Super

The Super ROSSMAN

I just watched one of the greatest superhero movies I have ever seen... No, not The Wolverine (which was pretty damn good in its own right), nor Kick-Ass 2 (which I'll probably just wait until it hits the dollar theater). I'm talking about Super. A small-budget flick featuring Rainn Wilson (The Office's Dwight Schrute) as the hero in question (the Crimson Bolt), and also starring Ellen Page as Boltie, Liv Tyler as The Bolt's wife, Kevin Bacon as Jacques the strip club owner/local drug lord, and Nathan Fillion as The Holy Avenger. This movie is a goddamn work of hyper violent art!

I had seen Super sitting on Netflix's pimped menu for a long time now, but only recently decided to give it a shot since I was bored this past weekend and Cupcake had to work. I remember Chi-Chi telling me that I had to see it too, but Chi-Chi thinks that The Decalogue is the greatest cinematic achievement known to man, and he doesn't think that it's a bowl of pompous and pretentious pee-pee and poo-poo, so sometimes his recommendations have to be taken with a grain of salt.

So what's Super about? It's about Frank's (Rainn Wilson) world getting blown apart and him finding that there's only one way he can deal with it — vigilantism. You see, at the beginning of the movie Frank only has two memories that he finds to be happy: the day he married Liv Tyler and the time he pointed out to a cop where a purse snatcher ran. Soon though his ex-druggie wife falls off the wagon and is stolen from Frank by Jacques, the local scummy (but very charismatic) drug lord, and our protagonist is devastated. He doesn't know what to do with his shitty little life as a line cook at a shitty little diner (where he first met Steven Tyler's hot daughter), but soon he has a vision of The Holy Avenger (a godawful Christian superhero that Frank saw on the local public access Jesus Network), some tentacles, and the finger of God directing him to a new purpose in his piece of shit life.... That would be to become The Crimson Bolt and stomp out crime, and maybe save his wife from Jacques (who wants to keep her constantly drugged up because she's much easier to handle that way).

So Frank (who lives a pretty sheltered life) goes to the comic book store in order to find out how superheroes without special powers kick evil's ass. Store clerk Ellen Page sets him straight, but becomes a bit enamored of his cover story that he's just doing research in order to create his own hero. Soon Frank develops his own super identity, The Crimson Bolt, and his own super power, the ability to smash in thugs' faces with a giant pipe wrench, and afterwards the streets of his small town are never the same. This is especially true when Ellen finds out his identity and demands to be the Robin to his Batman in her own kind of sexy costume that she made in order to be like her real life hero, The Crimson Bolt. A shit ton of very extreme violence then occurs, Jacques' men figure out (quite easily) that Frank is the new vigilante and start gunning for him, people get shot, drug deals go down, and some dude even gets his legs smashed into a brick wall by Frank's POS Bolt-mobile.

Then the finale comes and pipe bombs, Wolverine's claws, and projectile "bolts" go a'splodin', slashing, and flying, all leading up to one of the most satisfying confrontations between a jilted lover and his wife's new man I've ever seen (What? That's not a spoiler, you knew it'd come down to that). Goddamn it had me cheering!

Now, do not get me wrong, this movie is not really a comedy. We basically watch a sociopath with no people skills straight up bash in people's heads with a goddamn giant pipe wrench for an hour and a half. Oh yeah, there are a lot of funny scenes in this flick, but it's much more disturbing than stuff like Kick-Ass and even Watchmen. And when Ellen Page joins the fun as Boltie, an entirely new level of mentally fucked up-ness is introduced. Boltie has SERIOUS issues when it comes to hero worship and equal justice (thinking that it's okay to smash a young douchebag's head in because he might have keyed her friend's car). And there is one scene in this movie that is just outright fucked the hell up, and I don't mean the part where Frank pukes in the toilet then sees his puke form the face of his wife who then talks to him... I mean the scene directly before that.... It's funny, yet horrific, and slightly titillating all at the same time. Oh, you'll know it when you see it.

In hindsight, Super is what Kick-Ass was trying to do. This is more like what would really happen if a weirdo with no skills (besides swinging a pipe wrench) puts on a homemade costume and hits the streets in a bid to save innocents from perceived evil. There's no 11-year-old uber assassins, no beatings that take away the nerves that let a person's body feel pain, no super villains... There's just Frank running around screaming "Don't do drugs!" as he smacks possible drug dealers in the head and stomach with a fucking pipe wrench. But despite that, this movie is very fun (extremely dark and twisted, but fun), very bloody, and it has an ending that, even though it may not have been exactly what I wanted, made me smile. Goddamn I hope people don't typecast Rainn Wilson as Dwight Schrute and he gets more chances to spread his wings in more roles like this. He's pretty super!..................... I am soooo sorry I wrote that, but I'm too tired to write a new ending to this review, so, like, whatever.

So what'd I think of Super? It was one of the bestest superhero stories I've ever seen. It had me laughing, crying, cheering, and cringing every second of its runtime. If you can stand a little blood (okay, a LOT of blood) and a little psychosis (okay, a SHIT-TON of mental issues), then you'll like it too. I give Super at least 9 out of 10.5 Super Stars of Justice. Watch it tonight!

And holy shit! I just found out that the writer/director of this movie, James Gunn, is writing and directing Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy! I now have 100% faith in that production. Awesome!

CHI-CHIIIIIII

"Super"? Who named this turd?

They should call this movie "Drooper," because that's what my Johnson was doing throughout this lame ass movie - at least until the scene when Dwight gets violently raped by Juno. That was kind of hot.

I also sported wood when Dwight killed a black guy's face with a pipe wrench. Don't judge me.

I give this movie 7 out of 48 wangs. Why is my rating system based on 48 wangs? Because 47 would be fuckin' stupid, you jackoffs!

JOE

Yeah, I'd use a fuckin' pipe wrench on the fuckin' bastard's head who stole my wife from me, especially if the fucker got the bitch all wonked out on smack and crack and shoot-em-ups! Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em all!

After that fuckin' pipe wrench I'd then get a sock and put a bar of soap in it, then I'd strip the fuckers down, tie them to a chair with no bottom, and alternately smack the fuckers in the gonads with the soap-sock and use some pliers on their nipples. Then I'd stomp on their dog's skull while they're all writhin' around in fuckin' pain in that chair, then I'd rape their daughter in fuckin' front of 'em, and I'd spank their fuckin' daughter's white asses till they was red too. Then I'd cut off their own fuckin' tongues and use their tongues on their daughter's ass and then her kootchie coo. Then I'd kill the fuckers... Just 'cause you don't fuckin' fuck with another man's wife! Capice?

The weirdo in this movie had it right, he jus' didn't go far enough.