Shaolin Soccer

The Kung-Fu'd ROSSMAN

I first saw Stephen Chow's Shaolin Soccer years ago. The only problem was I didn't know how to write a review for it. It was almost TOO perfect. If I raved and ranted about how high-larious it was, and sucked Stephen's dong over how brilliant the script was you would have thought that the Chinese film industry had me in their pocket with big bribes of money and Chinese whores. And if I said that it was just too weird and bizarre to ever be considered casual movie watching material by round-eyed viewers you would have called me a racist for thinking that my fellow non-asians were too stupid to understand the pure brilliance of the film. You can see my dilemma.... Or can you?

Anyway, after sitting down with Team Greenwood and watching Shaolin again, I decided to bite the bullet and just go balls-out in my review of it. To hell with you naysayers! Go! Now! To hell!... You heard me. This is golden shit.

Speaking of golden shit, Shaolin Soccer starts out with long term Chow collaborator, Man Tat Ng, as "Golden Leg" Fung, blowing the game winning point of a soccer match and then getting his priceless legs shattered by an angry mob. We then fast forward a few decades and find that Fung has become the lackey of his old teammate, Hung (who coincidentally rigged Fung's career ending injury), who is now himself a major bigwig in the world of soccer and the owner of Team Evil. Fung, a broken and empty man, finally leaves Hung after being mocked one too many times in front of the evil team. But, all is not lost for the ex-Golden Leg as he soon runs into Sing (the awesome Mr. Chow himself) and learns how kung fu can change the world and make anything better.

See, Sing and his 5 kung fu brothers were told by their martial arts master that they needed to go out into the world and find a way to make the masses realize just how great kung fu is. But all of the brothers, except Sing, seemed to have lost their will to do anything with their skills, and have gotten on with their lives... But each of them feels that something is missing from their existence. Enter Golden Leg and his dream to start a soccer team that will kick Team Evil's collective ass. The rest of the movie is a very inspired underdog sports story in which the outcome is known from the beginning, but the ride is unforgettably funtastic. Yeah, that last line sounds lame, but Stephen makes it work. Have you seen God of Cookery? The Tricky Master? From Beijing With Love? If he can turn those lame concepts into feckin' wicked awesome movies then you just know he can weave Shaolin Soccer into pure anti-shit (that's the opposite of "shit", so that's good).

Now granted, Stephen Chow has had some INCREDIBLE misses in the past. Some of his earlier attempts at comedy may have had you dry heaving in your La-Z-Boy (such as the should-have-been-aborted $60 Million Man and Royal Tramp [which proved that you CAN have too many penis jokes in one movie]), but he's learned his lesson. No longer are his jokes "stupid stupid" (like transforming himself into a really lame giant talking toilet and freaking out when a woman with an intestinal problem comes charging at him... Once again I can't make that kind of shit up), but he's learned to make them "really fucking funny stupid" (like after beating the tar out of a group of hoodlums making the remaining skinny loser pay him ten bucks... Trust me, it's twenty thousand times funnier on screen).

One more thing that I want to talk about (that I was initially really pissed off about when I first saw Shaolin Soccer) was that Chow got the ever fuckable and incredibly gorgeous Zhao Wei to play his girlfriend in the movie, but he buried her beautiful face under some of the ugliest make-up effects I've ever seen!... On purpose! Yeah, she's pretty by the end, but that first look at her pock-marked puss almost made me want to hunt down Chow and kung fu kick him in the Shaolin Nads for his crime against hot Asian chicks and humanity. I mean, I would have done it if I wasn't such a lazy arse. But I am. I'm not ashamed of it, at least I admit it, chunky!

Speaking of getting a kung fu kick to the nads, that brought back some terrible memories of when my Screaming Scooby Doos grade school soccer team had to play Carl's Pele Ball-Crackers team for the tournament. I don't think my team had control of the ball even once during the game, but Carl's team controlled two balls at once on more than one occasion. Christ! I'm sweating right now just remembering the horror.... The HORROR!.....

So, if you like fun movies, go see Shaolin Soccer. If you like well written, fast paced movies with lots of action, go see Shaolin Soccer. If you like to laugh your butt off while being totally and completely kung fu entertained, go see Shaolin Soccer. If you like to watch gay pr0n.... Go do that, but don't ever tell me about it. THEN go see Shaolin Soccer.

So, what did I think of Shaolin Soccer? Well, it was a ton of fun. A kick to the crotch. A triumphant ball to the face of good timesness! I give it 4.66 out of 5 Stars of Kung Fu Anti-Evilness. If you can, try and find the original Hong Kong version of this funny flick. The American version is totally edited (seeing as every second of this movie is great, I don't see how this is possible except for the fact that the American distributors suck cow testicles). And don't forget to keep an eye out for one of Stephen's old friends, Karen Mok, in one of the best cameos EVER. You might miss her with the mustache.

The "Sock-Her" CARL

Yeah, this kung fu movie was really kind of weird. Most of the time I couldn't tell if it was being serious or retarded. Just like the Rossman. I still can't tell.

One thing is for sure though, Team Evil reminded me of my own soccer team when I was in 3rd grade. We were the "Pele Ball-Kickers" and we kicked plenty of ball (we're the reason it became mandatory to wear a cup in all kiddy sports starting in the first grade). We would tear up the field as we kept slide tackling opponents, and everybody on Pele's Ball-Kickers kept trying to do bicycle kicks for their goal attempts just to be as cool as the Brazilian wonderboy himself! Too bad most of our bicycle kick attempts ended up connecting with the heads of the players of whatever pansy team we were playing that week. Near the end of the season most of our challengers forfeited the games by never even showing up, and we Ball-Kickers ended up just kicking the shit out of each other. It was a battle royale foosball game, I tell ya! Not for the pussy of heart. It was all good times, except for that one incident with the coach's preggers wife, the flying cleated shoe, and the truck filled with Gatorade that still haunts the dreams of some of the wussies that I used to call "teammates". Lamers.

I think I'll give this Kung Fu Soccer movie a thumb up. Lots of violence and super-move butt kicking at the end. Hmmmm, I think I might take kung fu up myself in order to blow up a goalie from half a field away! Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.

Team Evil ROBOT PEDRO

Hu-mans suxor. Yes, even flying, kung fuing hu-mans are stupid creatures. In the future, hu-mans still cannot fly of their own volition. Robots can. And we kill all hu-mans who try to do kung fu too. Fuck you, hu-mans. Robot Pedro is tired.

Any hu-man movie gets a thumbs down from Robot Pedro. This one is no exception.