So Close

The Chick-ified ROSSMAN

Sometimes a chick flick isn't really a chick flick. Confusing, I know, but bear with me. Let me put it to you another way. Thelma and Louise was about two chicks driving around having wacky, lame adventures that only women could possibly enjoy without swallowing their own tongues in amazement at the retardation level of the movie. Verdict, total chick flick. Where the Boys Aren't Volume XIII is about a bunch of chicks fooling around and having sex with eachother. Verdict, a chick flick for men. Comprende?

Anyway, the Hong Kong movie So Close is one of the second kind of chick flicks. It's main characters are all women, but it's really aimed at men. Unfortunately no, there is no sex between any of the pretty stars, but two of them do kiss. But I'm getting too far ahead of myself.

So Close kind of goes a little something like this: There are these two sisters (one gorgeous, the other really good looking) who kill people for money. They use their late father's super-science satellite technology to hack into any video security system in the world, and use it to kill people for money (one runs the satellite and the other goes in on foot with lots of guns). While they're killing people for Hong Kong pesos, some super cop (no, not Jackie Chan, but an okay-looking yet reeeeally agile and ass-kicking female cop) comes along and starts to track the two siblings down like foxy rabbits. During the hunt, some of the people that hired the hot sisters to kill for money turn on them as they don't want any ties that might lead back to their corruptible corporation, or something like that. You know what, who really gives a shit? The plot was a little on the unbelievable side, and that whole satellite technology deally is really just a McGuffin Device that allowed the writers to write some really fun sisterly bickering, and some really groovy action scenes. Does that do anything for you?

The opening 5 minutes of the movie pretty much sets the stage for what to expect. This scene is all about the really really hot sister walking right into the heavily guarded top floor of some evil corporation's evil skyscraper, and then having her systematically take out all of the guards and the evil number one super executive (who the two sisses were actually hired to rub out) without messing up her hair, scratching a nail, or batting a curly eyelash. This action piece is pretty interesting. It's got some Matrixy-type moments in it, but nothing that'll really make you say, "Those lazy Chinese fuckers just ripped off the Wachowskis! Lame-O!" And anyway, keep in mind that the Wachowskeletis originally ripped off HK cinema themselves first... But I digress (you uncultured goons).

So, after the assassination, we see what daily life is like for the Dynamic Delicious Duo. How they spend their money, how they fight eachother while in skimpy outfits, and how they evade the law. The law. We mustn't forget them, or at least not the super cop who feels it is her destiny to hunt the bizatches down and make them serve their justice jail time for killing evil douche bags for money. Super cop chick is pretty stylin'. She may not be as hot as the two fuckable sisters, but you know what, I'd hit it if given the chance. The way that she moves in some of her stunts just blows my mind! I can imagine setting up a swing or a trapeze in my bedroom and letting her just go crazy! Maybe a dancing pole too.

So we have the sisters hunted by some old clients and the super cop, but then super cop finds the femme fatales only to be targeted by the old clients herself. Uneasy truces form, break, form again and then get taken for a bumpy ride through a pretty cut-ass-rugged finale. Except for one twist (that completely surprised the fuck out of me and kinda pissed me off, not because it was bad storytelling but because I didn't want it to happen) So Close was really satisfying. It ain't Shakespeare... But at least it's infinitely better than Shakes the Clown. What does this mean? Well, it means that So Close is what the theatrical Charlie's Angels movies tried to be. It's fun, over the top but incredibly enjoyable. And it took the best part of Charlie's Angels (i.e. Asian hottie Lucy Lui) and gave us three hot Asian bangs for our buck! Take that, Hollywood!

So, what did I think of Hong Kong's So Close? I have to give it a 8 out of 9 Rossman Flowers of Femininity. I'm strong enough as a man to express my appreciation for this movie as such. It was a good, action and chick filled Asian romp.... Mmmmmm, Asian ruuuuump.

The Soooooo Close CHI-CHI

Niiiiiiiiice. This movie made me feel good inside. And lil' Chi-Chi got a kick out of it too (not that I let him out to watch it, but he was able to enjoy the mental images of the three Hong Kongy starlets [Shu Qi, Zhao Wei, and Karen Mok] that I was mentally projecting to him in poses that are probably impossible even for their bendable tiny bodies).

Anywho, watching this movie really got me to thinking... Are all Chinese women this fucking cool? So I decided to find out, or die trying. You know, dying from exhaustion or a heart attack in the middle of naked passion kind of trying. So I went down to Little China Town and began looking for some criminalistic hot Chinese sisters to test my theory out on. The first group of girls spit on me and hit me with some kind of dead bird when I asked them to show me if they could balance naked on my crotch. I found that reaction quite odd. The next three groups of girls that I approached ran away screaming. After I zipped up I thought about how peculiar it was that all of them had simply sprinted in a straight line away from me and my pants. None jumped or flipped their way up a fire escape, or used eachother's bodies to climb to the roofs like those acrobats that you see in the circus with no spinal cords.

The final group of women that I found smiled when I approached them with my scientific offer, but then they quickly threw me up against the wall and handcuffed my hands behind my back. It turned out that they were in fact super cops out on some kind of sultry sting operation that I happened to get in the middle of (I hope they eventually catch the whores and whore-buyers that they were looking for). This at least proved to me that Chinese female cops the world over are tough little ladies who could probably crack Bruce Lee's fortune cookies if given the chance. So there's always that.

I'll give So Close a big thumbs up. It was fun, but kind of weird. Just how the hell did the sisters get their dad's satellite technology back from whoever stole it in the first place? And where did that really good looking sister get those "action pumps"? If I ever decide to start cross dressing you just know I'll have to get me a pair of those.

The Little Asian Chick KUNI

The part of Kuni will be played by a little Asian girl for today's review.

Tee hee! I like Herro Kitty very much big time. :)

For new cell phone I make ruv to you in ruv hotel around corner. You buy my panties for ten dollar? They stinky, good price.

You no like school girl? I can be big girl if you like too. Big girl, but no big boob. So sad :(

You want me wear sailor fuku for make ruv time? Ooooooo, you like that! Yes! And stockings! You can rip my stockings too! Yes, that is what I do for you in ruv time. I can get younger sister to join you for bouncy bouncy. You like? She wear cat ears if you like. Yes! Then you make ruv to school girl and cat! Ooooo, baby, you sooooo rucky! Good time. We show you good time. Only you pay now.

Now. Sucky sucky later. Pay now.