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The Robot-Lovin' ROSSMAN

This is THE MOVIE that guys from my generation have been waiting their whole lives for. Everybody who would squeal with glee when they found out that the local UHF station would be playing a Godzilla or a Gamera movie on a Saturday in their youth has been counting down the days for Guillermo del Toro's Pacific Rim since it was first announced a few years back. True, there's no "man-in-suit" action going on here, but the SIZE, the spectacle, and the sound of it all.... I just jizzed my pants again remembering what I just witnessed.

Pacific Rim is essentially "Godzilla Versus Giant Robo." It's giant monsters trying to destroy humanity and the nuclear-powered, human-made mecha created to stop them. And it's directed by the man who gave us Pan's Labyrinth and Hellboy 2. And it stars It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's Charlie Day and Ron Perlman. I mean, JESUS, it's the perfect storm of badassery! I honestly can't think of anything negative to say about this masterpiece, but shit, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's go back and talk a bit about the plot. I got time, you have no life, what have we got to lose?

So Pacific Rim goes a little something like this: Giant Monsters start popping out of a dimensional rift in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and attacking coastal megalopolises like San Francisco and Manila. The Earth shits its collective pants. The governments of the world then come together and start working on an army of giant robots called Mecha Godzillas, I mean Evangelions, I mean Gundams, I mean Sentinels, I mean Jaegers to fight the Kaiju (a Japanese word that means "giant beasts") in hand-to-hand combat. For years the Jaeger Program (headed by the gatekeeper in Thor) is a total success, but soon the Kaiju start getting bigger, stronger, and tougher, and the Jaegers start getting their asses handed to them after some terrible and epic battles.

Soon the world leaders decide to start building a humongous US-Mexico-style wall around Pacific Coastal cities as a form of protection that the almost obsolete Jaegers just can't provide anymore, but the Kaiju simply carve through this defense perimeter as if it were made of Jell-O, but the powers that be don't seem to give a shit seeing as admitting that they were wrong would make them look bad.

The remaining Jaegers (only 4 of them: one from Russia, one from China, one from Australia, and Gipsy Danger from the US) are all put in Hong Kong to defend the city before its defense wall is constructed, but the commander of the mecha program decides to use these last remaining goliaths to take the battle to the Kaiju's birthing spot and try and shut the rift down once and for all. Giant, city-wide battles then commence, and tons of shit gets smashed or blowed up real good!

Oh, and there's the bit about the Jaegers being so damn huge that there has to be two brain-synched pilots driving them, and the main American pilot lost his co-pilot brother when Gipsy Danger fought a Kaiju outside of Anchorage, and he has to find a new partner to brain-synch with before this final battle where the fate of the world rests on his shoulders. Oh! And there's the subplot of super smart scientist Charlie Day (snicker!) and his attempt to brain-synch with a Kaiju's brain in order to see where they're coming from and what we can do to stop them. Oh, oh, OH! And lest we forget Ron Perlman's Hannibal Chau who deals with blackmarket Kaiju parts and looks like the pimpingest motherfucker in gold-scaled shoes you've ever seen, and his part in all the shenanigans that take place. Good times all around!

And beyond the most excellent cast, and the beyond amazing visuals, the SOUNDS of Pacific Rim make you smile with just how huge they are (the whirring of enormous robot engines, the smashing of buildings, and the roars of behemoth Kaiju), and the background music is something to behold too! It's the kind of inspiring, over-the-top trumpet blasts and beats that make you cheer for the good guys and wish horrible pain upon the evil monsters, and it's absolutely perfect for this flick. I honestly don't remember a movie soundtrack of just a musical score this empowering since the original Pirates of the Caribbean movie all those years ago.

As I stated above, I have nothing bad to say about this movie. It's well told, well directed, well-enough acted, it's got amazing visuals, ear-pumping sound effects, a brilliant musical score, and Charlie Fucking Day as a genius scientist... Seriously, try and top THAT, all you Hollywood types who're remaking Godzilla as I type this! I give Pacific Rim two building-sized thumbs up. I haven't had this much fun in a theater since I learned that trick about the hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket


The Confused CHI-CHI

Why, Pacific Rim? Why did you turn out so shitty? You had a good director, a good cast, and giant fucking robots fighting Godzillas. You had a recipe for success, and when they pulled you out of the oven, you were a We're-Going-To-Have-To-Detonate-The-Core-Manually!-What?-That's-Crazy-Talk!-That-Would-Be-A-Suicide-Mission!-I-Know-But-If-We-Don't-Do-It-Then-The-Earth-As-We-Know-It-Will-Cease-To-Exist! movie. Feeling disappointed.

The last bit of the movie ruined the whole thing. It could have been awesome.

(The Rossman here... I just have to say that I think Chi-Chi's lost his fucking mind. His only complaint about the coolest giant monster movies ever created is something that doesn't affect the plot or characterizations, and only serves to up the tension a little [the manual reactor scene is only really 60 seconds long and doesn't drag shit out at all]? Jesus, Chi-Chi, you complained that The Avengers was a terrible movie because Captain America's new costume was "kinda ghey," didn't you?)


KUNI

Scientifically speaking, this very weak film. Honestly, who think that we can make robot that big and able to move so fast? And kaiju are way too big for muscles to carry and punch with. They need bones made of steel, and muscle bigger than body can pump blood to for to move and punch and fly. And there no way shipping freighter not fall apart after being used as Buster Bat to kaiju head like that! And Form Blazing Sword?! Sword would have broken into 100 pieces if swung into kaiju bone! Too much horse shit.

..........But Kuni still like.

Kuni like A LOT! Super fun, but science people need to write movies more. Make robots more real, and kaiju not so silly.