Optimus Prime

Last year, when Hasbro or Tonka or Milton Bradley or whoever, released the long awaited Unicron Transformer, I thought that the ultimate transforming robot had been created. I was wrong. Almost a year later and those guys over at Transformers HQ delivered onto us the most glorious of all the glories these eyes have ever gazed upon: The 20th Anniversary Collector's Transformer, Optimus Prime. If God ever took robot form, it would be the shape of this red and blue Autobot leader who rose from the ranks to lead his people/machines on to kick Megatron's ass and sacrifice his own life for the prosperity of the universe and our horrified entertainment (hey, I was like 10 when Transformers the Movie first came out. Prime's death scarred me more than my dog's back when he tried to play frisbee with that Cadillac [mostly cause Prime was smarter and not as "biting" as Shaggy Balls was, but that's neither here nor there]). The point is that the REAL Optimus Prime had finally come, and I bought him the instant he became available online for reasons that will become apparent below.

Before I get into it anymore, I just have to say "My God do I love this robot/truck!"

My Optimus showed up one day by kicking in the front door and shooting his giant fucking ion blaster and Megatron gun (I never did ask him how the hell he got a hold of that) all the hell over the place. He came to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and since he has that solid mouth guard in front of his pie hole he can't exactly go all out on the bubblegum thing. So it was up to me to get him plenty of robot ass to kick... And I had just the right person/thing/evil-demon-lord in mind for Prime's violent tendencies. Unicron himself!

Prime laid the smack down on the Devourer of Worlds pretty quickly. He kept shoving his leg-sized gun in Uni's face and saying shit like, "Does Megatron look like a bitch to you?!.. Say 'what' again. SAY 'WHAT' AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker. Say 'what' one more goddamn time.... No, he doesn't look like a bitch? Then why you try to FUCK him like a bitch?!" while Unicron apologized over and over again and sucked his tailpipe. My God it was a beautiful thing to see. Pretty soon Unicron was all passive and whipped, and so I left them alone while Prime went over his transformation instruction manual so that I could get drunk. Holy shit! I'm not shitting you when I tell you that Optimus' transformation is even more complicated than Unicron's! Now, don't be confused here thinking that the 20th Anniversary Prime is the same simple 4-step pussy conversion that his 1984 counterpart was (head flips around, arms pop out, legs come down, snap in hands). Not even close. There are something like 24 clicks and clacks that he needs to make to go from awesome robot to kickin' semi. The reason they had to do this was because the Autobot Commander in Chief now looks exactly like his cartoon self in robot mode; Which, if you remember your 80s animated mythology you'd amember that the toon Prime looked NOTHING like his original toy. From his wimpy toy arms and bulky toy torso, to even his pathetically unbendable toy legs, the '84 toy Prime was nothing more than the mongoloid cousin of the asstastic toon Optimus.

He's built really well too. The 20th Anniversary Prime is like 5 pounds of diecast metal. He's one heavy mo-fo. And he's sturdy too. There was that time that he tried to convert my Red Worm Tequila into energon cubes and I had to bitch smack the fucker into my bookshelf to get him to stop. Not a scratch on him. Some of my manga was royally fucked up from the impact, but Optimus just got back on his feet and started throwing stuff at me and shouting, "And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you," like some holy roller Flanders wannabee. Other than that wimpy Biblic outburst though, the champ's quite the non-wuss, and he's got a hell of an arm. He tossed a beer stein, Snake-Eyes, a bowl filled with State Quarters and a telephone at me before he got winded. I then caved and let him turn some old Jell-O shots into little glowy cubes to shut him up. Still though, despite that outburst, MUCH less annoying than Unicron.

