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Thirsty vampires

The Romantic ROSSMAN

For all of you Twifags out there who think that your gay stories are the most perfectest "vampire romance" plots ever cooked up, well, you really need to hold on to your emo-ovaries for uber-director Park Chan-Wook's newest flick known as Thirst. If vampires were real, THIS is what their relationships would be like: bloody, violent, secretive, and very raw and raunchy.

God bless Park Chan-Wook! He's done so much for cinema in such a short amount of time! First, his Vengeance Trilogy set the world on fire with just how far the idea of vengeance can and should go, then (and even though it was not really a good movie), he gave us a peek into the hearts and minds of crazy people like we've never seen before (without going certifiable ourselves), and now he's given us "vampire love" in the most realistic, animalistic way I think it's ever been portrayed. Yeah, Angel-heart-Buffy is just another "should they/shouldn't they" scenario compared to this incredibly hard-R rated flick. And the style! My GOD, man, the style that Chan-Wook heaves upon this thing... It's just breathtaking. But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.

So what's Thirst about? It's all about Sang-hyun, a shabby, wimpy priest who's not very good at his job, constantly belittled by the staff and his patients at the hospital he works as chaplain. Sang-hyun finally decides that he'd best be used by his fellow man if he signed up for vaccine experimentation for a cure to a new disgusting disease (the EV Virus) that's been discovered that turns the body into one giant blister-factory before killing the victim in a puddle of their own bodily fluids. So far the vaccine that's been tested is 100% ineffective, and since Sang-hyun never traveled outside of South Korea or had any way of contracting the ailment previously, the doctors then had to make sure that he was exposed to the EV. And boy howdy did he ever get exposed!

Shortly thereafter Sang-hyun is nothing but oozing blisters, and soon after the initial infection he finds himself on death's door, where not even a blood transfusion can save him. But then, miracle upon miracles the priest has a complete 180 in his recovery, and before the doctors can believe it he's all but cured of his predicament (thanks in no part to the vaccine, but 100% to the vampire-laced blood transfusion).

Father Hyun then goes back to his normal life, but he finds that a little while later sunlight seems to set his skin on fire, he has heightened senses and inhuman strength, and he now has an almost insatiable desire for human blood. Thankfully he works at a hospital, and night shift is something he can swing (mostly because nobody ever notices him anyway), and blood bags are everywhere for when he gets hungry, but things really start to get awkward for him when the patients and their families start believing that he's a walking miracle with a direct line to God because of his recovery from EV (the only one out of 50 volunteers to live); and through the forcefulness of one mother to get Sang-hyun to pray over her sickly adult child, Hyun is reintroduced to an old childhood friend and his (not hot, but pretty) wife. And he starts to pop a vampire boner.

Because his old idiot friend miraculously gets cured from his cancer after Father Hyun prays over him, the priest is pulled into the man's awkward family circle and is forced to watch a parade of embarrassing and uncomfortable moments with not only the mother and wife, but a group of friends who really, really like to play Mahjong. And openly mock their spouses.

So the idiot friend's wife, Tae-ju (who was raised in the family as a sister to the idiot since she was three and her parents just abandoned her), begins to get that moist and gooey feeling between her legs for the priest (who actually shows her some kindness and affection, compared to everybody else in her family who treats her like raccoon shit on the pot roast), and soon enough she jumps his bones and shows him what the horizontal mambo is all about. Needless to say Father Hyun's mind is BLOWN, and this depravity (along with his own bloodlust) spirals his world into dark, dark places... But holy damn if it isn't fun to watch!

For those of you who think I gave away the whole movie just then, relax, all that shit just happens in the film's first 30 minutes (out of over 2 hours of runtime). It's all set-up for the insanity that follows, and that frenzied sadism is the centerpiece of the whole story. Yes, vampirism is just a metaphor for human greed and lust in Park-Wook's flick, and you can really look deep into this thing to find whatever message you want to about falling from grace, giving into temptation, and living like an animal instead of a good Christian soldier, but really, this movie is just all about making Twifags see just how absolutely PUSSY-like their vampires are.

Father Hyun and (this really can't be much of a spoiler) Tae-ju have hot, horny, sweaty, full-screen, vampire sex over and over again. They kill humans and drain them dry many times during the course of the movie, and I adore them for it. They're powerful and vicious, and soon they commit crimes that neither ever thought they ever would dare back in their old lives. And the ending! Wow! The last 10 minutes of this thing are just fatalistically beautiful. The compassion that comes back, and the pure desperation that drives all parties involved to make their choices... I watched it 3 times in order to fully take it all in. That's the greatness of Park-Wook (well, when he's not making retard-filled funny farm movies for nobody in particular): His stories are super rich and detailed, and you fully understand what happens in them the first time you watch them, but you don't fully COMPREHEND them until you've seen them multiple times. I can't wait to see what he does next.

So, what'd I think of the South Korean vampire movie Thirst? I find that I have to give it 69.2 out of 73.1 Fangs of Gory Glory. It was like nothing I'd ever seen before, and it had some of the most startling and rich character development I've ever witnessed put to film. It's not for the average (vagina-filled) viewer though, as its savageness and sexuality (and the idea that a Catholic priest can turn into the undead and kill) is not toned down for anybody.

If you have an open mind (and don't mind subtitles), give this thing a shot. Twifags, you especially! THIS is what vampirism is about — not glittering douchebags who eat bears.


Twi-JAIME

Okay, what----ever. This Chinese vampire movie was so gross. My darling Edward would NEVER do half the stuff that that Asian priest did! He KILLED people with his teeth, and he drank blood from innocent people who didn't want him to! And he had S-E-X with that lady vampire! What kind of a world do we live in where "vampires" like this actually DO these things?!

And the woman in this movie, she was no Bella. She hurt people, got NAKED, and did very dirty things with and without blood around her. BLOOD! In a vampire story!!! What the HECK!

And why did these "vampires" get burned in sunlight? I just don't understand what the heck these people were thinking. I do NOT need violence, blood, and kinky stuff in my vampire stories! Just give me more Edward and I'll be happy. Ahhhhhh, Edward....

I did not like it. This movie was just the OPPOSITE of what a real vampire story should be about. Thumb down from me.


MEGA-MEGAPLAYBOY

How many goddamn vamp movies must be made a year, Holmes? Yeah, this Thirsty tale had plenty of hot Asian tail and all that, but really, it's just another movie about bloodsuckah's who can't keep they fangs in they pants. Good blood, good fightin' an shit, and good final sunrise... But really, is this shit anything new?

Well, at least the vamps big gay cocks an assholes don't glitter in the sunlight. For that I'mma gonna give it 4 outta 5 Ninja Stars of Destruction.