

I give Old School 4 out of 5 stars. It made me laugh.

The oooooold ANGRY AMY

I guess this movie wasn't made for me, huh? See, I was so rooting for that dean guy to kick all the frat boys' asses back to homo land. Goddammit!! Just because he was a stickler for the rules and hated the party people doesn't make him evil, does it? I mean, I hate the Rossman and his friends and I love rules. That doesn't mean jack or shit.

Aw, you know what, fuck 'em!

Here's a finger up for Old School.