Along with his complexity and pose-ability, the coolest thing about the new Prime was that he actually came equipped with his own fucking Matrix of Autobot Leadership. And to make that last sentence even COOLER than it already is, the Matrix fucking LIGHTS UP in his gaping chest cavity when you open him up like an alien autopsy. Fuck yeah! Seriously, Optimus opens up just like he does in the movie! It's in-frickin'-sane!! The attention to detail is absurd! He can even OPEN the Matrix up if he wants to!!! Holy fucking shit! If you aren't running out and buying a Prime of your own right now, I will personally KILL YOU. Well, maybe not me, and maybe not "kill", but I'll have Carl taunt you. Pussy boy.

Yeah, the Matrix and its placement in Prime is cool and sweet and uber and all, but the little turd kept trying to open the damn thing whenever he was having trouble popping open a can of Bud or a bag of Chili-Cheese Fritos. I was like, "Man, what the hell do you think you be doin', fool?! I have very expensive audio and visual electronics in the fucking house! You open that sparkler shit anywhere near that crap and I'm gonna need a new entertainment center! You listening to me?!" But then Prime turned all indignant on me, rolled his eyes and said, "Normally, your ass would be as dead as fucking fried chicken, but you happen to pull this shit while I'm in a transitional period so I don't wanna kill you, I wanna help you." Whatta guy! He's sweller than Ace Rimmer.

Ahhhh, yes, now to cover the semi-truck Optimus in his transformed mode. Like I said before, it's tough as runny shit to do. I thought I broke him at least twice when I first tried to do it. I've transformed the heroic dillweed around 5 times now, and I still need the instruction manual. Yeah, I'm a moron, but it only took me 2 times to memorize Unicron's pathetic (in comparison) global switcharoo. But, as for semi-Prime, he was his cartoon version's spitting image, except for the lack of a trailer (which always disappeared when he converted in the cartoon anyway [Optimus told me that he really just sent his trailer component out for some tacos and burritos when he changed in the show cause "Fighting Decepticons makes a fucker get the munchies fiercer than having Bob Marley sit in the passenger seat all day with the fucking windows rolled up." Must be a robot thing]). But the detail in even the truck version of Prime is awe inspiring. The tires are all heavy rubber, the chrome bumper shines, and the minute smoke stacks are just the icing on the cake!

Beyond his rough and tumble exterior though, Prime is a little bland. The only things he really likes to do all day are watch all the first and second seasons of Transformers on DVD, the first 25 minutes of Transformers the Movie (Optimus says that everything past the fight with Megatron was hastily thrown together by the director and the editors when squabbles broke out over his contract. Apparently in the original script Optimus himself wiped that smirk off of Unicron's puss, bitchslapped Galvatron back to the Quintesson Planet, and then gave Hot Rod a much needed swirly in an unflushed giant robot toilet. OP's "death scene", and all his appearances in season three [and that really shitty "Head Masters" mini-series] were done by a look-a-like that the toy company hired. It was actually Optimus' brother, Frank [if you look you can see that the twinkle just isn't in his eye in "The Return of Optimus Prime" and the rest of those anti-fucktastic episodes]), and then transform, roll over to the fridge, pop himself a cold one, and then roll on back to the TV. Sometimes he'll catch some old Thundercats or Masters of the Universe, but then he just "sighs" to himself, lowers his head and whispers over and over, "Those were the good old days.... The BEST old days........ *Sigh*" It's just so fucking sad to watch.

So, what do I think of the Autobot Leader, Optimus Prime? I give every aspect of him two thumbs up. His character on TV and in the movies, his robot form, and his semi truck transformation. He's perfect. Now, if only they'd make a 20th Anniversary Megatron. Then I could recreate all their classic fights in my living room every night! This is why God gave us homeowners' insurance!!!

Take that, Megatron, ya whore! Prime is back, and he's sweet in the sack! Hells bells, ya mo-fo! This Optimus Prime is like the mothafucka BOMB that I's was waitin' for when I was but a lil' chillun suckin' on the teat. OP was always the coolest bitch in the whole TF Universe, every fool knew that shit! But his toy was like pretty sucky. Finally though, those rastard bastard fucks in charge of makin' toys and shit got they's act together and made somethin' worth all the non-nevermind that I'd been hopin' for for years!... If only I could afford the fucker (hell, man, I could buy several dozen CASES of Schlitz Malt Liquor for the same price, and that shiznit keeps my ass alive and drunk... Unfortunately, fool, OP only makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside [which Schlitz does anyway]).

