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Tucker and Dale versus EVIL

The Evil-Loving ROSSMAN

Did you ever watch a horror movie where a bunch of stupid and horny college kids go off to a cabin in the woods during Spring or Summer Break, and then fall victim to some local homicidal maniac who seems to take glee in murdering each of the vacationing morons one at a time (each in a more ghastly way than the previous) and wonder to yourself, "Gee, I wonder what that psychopath's story is... Why is he killing all those poor, retarded, boneriffic students like this?" Well then, amigo, Tucker and Dale Versus Evil was made especially for you. And it is quite fucking awesome. Goddamn I love me some hillbilly horror!

I truly enjoy taking chances on stupid looking movies that most people write off as pure garbage. No, that does not include shitty Sy-Fy Channel crapped-out bombs having anything to do with sasquatch, mega-sharks, or mosquito men, but it has everything to do with potentials risks/champs such as Repo: The Genetic Opera, Suck, and Tucker and Dale. And seriously, I really need to review Suck, what with it starring Dave Foley, Alice Cooper, Iggy Pop, Henry Rollins, and Malcolm McDowell, but that's neither here nor there right now. Tucker and Dale is the b-movie d'jour, and if you love Firefly's Wash, Reaper's Jack Black clone, or hillbilly murder movies, you'll love the hell out of this flick. I promise.

So Tucker and Dale goes a little something like this: Tucker (the smoother, smarter one) and Dale (the fat, bearded, kind of simple-minded one) are two best hillbilly friends off on a trip to go fix up, and then spend some time in, Tucker's new "vacation cabin" set out in the middle of the West Virginia woods. At a gas station on their way there they bump into a group of dumbass college kids who are only out to party, drink, and fuck in the creepy woods near Tucker's new pad. Dale is immediately attracted to the sexy co-ed blonde named Allison (30 Rock's Cerie the secretary), but he inadvertently freaks the whole group of kids out with his maniacal pick-up lines, and they tear away in fear. Tucker tries to console his good buddy, but he also tries to teach him to start being more assertive and less of a nice-guy push-over when it comes to whatever he wants.

Soon the college party arrives at their camp site, and we learn from one of them — the douchebag Chad — that 20 years prior to that very day, "The Memorial Day Massacre" took place on that exact spot, and the only survivor of the murderous rampaging hillbilly who viciously slaughtered all the college kids who were camping there at that time was Chad's pregnant mother... His father's body was never even found. After that light-hearted tale, all the dipshit students decide to go "night skinny dipping" at the ol' swamp lake, because they're goddamn mongoloidtastic.

It turns out that Tucker and Dale are fishing and drinking (redundant) just a little bit away from the spot the kids get all naked and start swimming, and they just sit and watch until Allison appears on top of a boulder nearby and Dale (in trying to get Tucker not to look), startles her and causes her to lose her balance, bang her head on a rock, and fall under the surface of the disgusting lake. In all the commotion that follows (including Dale diving in to rescue Allison; Tucker trying to assure her friends that everything's okay, which makes him look like a crazy inbred hick who's kidnapping the girl; and Dale giving the drowned girl mouth-to-mouth in their fishing boat, which makes it look like he's eating her face to the panicking friends), the kids run away, leaving Allison to her fate, and Tucker and Dale retreat back to Tucker's cabin to patch her up and get her warm and dry.

This is when shit gets awesome. Up till this point I thought the whole movie was cute and kind of funny, but I was afraid that it was going to end up being a total misfire of a movie with no real meat to it. My fears were completely unwarranted though, 'cause then came the death, destruction, and dismay like a motherfucker!

