Traffic

The ROSSMAN (He's on the right)

Traffic was about a bunch of people with drug problems. Well, some were addicted to them, others were selling them, still others were trying to get people to stop using and selling them, and a young white girl was getting fucked by every male in Ohio. It's basically set up something like this: Catherine Zeta-Jones was the wife of a drug selling dude who hung out with some G-Men who were trying to get the guy who said "War... It's faaaaaantastic!" in Hot Shots! Part Deux to go to court and convict Mr. Zeta-Jones in the movie (not Michael Douglas) while Michael Douglas himself was trying to get the U.S. to say that drugs were bad while his daughter got high every night with that kid from That 70s Show and screwed till the sun came up. Benicio Del Torro has a cool name and he single-handedly did more against drugs in the last ten minutes of the movie than all the police officers and government people have done in 20 years in real life.

Lots of stuff happened in this movie. People got shot, stoned, blow'd up and sexed up. But it was also surprisingly boring. Lots of talky talky going on. I think it was trying to be a preachy movie but the only message that I got was that if a Mexican likes baseball enough he'll screw over Cheech and Chong if he has to in order to watch nine innings in peace. Oh yeah, can they even show a girl who is playing a 16 year old getting fucked by a big black nekkid guy on film? Well, I mean I guess they can, I just never realized that half the Megaplayboy's porn collection really was legal then.

I give Traffic 2 1/2 out of 5 Stars-of-Coulda-Been-Excellence. It would have gotten more if Zeta-Jones wasn't pregnant in the movie and wore tight clothes or nothing like in Entrapment.

KUNI

This movie is all about drugs. How can you not like drug movie?! I think I did drugs with that girl. She liked my drugs. I gave her free drugs and she said that I am the king of the world! I touched her booby and she liked that too. This movie had many good things with drugs but I don't remember many boobies. More boobies would be a nicer movie. I can dig it, mother fucker!!! I like this movie to a thumbs up. FOOL!!

(Note from the Rossman: Kuni doesn't really know what drugs are, and he certainly never touched a girl's booby in his life)

the MEGAPLAYBOY

Yo, beezatch! This movie sucked ding dong. I was down with all the trip-hoppin' and teeny-bopper boppin' action with the bullets flyin' and babies cryin' and all that, but then it had to get all preachy and bitchy. I mean like hey, I know that daddies don't like it when no pusher puts the smooth moves on his teenaged party girl. I got pictures! I don't need no movie pointin' in my face and saying that I'm illin' for that shiznet. Fuck you, you horse rapin' whores! Write me a movie about me fuckin' some Charlie's Angels and snortin' the dope and make me the muthafuckin' hero and then I'll spend another $8 at the theater.

But until then Traffic gets a negative 2 thumbs down. And those film makers can lick my nuts!