So, this new 20th Anniversary OP is pretty bling bling and all with its fashizzle and the knick knack paddy whack... but it turns out the G is really just a big "D" in real life. "D" as in "dickaholic". Seriously, yo, like I was all about the Autobot way of life and all, mostly cause them Dino-fucks were like all about partyin' and not doin' any kind of serious work and all, and those Deceptees had asslicks like Star-Reamer and the Insecti-rods on they's side... But after meetin' with the Primus one I got to learn that he's all show and shit. He just sat on the Rossman's couch watchin' old cartoons all day and he didn't even lift his God given gun once, 'cept to shoot off the cap of a Killian's bottle. The little lazy fool even stopped turning the stuff into energon cubes he got so damn lazy. Just started pouring the booze all over hisself like he was bathin' in a shit waterfall. Plus he had like two flats but was all like, "I know, I know... But fuck it. Fuck Triple A! Those bastards! $50 to tow my ass and fix that shit.... I don't have that kind of dough. Can you get me another bottle if you're heading that way, pal?" Lazier than my Uncle J-Roach's (you know, Uncle Jonathan) left eye. Laaaaaaaazy.

I still think the fucker's fly and all.... Iz jus' that I got to see the REAL OP, and now I can't unremember it, holmes. I.... I don't know what rating to give this shit. Damn.

Holy sweet Mary mother of Jebediah! I could not believe my cataract covered eyes! THE Optimus Prime! Needless to say it was quite the honor and privilege to carve into and gut the leader of the Autobot Society of America. It was easy to convince him that my experiments were necessary too. All I had to do was offer him some frozen vodka ice blocks and tell him that there was plenty more "energy Rubik's cubes" for him if he just sat still, let me disconnect his motor reflexes, and start sifting through his innards like a fetal pig in a high school biology class (those damn, dirty students!....). To his credit he sat perfectly content and didn't even murmur a word of disagreement, even as I removed what appeared to be his heart and fuel supply: some big glowy, caged blue thing in his chestal cavity. He did turn a big grayish after that, but I think that was just the heavy, unending glaciers of alcohol finally taking effect. That heart of his was something I've never even SEEN before! It was made of some sort of metal outer casing and perhaps a partially contained nuclear explosion in its center. I was amazed for maybe the 76th time in my entire life (For your information, THIS amazement ranked slightly below finding my grandparents doing the nasty and realizing that they weren't just "learning how to operate one of them new fangled auto-mobiles"... and right above my surprise at creating my very first monkey-man by accident [i.e. NOT my first monkey-man, just the first one I accidentally created]).

I wanted to experiment on the robot-heart, but I had had one too many mishaps with radiation poisoning and third-eye mutations in the past to do anything too bold or stupid on my own. So I gave Jimmy Jammer a fiver to open the thing for me while I stood behind a lead shield. Good thing that I learn from my mistakes too! The second that Jimmy Jammer pried that hunk of glowy plansma open, out poured about 500,000 Watts of electric blue light that looked just like that photon light-show in the opening of The Jetsons... Only scarier since the Jetsons' opening animation never seared the flesh off of anyone if they stood too close to the TV. I figure if I just stuff some dog guts in his belly and graft some elephant scrotum to his scorched face, nobody'll know that anything even happened to poor old Jimmy Jammer. Now.... Where to find an elephant sack.

That is one scary as all hell robot overlord there. I give This Optimus Prime a Thumbs Up just because he could kill me easier than the Rossman's fat friend can kill a donut. Hail to thee, all mighty Prime! I would bow to you if my back was in alignment.