My car sucks. Instead of waiting until the end of this spiel to rate it, I'll do it right now.
What sucks about my car, you ask? Well, it has had 7 major recalls in the past two years that I've owned it (that is not an exaggeration either.... I mean, I could have said 18-20 to make it sound funnier, but I really just wanted you to know what a piece of shit this thing is). And the recalls were for some pretty important things too, not just "cup-holders that might not hold your coffee" or "cigarette lighters that set things on fire". One recall was for the hood latch which unfortunately had a problem with staying "latched". Apparently around 5-7,000 people had problems with their hoods staying closed while they were driving at 30+mph. The hood would open up to allow the engine to see exactly what the driver was about to crash into. Another recall was for my cruise control, which even more people had problems turning off. I'm serious. A bunch of Exploders were in big accidents because the cruise control couldn't be switched off. Granted those people were idiots for not applying the brakes in order to "stop" and thus escape that dilema unscathed, but it still sucked that I had to once more bring my car back into the shop. Oh yeah, there was also a bit of a problem with tires on my type of SUV exploding and killing people all over the world. That would have been a kick to the crotch.
Now, I hear you asking, "Rossman, so what. So you had to bring your car into the garage for some recalls. That's no biggie." I reply, "You asshole. You might have free time oozing out of your ass, but I'm busy whoring around trying to find cheap PSXII games and used metal CDs all day, every day! I don't have the time to fuck with this crap." Plus, when you pay as much for an automobile as one tends to do, you kinda expect it to not kill you when you turn the key or take a corner above 2 miles per hour. Another thing that truly pisses me off about my car is that when these recalls were/are announced, I can only bring my SUV into authorized (Car Company's Name Deleted) Motors Dealerships to have it fixed. These "parts and service shops" are only legally allowed to hire monkeys on crack and retarded hobos to fix cars too. One time when the ABS light was malfunctioning I brought my auto in to be fixed at the place where I originally bought it. All they had to do was replace a single wire. What they did instead was cut three wires that were doing fine and minding their own business, and remove a chunk of paint off of my hood about the size of a silver dollar. They claimed that the paint had just "fallen off on its own" and the wires must have corroded "on their own".... In under 2,000 miles... Due to a pair of scissors. They have done more damage to my vehicle when I bring it in for repairs then all of the recall malfunctions could have possibly done if left alone. What's even stupider and more ass-eatingly dumb on their part is the fact that my car is still under warranty. THEY MAKE NO MONEY OFF OF FUCKING UP MY RIDE. They have to fix everything that they screw up for free.
It is my recommendation that NOBODY ever buys an Exploder ever again. Or if somebody does, they just use it to kill themselves and their annoying neighbors. You know, the neighbors who make their pet poodle lick them both while they screw like ugly and fat rabbits in your bushes every Saturday night while screaming like banshees. They are total assholes. They must die.
Holy shit. Humans of this era are ridiculously dumb. Take the Rossman for instance. He bought an automobile that was made in America by fat and lazy Americans. And he did not expect it to be a deathtrap on wheels. There was honestly nothing I could do to make that thing any more dangerous to him. I thought of slashing his tires or maybe setting mini charges on them to make them blow up, but the auto manufacturer was already a step ahead of me on that one. I was going to fuck up his brakes so that he would not be able to stop from one of his "120 MPH Races of Exhilaration and Almost Death" trips he normally takes down Highway 316 at four in the morning... but the auto makers had already gone ahead and messed up the stopping system too. Those humans in charge of making these cars should be made to lead mankind into the future. Then all of the homo sapiens would die in horrible horrible deaths of blood and motor oil. Then the world would belong to us robots. I would be king because I nuked the most countries in our robotic rise to power. Then I would "robo hump" all of the fine lady robots that I ever wished to robo-bone. And all would praise me. God bless those fine men who make the killing machines that the Rossman (and most frat-boys) drives. God bless them to hell.
Jaime's review and
The last time that Kiff and I rode in the Rossman's Exploder it hit a leaf and blew up in a spectacular display of shrapnel and (unfortunately) pieces of Kiff's body. Thank Jeebus that Doctor Dave was able to clone him back to life (with the exception of his memories of when the Wolfman and Chi-Chi took him to Vegas for his birthday and got him gonorrhea and the herpes from that birthday party clown they hooked him up with). Otherwise the wedding may have been pushed back a few weeks. We almost have all of the invitations done too! Boy, that would have been annoying.
Kiff's review and
The Rossman has an Exploder? What the hell is an "Exploder"? Who am I?! Where am I?!? Who the hell are you?!?! KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!!!!!!