Rossman Reviews and Ratings
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Lots to see and review!
Thumbs up for my ladies... Real or sculpted
The ROSSMAN and the
Brotherhood of the Nekkid
Women Statue

This has been a record breaking weekend for me. Not only did I see 3 movies in the theater between Friday and Sunday, but all three of the ones that I watched took place in France! Two were historical pieces; Two featured men with missing arms; Two had midgets that worked into their respective plots (i.e. Napoleon and a garden gnome); Two were in French with subtitles; and they were all good. What are the odds on that?!

Yeah, I know, I always make fun of the French and I really do hate most of them Frenchies just out of principle. But once in a while one or two of them will have a vision and make a good movie. Or in the case of writer and director Jean-Pierre Jeunet, you have a visionary... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Let's go back to Friday night. A bunch of us went to see the American made Frenchie movie The Count of Monte Cristo. And no, it really isn't about the inventor of that tasty and artery-clogging sandwich. It's about revenge! And prison. And mullah. Lots of mullah. It was originally a book by some Frenchie named "Dumbass" who was sick of the social issues of the day or something. I wasn't paying too much attention to that part. I'm not easily distracted or anything, but there was a hot little big-lipped and big-headlighted firecracker who showed lots of heavy cleavage throughout.

The plot was cool, even though the acting was cruel. Apparently Americans pretending to be Frenchies are even more annoying than Frenchies just being themselves. Who knew? But screw the actors, the story was what got me. Revenge! Yeah, there's some kinda love and longing going on, but I'm talking about full-on, fabulous revenge! There aren't many movies that take this subject head on and just run with it. It should be done more often. The ending was a bit too "happy happy" for such a dark story-line, but that chick was pretty bodacious, so I forgive it.

On Saturday, we all got together again and checked out The Brotherhood of the Wolf. A total Frenchie production that took the typical period piece motif and threw in some sweet martial arts and a wicked bad-ass monster. Plus it had some hot and sexy Frenchie babes of its own. The main babe was okay, but that Vatican-trained whore with the razor-blade fan was one wild tamale! That Mohican guy was a regular Injun Jackie Chan too. Plus, apparently the ASPCA doesn't have much of a powerbase in France, since there were tons of shots of real live wolves getting shot and flipped and sliced open right in front of the camera. Those PETA freaks would shit their pants if they ever caught wind of this flick. But that's what made it so great. It was a cool action movie with lots of gratuitous fighting and slicing, but it was also foreign. Meaning that it wasn't the typical Hollywood summer movie flick. Yeah, the ending could have had more pizzaz mixed in, but all in all it was pretty damn rugged.

Sunday brought me to see Amélie. I honestly didn't know what the fuck to expect. City of the Lost Children and Delicatessen were both trippy and uber cool, but Amélie was supposed to be set in the real world (or an amazing facsimile) in modern times. Far removed from the post apocalyptic and just plain nutty environments of the director's previous two celluloid masterpieces.

What did I get? Pure genius! Amélie was by far the best movie of the weekend. It was light, but not too light. It was funny as hell in some parts. It had that dude who was the main character in Deli and who was cloned in CotLC in a great cameo/part. It had devious plans to either help or screw up people that were executed with precision by the delectable Audrey Tautou in the title role. Amélie is a babe. She may appear to be goofy looking or comely at first glance, but some of the faces that she makes in the movie gave me a funny feeling in places that my bathing suit covers.

Amélie is about ....... revenge? Well, kinda in a sense. Revenge to a few mean individuals in the lead character's life who don't treat others very nicely. And maybe revenge on herself for living such an enclosed life up until that point when she decided on a new approach to living. But all in all Amélie was about a cute girl doing cute things. It may sound incredibly lame, but it is really trey cool. Once it's over you'll wish that you knew a little minx like Amélie who'd help you sort things out in your pathetic little existence and make you feel all pépe d'poopoo.

In the end I find that I must give The Count of Monte Cristo a 6, The Brotherhood of the Wolf a 7 and Amélie an 8 out of 9 slices of Rossman swordsmanship. For such an historic weekend, that is an even ka-razier way to end things. Ascending order from first to last. But as ze French say "Oh ho ho ho ho, you suck pastry, you annoying pig dog Americans!"

Diggin' that thumbs up vibe!
The Count of KIFF and
JAIMEISTO

Jaime:
French movies are soooooo romantic! I just love how they always emphasize love and romance. Even in that bloody movie about the wolves they had love saving the day. *Siiiiigh*

Why can't more movies be made that capture the glories of life and love and happiness eternal? Yeah, some bad guys must be slain for the benefit of our ideals, but love lift us up where we belong! Love is all around you!! All you need is love!!! *double Siiiiiiigh*

I will give these movies two thumbs up for showing us that love does live on in the theater.

Kiff:
Oooooh yeah! Lots of killing, revenging and even some steamy Frenchie sex! What a weekend!

At first I thought that the Rossman was out of his gourd when he proposed that we all check out some of those weird French films that invaded our neighborhood movie theaters. I thought they would be all "existential" and stuff, where you'd need a degree in psychology and anthropology in order to understand them fully. But once the guns started firing and the swords started slashing I knew I was going to be pleasantly surprised. Heck, even in Amélie they had a cameo by Zorro!

Plus all three had nudie shots of one form or another. God bless those kinky French and their jonsing for body banging!

I give all three films a hearty tit-... er, thumbs up!

"It's like.... UUUURGH!!!!!"
CHI-CHI-elie

What the fuck?!?! These movies sucked! Only one of them was in English and the other two had to be "read"!!! Who the hell wants to read a fuckin' movie?!?!

And on top of that it was quite obvious that none of them were made in Hollywood fer Christ's sake! The nerve of those Frenchies!! "Look at us! We are ze masters of ze cinema! We will make ze movie wissout your stoopeed American movie peoples!" Goddammit that pisses me off sumtin' fierce!!

Other than that whole "foreign" thing I suppose that there was nothing wrong with any of those flicks. Even the fact that Dumbledore was living the jail-house-rock life with the Count of Monterey Crisco couldn't really destroy that movie. And it made me think... What would I do if I had that much mullah at my disposal? Actually I guess the questions should really be "Who would I do? How many times? And how many ways?" Imagine! I could make Halley Berry my personal whore! And I'd make her tell me that she liked the leather and chains every night before lights out! Each time she asked for another whipping would be another $300,000 in her pocket. After having all that fun with Ms. Berry, I'd probably blow up the moon or something. You know, just to make a lasting impression on the people of Earth till the end of history. Fuck man, at least those werewolf people would be happy. That's gotta be painful changing into a beast like that every month cause la Luna tells ya to.... What the fuck was I talking about?

1 - 3 out of 5 Stars from me for all these French movies. That's generous too, but hey, I'm a generous man.