Only in the United States can the military victory of another country become an official "party and drinking day" for people not even of the ethnic decent of the country who's victory it was in the first place. God bless us, everyone.
Anyway, I'm here to review and rate one of the greatest drinking holidays ever, the muy bueno Cinco de Mayo (second only to St. Patty's Day for creating new raging alcoholics every year). Honestly, I don't know what the fuck Cinco de Mayo really means (I mean, I know it translates as "The Fifth of May Drunken Cock Whores", I just don't know its true purpose). Is it like our Fourth of July? Is it like August 9th in Japan? We may never know, but we may never care either. Cinco de Mayo isn't about fighting or wars in America. Nope, here it's all about tacos, nachos and cerveza. Mucha cerveza. Andele! Andele! Arriba! Arriba!
See, for me it all started back in my freshman year in high school. That was the first time I had even heard of the concept of Cinco de Mayo. No, it wasn't in my Spanish class that year that I was told of this holiday, because that would have made sense (my Spanish teacher, though, was a crusty old, evil man from Colombia who we all swore was going to kidnap us and make us work on his illegal and scurvy drug plantation whenever he got the evil chance). No, instead I got my first glimpse of real Mexican heritage and holiday festivities from a Taco Bell commercial -- long before any of that gay talking chihuahua crap. It was an eye and ear grabbing commercial that meant something and taught us all a really good lesson about ourselves. And it sold lots of refried beans. If I remember correctly the commercial in question had a real catchy tune that my whole class kept getting in trouble for singing during the previously mentioned Spanish clase with our sadistic "blow dealer" sensei. The ad had a couple of Mexican guys in sombreros and woolen tarps in a dusty town square (I thought it was the Alamo the first two times I saw it, cause I had just seen Pee-Wee's Big Adventure the week before on TV) who were serenading a group of onlookers with the menu of their local Taco Bell establishment:
"Cinco de Mayo, bean burrito,
Taco, pinto and cheese!
We make the stuff you really like,
So make a run for the border, if you pleeeeeease!"
Or something not even close to that. Wow, looks like Mom was right about sniffing stamps. My memory really sucks the flour off a tortilla. Anyway, the commercial just reinforced in our minds that all Mexicans cared about was wearing giant party hats and singing about all the different kinds of food you can make with only 4 ingredients. But we all loved them for it. They had a CULTURE! And they cared about it so much they were willing to pimp themselves out to the Bell just so they could get the word out to all the gringos the world over who NEEDED to know about the Cinco of Mayo. And for that the world was grateful.
Now, flash forward a few years to college and my first REAL taste of what Cinco de Mayo truly was about. Up till my freshman year in post-high school education, I was under the impression that Cinco de Mayo was a Taco Bell holiday. You know like Hallmark with their Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Grandparents' Day, Birthdays and Christmas. I simply thought it was there to hawk enchiladas. But then I found out the truth: Cinco de Mayo isn't about selling Puerto Rican food, it's about selling Central American ALCOHOL. I think I unfortunately only stuck with Juan's Red Worm Tequila on my first true blurry-visioned Cinco de Mayo fiesta, but subsequent Cincos have shown me the light. They have shown me the glory of all that is Dos Equis Amber, and Corona with a wedge of lime. And I thank Rosita, my sexy, touchy-feely waitress at the Mexicalli Bar and Grill for showing me the correct way to play "Titty Quarters" with shots of mescal. Mios Dios, Rosita was a REAL mujer! Aye yi yiiii!
Never once have I traveled South of the border to actually witness a real Mexican Cinco de Mayo, but to be truthful, I'm pretty sure I'd be disappointed. I doubt that the enthusiasm of a bunch of white, black and Asian guys, who don't speak a lick of Spanish, but who celebrate the Day Rasputin Was Gunned Down by Pecos Bill (probably the closest to the truth you'll ever get out of any non-Mexican about the history behind the day), could actually be matched by the people who live in the real country that the true, historical event happened in (and are bored to death with drinking Tecate, Bohemia and Pacifico day in and day out, and just want a nice thick-headed Guinness instead). It's like how Canadians make a bigger deal of the Queen's birthday than the Brits, mostly cause they don't have to look at her mug every day and hear about how she's shagging the members of Parliament like a sheep dog. That slut.
Anyway, this year I plan to go all out in trying to recapture my youthful interpretation of what it means to be a white guy during a Puerto Rican holiday. I'm going to eat one of everything on the Taco Bell menu (which should keep it under my $2.58 budget), have two drinks of everything that starts with "la" or "el" at the Taco Stand downtown, and then I plan to find Rosita and drink her firm little Honduran ass under the table where I plan to use up that Spanish fly I got a few years back from shiftyeyesore44723 on eBay). Wish me luck, amigos.
This is some fucked up shit, hombres. Yo, mothafucka, I ain't Mexican or whatever, but this shit is just all wrong. Why the hell do you Latin motherfuckas stand fo this shit?! See, you let us Americans just shit all over your holiday and make a drunken mockery of it and yo goddamn culture, and you jus' sit the fuck back and take it up the rear like a bitch. Like a real fuckin' puta. You get me, bitch?
See, all you uneducated crackers out there, Cinco de Mayo ain't the motherfuckin' Mexican Independence Day. That's in motherfuckin' Septiembre and shit. Get me? No, bitch, el Cinco is about the Battle of Puebla in 1862. It's where a few thousand Mexicans busted lots of caps up the Faggy French army that tried to turn all them Spanish speakin' taco fuckers into pastry eatin' coffee slurpers. God! That pisses me off even more than I's already wuz about them goddamn frogs! Ha! At least now they's no longer a world motherfuckin' power. Goddamn Nazi bitches.
So fuck this shit. You turned a motherfuckin' noble as shit Mexican war victory into a drinkin' holiday?! What the fuck is next, honkeys? Make a Chin Chow Chang Day and drink motherfuckin' Tsing Tao while you eat your dog in noodles and claim you is just experiencin' the fuckin' Chinese culture. You make me sicker than super freakin' Rick James.
Cinco de Mayo? What's that? Hmmmm, I don't know about any ancient holidays with such a name as that... But could it have anything to do with the 64 day galaxy-wide festival known as "Chin Chow Chang Day"? Now THAT is a killer holiday!