The good shit starts off with the remaining college friends going on a "rescue mission" to save their kidnapped blonde amiga from the horrible mountain men determined to rape, murder, and devour her supple body. They track Tucker and Dale back to the cabin, but just as they're about to confront the hillbilly twosome, Tucker — who was busy cleaning up his new property by removing a dead tree with a bee hive in the middle of it with a chainsaw — comes running around from the back of the dilapidated shack swinging his fully revving chainsaw around him wildly, while screaming in pain and jerking his whole body around like a crazy person. This leads to everybody running away with wet pants and one unfortunate mongoloid college kid dying in a most untriumphant way. Then the war is on as the college kids up the stakes and try to outright kill our two lovable rednecks only to fall victims themselves to a variety of deadly "traps" and home improvement equipment. I won't spoil any of the deaths here just because they are all so awesome, especially how easily they happen to supposedly smart individuals. This movie is pretty gruesome, but absolutely hilarious in the way that everything constantly goes from bad to horrendously worse for everybody involved, even though everything that happens, and every last hideous death, is nothing but a monstrous mishap.

What really sells this movie for me though is the reactions of Tucker and Dale to all the insanity that they find themselves in the middle of. When you take a good look at everyone involved, these two men are the most normal people in all of West Virginia... Not saying much, I know, but for the sake of this review it means the difference between "dumb flick" and "really fucking hilarious, and actually quite intelligent deconstruction of the modern 'cabin in the woods' horror movie." I'm dead serious. It's essentially a horror version of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, but with the not-really-all-that-bad "villains" being the point-of-view characters of the film. I'm not saying it's high art, but Tucker and Dale Vs Evil is a pretty damn good way to spend a night if you have a hot pizza, fresh popcorn, and some Papst Blue Ribbon lying around.

So in the end, what did I think of Tucker and Dale Vs Evil? I was worried about how shitty it would be at first, but it came into its own pretty quickly, and it made me laugh my ass off by the final credits roll. Hell, anything with Firefly's Wash in it automatically gets Two Thumbs Up from me. This is no exception.

The Woodsy WOLFMAN

Y'all are gonna think this is strange, but this same exact thing happened to me and my brother at his cabin in the woods about 3 years ago. We were both out there fixing it up, when these punk-ass bitch big-city college kids drove up and started making dicks of themselves. So that night we snuck into their camp, stole some beer, stole some food, and borrowed a cute brunette with a nice rack... Well, next thing you know they're going all ape shit over something and they start attacking us at our cabin while it's Bubba John's turn with the little lady (it was her choice, we let her go like 3 hours after we first picked her up and after she already beat us at 12 games of strip poker in a row). So I went outside to meet them and to try and persuade them to give Bubba John his mattress mambo-time with the co-ed whore. They of course didn't listen, so I let loose with the shotgun I had taped to my back, the saw blades hanging from my belt, and the grenades I kept from that time the Rossman and I broke into Old Man Smucker's place to find porn when we were in grade school. They all died. It was glorious.

When the cops eventually came around they even admitted that smarty-pants city-folk like them more than likely had it coming anyway. Unfortunately Bubba John accidentally ripped the brunette girl's head off while attempting the Triple Lindy, and I never got to partake of her sweet mountains and valleys... Story of my life... I get to do the dirty work, but not any of the DIRTY work.

Good stuff all around, but it really should have been more violent. They should have had at least 24 college kids getting murdered... Hell, even I had 14 that I had to take apart then bury that one night... When real life trumps fiction you know you have room for improvement.


Why can't y'all fuckers leave us po' white trash somabitches alone? Don't y'all watch any horror movies? Don't y'all know that if you fuck with us on our home turf we'll fuck y'all right back, and usually with a hatchet or cleaver? 'Specially if y'all fuck with us when our young'ins are around. We're all like mad sasquatch when y'all come around us then!

Mah point is this: if y'all insist on goin' out into the woods while us mountain folk (Note from the Rossman: She means "redneck cousin fuckers") are out there doin' our own business and stuff, we will shoot to kill if we think y'all might be after our alcohol or young'ins. Especially the alcohol. Y'all've been warned.

Anybody who wants to go out campin' in mah backyard needs to see this movie, then just imagine in y'all's heads me doing all that killin' deliberate-like... Then don't come out anywhere near me. Good movie though. Ah liked how the hillbillies were the smartest folk in it. Jus' like in really real life.